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Don't know where to go from here - where is the compromise?

(99 Posts)
Bjornstar Tue 02-Feb-16 10:57:45

Hello all

I have posted about this before. I am looking for the compromise in this situation so any help would be appreciated. I am feeling a bit down today and it would be good to talk anyhow.

In a nutshell, i am very happy with the life I lead, where I live and being around the people I love. Ds is settled into a school, has friends and is happy with close contact with all sets of grandparents.

Dh, however, feels like he is wasting his life doing what we do and would like a fresh start in a warm climate, outdoor living, to do something different in his life, which I can understand as we are in the same area as we grew up. I also have the benefit of working PT where DH is full time in a job he dislikes, commuting over an hour daily. He feels like he is in prison going to work but will not re-train; instead, he believes doing the same job in a different country will make him feel better about it, because there will be more opportunities to do the things he enjoys after work.

He does not feel he is enjoying his life to the max as it is now and is desperate to make a change. Please do not think I am being boastful but trying to paint a picture that we enjoy several breaks a year and go out together regularly. He also goes out with friends and enjoys weekends abroad with friends, regular gym visits etc. it is not like he doesn't do anything!

Because we are at loggerheads over what to do with the rest of our lives, there is often tension in our household because DH gets frustrated and sometimes treats me with contempt - which does not make for a positive atmosphere. Please note this is not all the time, we do have good times. He is very strong at arguing his corner as he believes in his dream fully.

The reason I am nervous about making a move to live abroad is we are so settled (apart from DH) so I afraid of the impact of uprooting ds (aged 5); my inlaws are both in ill health; i would miss my mum and friends terribly; fear of DH still being miserable even though I go abroad is up there; and getting trapped out there forever!

A small part of me wants to give it a go as we will never know otherwise, our marriage might break up, DH will not be happy if we don't go.

Anyone had similar experience and gone through with it? Anyone see a compromise? I don't want our marriage to fail but this is tearing us apart.

Thank you

Baressentials Tue 02-Feb-16 11:24:19

I don't know. All I have to offer is that my dsis and dbil went through similar. He wanted to live abroad. She didn't want to live her family me and my family and their friends

They agreed to try it. In the first 6 months of moving to the other side of the world he was the one who wanted to come back home. She took to it like a duck to water. 10years on they are still very happy down under. She misses us, and we miss her, but we skype regularly and they are coming back over here for the first time in 8 years (I haven't been able to go out and visit her)

The key thing is they talked. Talked. And talked some more. Nothing was forever. They both were so open aaabout their feelings and fears.

If it had been down to my dsis they wouldn't hae gone. If it had been down to my dbil they wouldn't have stayed there. But now they both love it.

Baressentials Tue 02-Feb-16 11:25:19

*leave not live!

April2013 Tue 02-Feb-16 11:26:35

Sounds like it is the job that is the problem but he could only afford your lifestyle if he carries on doing it ft and he wants the lifestyle more than he wants to not have the job, and he wants to improve his lifestyle by moving away. What are the unknowns with doing his job abroad - would you have enough disposable income to make the most of the place? Would he be able to get the same job? What if he hated it even more as had to work even longer hours? What about moving but staying within the UK? Could you move to reduce his commute? Seems sensible to try improving your life here first and then if that doesn't work make a move, better to be in same country as your friends and family than a flight away maybe?

Bjornstar Tue 02-Feb-16 11:27:13

Thank you Bare - funny that she was so against it and she did a total eclipse, and your brother didn't like it. Why didn't he like it?

Baressentials Tue 02-Feb-16 11:31:04

I think for dbil it was because he is slightly more introverted than dsis and also they lived in a hotel for 4 months! But now he wouldn't move back here for anything - it just took him longer to adjust. Dsis went expecting not to like it so her expectations were lower. But she made friends very quickly and they now have a great life out there with their dd. I wish I could go and join them!

Bjornstar Tue 02-Feb-16 11:32:35

April - thank you. He would not want to move elsewhere in the UK, he just keeps saying it isn't where he wants to be and there is nothing here he wants to do. He dislikes going to work, having dinner, watching TV and going to bed. He wants more after work in a daily basis. Even his parents being poorly is not persuading him to stick around.

Bjornstar Tue 02-Feb-16 11:33:35

That is really positive Bare and lovely to hear. Thanks for posting smile

lookatmenow Tue 02-Feb-16 11:40:15

How about you "give it a go" put your house out for renting and rent in the country you try out.
Go with a view of a temporary arrangement. If it doesn't work outin a couple of years your child will still come back here in primary education and will make friends easily and the home will still be here to move into?

SauvignonPlonker Tue 02-Feb-16 12:05:43

Has he checked the visa requirements for countries he would like to live in?

Could he ask his current employer for a career break & go out for a year or two, with a view to coming back to his old job if it doesn't work out?

I'm not sure if I would agree to go on a permanent basis, especially if I could not come back with my DC if I wasn't happy.

He seems very all or nothing.

Bjornstar Tue 02-Feb-16 12:08:23

Yea s.plonker - we have a visa granted so can go now if we wanted to.

His current job is a contract until September of this year so no tues for him. I have a part time job which I love and can fit in around home life due to its flexibility.

He says he has comprised for 37 years by living in the UK so doesn't see he is being unfair

Bjornstar Tue 02-Feb-16 13:17:03

*No ties

pocketsaviour Tue 02-Feb-16 18:28:01

there will be more opportunities to do the things he enjoys after work.

What are the things he enjoys though? I don't see why he can't do things after work now or why that would improve with moving. Unless he's suggesting he could work fewer hours?

Does he get on with his family? I am wondering if them being ill is making him want to run away and stick his head in the sand so he doesn't have to face it?

Bjornstar Tue 02-Feb-16 18:41:51

Yes he gets in with his family. The dream to go abroad has been going on for years, just heightened now it is in his reach but I am standing in his way.

The things he wants to do after work - bike rides, walks along beach, bbq etc. he says can't do any of that and enjoy it here apart from 2 days of the year

SauvignonPlonker Tue 02-Feb-16 18:50:47

"DH gets frustrated & sometimes treats me with contempt".

I wouldn't be emigrating with someone like that. Sorry.

Unless you are in a rock-solid marriage, I wouldn't go.

It's almost like he believes that problems disappear abroad.

Did he settle down young? Has he travelled, lived away from his home town? Got life experience? Perhaps these are part of his frustration?

pocketsaviour Tue 02-Feb-16 18:55:13

he says can't do any of that and enjoy it here apart from 2 days of the year

Ahh, you live in Wales wink

I'm afraid it all does sound a bit pie in the sky at the moment. Do you own your current house? I'm wondering with him being on fixed term contracts whether it would be doable to rent your house out for 6 months and rent something (preferably furnished) over there for 6 months and just give things a try?

HandyWoman Tue 02-Feb-16 19:01:46

Hmmm yeah what Sauvignon said.

I have an ex who I'm sure was way more of a prat than your dh. He wanted to move to a seaside town. I knew I couldn't do it because he was zero support in my life and I knew deep down I needed to stay near friends and family. I also knew my ex was a bit of a prat and thought owning a massive 4 bed Victorian property would solve all of our problems.

Isn't 'living life to the max' somewhat childish? Isn't being a grownup about having a 'good enough' life - one that meets everybody's needs?

This is a very tricky issue. Something is holding you back. I think you should keep listening to that. Do you really thrash out the issues when you discuss it, or do the conversations revolve around beaches and bbqs?

BertPuttocks Tue 02-Feb-16 19:05:30

For me, the thing that stands out in your OP is that your dh's reasons for wanting to move seem to be all about him.

Your reasons for staying include the effect you think it may have on your ds and those around you.

I don't think your dh is suddenly going to become a nicer and happier person if you move. I suspect he will just find something else to complain about or obsess about.

Compromise only works if both parties agree to give something. I think your dh's strategy will be to wear you down until you eventually give in.

Yseulte Tue 02-Feb-16 19:07:17

If doesn't like his job, why would he like it more in a different country? Same shit different clouds.

LineyReborn Tue 02-Feb-16 19:08:08

You need to be very careful about this.

If you go, and you hate it or split up anyway, then some countries wouldn't allow you and your DC to return without your DH's permission.

Yseulte Tue 02-Feb-16 19:09:40

Does he plan to move to an English speaking country?

expatinscotland Tue 02-Feb-16 19:19:50

"DH gets frustrated & sometimes treats me with contempt".

'I wouldn't be emigrating with someone like that. Sorry.

Unless you are in a rock-solid marriage, I wouldn't go.

It's almost like he believes that problems disappear abroad.'

What Sauvignon said. With BELLS on. Look, there is no compromise here because he won't entertain one. It's his way or the highway.

I emigrated when I was 31. I was single and childfree. I wanted to be here, for my own reasons, not because someone bamboozled me into it and tried to make it my fault he/she was unhappy.

And let me tell you, even emigrating this way, 100% for me, happy to be here, it has been, at times, extremely hard.

So I would tell anyone who is considering such a move because one person is unhappy: DON'T.

And YY, 'give it a go', that doesn't work in a lot of places because if you don't like it, guess what? You can't come back with your children. You are stuck there. I have quite a few friends now who'd like to go back to their native countries, but they can't because of custody issues. They are stuck in a place they don't like for years, decades sometimes.

So stop looking for compromises. You're not the one who is unhappy. And when we become adults, our happiness is our personal responsibility.

'I've thought about this a lot. I realise you are unhappy. But this is too big a move for me and DC. So if you want to go, you'll need to go on your own.'

He's looking at this to solve all his problems, I can tell you, it doesn't. In fact, you get even more when you emigrate. It's not an easy road at all.

SanityClause Tue 02-Feb-16 19:23:14

If you move abroad, and you don't like it, but he does, you may not be able to leave with your DS, under the Hague Convention.

If your DH is treating you with contempt, because he isn't getting his way, that doesn't bode well for a move abroad.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 02-Feb-16 19:26:38

Were you aware before you married, or before you had dc, that he was dissatisfied with living in the UK and that emigrating or working abroad was likely to be on the cards at some future date, or is that his dissatisfaction has only come about since he took up his current job?

expatinscotland Tue 02-Feb-16 19:27:47

It's really hard. I had to actually stop and think about it for a moment because I've been here a long time now. But I can remember the first couple of years. And I really wanted it. If I hadn't? Nah, can't imagine that.

He sounds very self-centred. It's all about me, me, me and what I want, whinging and then throwing the teddies out the pram when he doesn't get his way.

There's no way in hell I'd emigrate with someone like that. It's absolutely shocking, when you first do it and get there. There's also tons of paperwork and hassle. It's stressful. And again, that's coming from someone who wanted to emigrate.

But I did it when I was single and childfree because hey, that's what adults do. They do it at the time when they're not having to think about a spouse and children and if not then with everyone being on the same page.

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