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DH being selfish, how to change this?

(90 Posts)
LittleLegs25 Sun 10-Jan-16 16:39:46

Hi all, I don't know if I'm positing this In the right forum, sorry if I'm not!

Basically my DH is selfish in bed and I don't know how to change things. I feel like the sole focus of sex is to "get him there" with no consideration to "get me there" sometimes I do before him and that's fine but if I don't then we just stop and he makes no attempt to do anything more. (Trying not to be too descriptive with my words lol)

I feel like this is really really unfair, if I'm the one to initiate sex and then I'm left feeling disappointed it just makes me feel like why did I even do that? What was the actual point of it?

He's made an effort in the past don't get me wrong it's not every time but I'd say it's like 99% of the times I don't "get there" through sex he will just be ok with this....and I just feel like screaming.... WHAT ABOUT ME?!?

He also doesn't do forplay he just dives right in, Ive tried to talk about it so many times but it ends up where I feel bad for bringing it up and selfish.

We have a great relationship and im happy in other aspects it's just the sex thing that's getting to me now.

What would you guys do?

gamerchick Sun 10-Jan-16 16:41:39

Well I would talk to him..Do you talk about sex with your partner?

LittleLegs25 Sun 10-Jan-16 16:44:41

Yes I do bring it up but I haven't in a while because nothing ever really changes and he makes me feel like I'm being mean for bringing it up... Like I'm trying to tell him he's bad in bed or something. He's said in the past he would try and be more considerate but it all just goes back to normal, to me being considerate to your partners wants should just be a natural thing!

gamerchick Sun 10-Jan-16 17:26:31

Course it is, nobody wants to feel like a glorified sex aid and somewhere to dump their load.

I don't know what else to suggest other than tell him you would like him to get you off before any penetration happens.

LittleLegs25 Sun 10-Jan-16 17:32:29

Should I just bring it up out of the blue or wait and see if he does it again next time we have sex?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 10-Jan-16 17:34:35

When you say that penetration without foreplay first is painful and unsatisfying for you, what does he say?

RJnomore1 Sun 10-Jan-16 17:35:08

Well he is bad in bed isn't he!

kittybiscuits Sun 10-Jan-16 17:36:44

Best to swap him for someone much more considerate because he knows what he's doing and doesn't care.

Goingtobeawesome Sun 10-Jan-16 17:37:22

How convenient that he is so sad you think he is bad in bed so you shut the fuck up.

Tell him to sort himself out and be a better lover or you'll give up letting hi use you for his own demands

AnotherEmma Sun 10-Jan-16 17:41:29

How long have you been having sex with each other and has he always been like this or has he changed recently?

I find it hard to understand why you'd marry someone like this unless you didn't have sex before marriage.

LittleLegs25 Sun 10-Jan-16 17:41:50

I haven't really put it in those words before obsidian I've said why do you think it's ok to stop once your finished when I haven't "got there" yet and he honestly doesn't know what to say and I really do think it's because he knows he's being selfish and he's just lazy. He won't do oral as he "doesn't like it" so I said fair enough then, you won't be getting any oral either. So I've stopped doing that.

I've brought it up so many times that I just stopped saying anything and just being pissed off with him everytime it happened and even that's not made a difference. I just don't know what else I can do. Like I said its a good relationship it's just the sex that is not how I want it to be.

LittleLegs25 Sun 10-Jan-16 17:44:21

I've been with him for 8 years and married for 2 years. He has always been like this, but I was only 18 when we got together so I didn't really know what I liked at that age it was still all very new to me but now I'm older and I've been with him 8 years I can see how selfish he is being and it does upset me because I always make an effort and I enjoy doing things to him so why doesn't he want to make me feel Like that too. sorry for the TMI lol

AnotherEmma Sun 10-Jan-16 17:51:19

It's not TMI, it's a pretty crucial part of a relationship for most people.

Do you know what you'd like him to do? Do you feel able to ask for what you want? Or are you comfortable asking and he just refuses?

buckingfrolicks Sun 10-Jan-16 17:54:03

I'd say something the next time he starts being sexual - and ask him to do stuff at the time, then and there.

When you raise it outside of the bedroom, he feels guilty/defensive, as you've found.

So, 'please do x' or 'can we do Y now, I'd like to' in the moment, might help

Or say 'Mr Legs, I know you love me, and I believe we both want to have a satisfying sex life with each other. So I need you to understand that at the moment I'm sometimes left feeling frustrated because I haven't had the chance to 'get there' - sometimes that's okay of course, but other times it really bothers me. So can we agree that I get there first, because I hate lying there afterwards feelign grumpy and frustrated'

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Jan-16 18:00:18

I find it hard to believe any woman would want to always have sex without foreplay. Does he really think you want that?

LittleLegs25 Sun 10-Jan-16 18:04:28

Yes I do know what I'd like, I want him to do things with out being asked and I want it to seem as though he's enjoying doing them too. So maybe your right and next time he tries it on I tell him what I want him to do before we even get down to the sex part so then there's no excuse. I'm just sick of feeling like sex is all about him

LittleLegs25 Sun 10-Jan-16 18:05:39

I think he thinks kissing classes as foreplay or something! He starts off by kissing me and then just expects that's enough.... Erm no!

AnotherEmma Sun 10-Jan-16 18:06:28

I disagree with bucking, I don't think you should wait until you or he has initiated sex before discussing it. It's important to discuss it beforehand, and if he's resistant to discussing it in normal circumstances, he's not going to open to discussing it when he wants sex! Someone this selfish is not going to suddenly start doing sexual favours if she asks him to without a proper conversation.

AnyFucker Sun 10-Jan-16 18:07:38

So you have married a bloke who is shit in bed, has no intention of learning any better and doesn't give a shit that your pleasure is not addressed as long he gets his balls emptied


AnotherEmma Sun 10-Jan-16 18:08:13

Cross post. I think if you know what you want, you do have to ask him. He is clearly not a mind reader - far from it!

AyeAmarok Sun 10-Jan-16 18:10:01

It's not TMI. Stop apologising. You can use sexual vocabulary on MN you know, we won't all self-combust.

Don't let him off the hook by worrying you're hinting he's bad in bed. He is selfish in bed. He seems to think that you are there to service him, but that your orgasm is completely irrelevant.

Tell him that sex is only good for you if you get something out of it too. And that will take some effort on his part. So spend some time showing him how and where you like to be touched.

Then for as long as it takes to get the message across, you don't have PIV sex until you've got some enjoyment out of it first. Then it will become habit.

You wouldn't accept that sort of selfish disregard of you in any other aspect of your life (I assume),so don't put up with it in bed.

AnyFucker Sun 10-Jan-16 18:12:48

Actually, people that are knowingly this selfish in bed are often shitty partners outside of the bedroom. How does he measure up there, OP ?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 10-Jan-16 18:14:56

He's been doing it his way for eight years and you're still with him? You have other problems, don't you? I should imagine you think no one else will have you, and that he reinforces that feeling. Does he cook, clean or iron?
Even if he won't get down and lick (the mark of a real man IMO), there are plenty of other things he could do. It's no harder than tuning a shortwave radio.

LittleLegs25 Sun 10-Jan-16 18:18:22

He's honestly a brilliant husband and a brilliant dad and I love our life together which is why I can't understand why he is so selfish in the bedroom yet so giving in other ways.

LittleLegs25 Sun 10-Jan-16 18:21:06

Yes disgrace he does his fair share of the house work and child care etc. He has done other things before it's just o want it to be regular and not every so often, if he isn't getting me there through sex o feel he should be doing other things afterwards so I'm not left feeling disappointed

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