I didn't want to hijack someone else's thread so have started my own but it's due to reading the "Photographing me when Asleep" thread that this has concerned me.
My DH and I have been married 12 years, have one child.
I was molested by my grandfather from the age of 2 or 3 until about 10 so I have issues with sex. I can not bear to be kissed or touched intimately but can cope with sex if it's initiated by me and I'm in control. We have sex very rarely, probably once a year. DH knew this about me before we married.
My DH has a high sex drive and this situation is extremely frustrating for him.
We had to start sleeping in separate beds because he had begun touching me intimately when I was asleep. I would wake up but pretend to remain asleep as I was hoping he would stop and didn't want to believe it was happening. I can tell he's awake because of his breathing but when I've challenged him about it he's insisted he was asleep and can't remember doing anything.
He even did it again the other day when I'd gone to his bed for a cuddle as I felt ill.
I've told him to leave me if he can't cope with the lack of sex, that I will understand but I just do not like sex. It makes my flesh crawl. When he does this to me it reminds me of my grandfather and sickens me; it's like he becomes a different person.
He will also try to trick me into bed with him by tapping on the walls or mumbling to himself so I'll go and investigate. He has masturbated over my sleeping body before but stopped when I woke up.
I'm worried now, from the responses to the other thread, that this is abuse. I love my DH dearly and know he loves me and he is such a kind, gentle, lovely man.
Have I made him this way?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
MNHQ have commented on this thread
Relationships
Is this sexual abuse?
AmIbeingAbused · 10/02/2016 10:59
No you havent made him this way, none of this is your fault. It is totally understandable you have issues with sex after your childhood abuse and if this was something you wanted to work on and your DH was supportive etc then this would be an entirely different kettle of fish but I do see this as rather worrying for you, its overstepping so many of your boundaries and wishes I dont know where to start. 
This. Realistically, I don't see how a marriage b/w someone with a high sex drive and someone who hates sex is ever gouing to work, and given that he is now assaulting/abusing you I'm not really sure why you'd want it to. Sorry
- maybe you should leave him.
My DH has a high sex drive
All too often men use as a whiny excuse, like their dick will fall off if they don't get sex. It's bullshit and designed to emotionally manipulate.
Everything I said on that thread, OP, read it again as if I'm saying it to you. This is very much abuse. You do not owe him sex. Any chance you have of wanting or enjoying sex or any sexual contact will slowly dry up the more he treats you like a sex toy.
He abused your trust and your consent by touching you while asleep. That's nigh on impossible to come back from, even without a history of sexual abuse.
x-post.
Yes, he's apologetic. So is the husband in the other thread. They always are, snivelling little shitbags 
Then they do it again. And again. And again.
Have you told him how much this abuse of trust hurts you?
A good therapist wouldn't try and coerce you into wanting sex.
A good therapist will help you love yourself, feel comfortable about your anger, feel able to hold your own in the world as an adult, reconnect you with your sense of self and your belief in the value of your boundaries.
Those are good life skills to have.
No one who is asleep would masturbate over someone else sleeping. I am so sorry . He is not respecting your wishes at all.
Your husband is out of order, he know your not comfortable with sex and hes deliberately violating your boundries, you need his support to get through your issues and as your husband he should be helping you. I agree that this is a form of sexual abuse. Have you had counseling? I was sexually abused by my brother from an early age untill i was 11 ive just recently started counseling and it does help! I hope you get the help you need
AmI, I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and everything you are still going through
To me, it sounds like he is awake. The fact that he tries to trick you into going into the room and has masturbated over your body but stopped when you woke, leads me to think that he justifies it to himself that if you're asleep you won't know and therefore won't mind. That if you go in clearly you're up for it.
He is 100% in the wrong.
It doesn't matter if he is (very unlikely) doing it in his sleep.
You don't like it. It is breaching very clear boundaries.
Suppose he was straggling you in your sleep? I've heard of cases of this. What would you do then? What would he do?
If this continues - you are not going to have a nice happy little family, because you will be becoming more and more wary of him. What happens at night will affect your day to day lives, and is likely to damage your mental health.
I would suggest sometime you do consider some therapy - maybe Trauma therapy. Not to "fix" your sex drive etc. but to help you really know "it wasn't your fault" and to help you reprogramme how you remember (less emotional and more factual).
And just reading your posts made my skin crawl, so for just KOKO
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.