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Is it reasonable for asking fiance to have a second job?

(90 Posts)
lijana Thu 07-Jan-16 05:30:22

My fiance has little savings due to coming from another country and making very little money there i.e. $100 per month. He has come to Australia and now works in IT support making $77K per year.
I make $97K per year and also work a second job teaching music on the weekend part time.
We have recently bought an apartment and have a mortgage which we would like to pay off.
I suggested that given he has little savings, that he should try finding a second job on the weekend to earn some extra money.
He is quite picky with what he wants to do, e.g. I said he could try doing sales however he does not like sales as he feels his personality isnt suited for it. (he is more of an introvert).
Is it reasonable for me to ask him to find a second job? I feel like a true man should be one who would do anything to look after their family and provide for their family.
I am working two jobs also, so I am no lazy person sitting on my back asking someone else to do the hard work.

Ughnotagain Thu 07-Jan-16 05:36:38

Does he already work full time?

I'd hate to work in sales so I can see where he's coming from there.

Does his current salary allow him to start saving money? If so then you are being unreasonable I think. It's not his fault he's from a country with lower wages! If he's already got a steady job then surely he's already set to provide for a family hmm

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 07-Jan-16 05:39:31

You two earn almost $200K/year and you want him to work more? Do you have seventeen children crying with hunger, or is your apartment in Potts Point, or what?

Of course you're being unreasonable.

NameChange7thJan Thu 07-Jan-16 05:42:36

Well I too would hate to do sales, especially if it was in my time to recuperate from my day job.

Would he actually be better off studying?

Can I just add that I really really disagree on your definition of a "true man". It is hopelessly outdated and extremely sexist.

fidel1ne Thu 07-Jan-16 05:44:52

I feel like a true man should be one who would do anything to look after their family and provide for their family.

Ouch.

That's one hell of a stereotype and a lot of pressure to put on someone. Basically he's not a 'true man' unless he conforms to your demands of him?

Sales is something you need the corresponding personality for, so he's being perfectly reasonable about that aspect.

My fiance has little savings due to coming from another country and making very little money there i.e. $100 per month.

I suggested that given he has little savings, that he should try finding a second job on the weekend to earn some extra money.

There is a condescending tone to this. If you felt bringing equal savings to the table was an essential part of the 'deal' wouldn't it have been fairer to say so before taking out a joint mortgage?

If he's being 'picky' does that mean he isn't against a second job per se, but not keen on the specific jobs you are suggesting?

HortonWho Thu 07-Jan-16 05:50:50

If he's gone from making 1,200 a Year to 77,000 a year, he probably feels very proud of himself and like he's won the lottery!

I think you need to focus on getting him use to how expensive outgoings are in your country because he must be feeling rich at the moment. And probably feeling like he's finally accomplished something in life.

You suggesting he gets another job because it's not good enough is a bit deflating and demoralising, don't you think?

Ughnotagain Thu 07-Jan-16 05:55:02

Hang on, I've just seen your other thread about his questions and the mouse etc.

Do you not think you're putting a lot of pressure on an already fraught relationship? From what you've put on the other thread you don't seem happy. That's surely something to work on before worrying about a second job.

Fairylea Thu 07-Jan-16 05:55:42

You sound incompatible. Not everyone wants to spend every waking hour working, and not everyone cares if they have savings or not. It's just different personality types.

After spending years working in a senior job I would rather eat baked beans on toast every day for the rest of my life than go back to that. I have no savings and we manage on a very low income as a family. If someone told me to go and get another job just to have more savings etc I'd tell them to get lost! grin

Groovee Thu 07-Jan-16 05:55:48

My dh doesn't earn a quarter of that but he works hard and a second job would be too much. It doesn't make him any less of a man for not wanting a second job!

This should all have been sorted before you got a mortgage!

wannabestressfree Thu 07-Jan-16 05:59:14

I wouldn't want a second job. He quite reasonably has a well paid first one. And all that 'real man' stuff is a crock of shit.....

HelpfulChap Thu 07-Jan-16 06:01:29

£84k equivalent sounds like a decent annual income although without knowing what your outgoings are it is difficult to say if you need more.

I suppose it boils down to do you want to maximise your earnings while you are young at the expense of free time or get your mortgage paid off quickly to be more comfortably off when you are older.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 07-Jan-16 06:20:25

FWIW for anyone not Australian commenting, $75K is the Australian median full-time income. If this couple live in inner Sydney, their outgoings will be higher of course (like London), but with her income as well, and no children, they're not remotely on the breadline. That's a very comfortable middle class existence even in Australia, where incomes do have to be higher. If the OP is earning in the $90K range, she's a white collar professional of some years' standing.

lijana Thu 07-Jan-16 06:25:20

Apartments and houses in Sydney are extremely expensive. Houses cost $1m over and apartments cost $700-900k
Sydney is not a cheap city.
I bought an apartment of $705k with him and we took on a mortgage of $540k with my parents helping us out with a $120k loan and me contributing $80k and him $40k.
He has 50% ownership of the apartment despite me actually paying more than him. I didn't think to be calculative when I bought the apartment with him as I felt you shouldn't be like this when you get engaged and to be married. However over time his behaviours are upsetting me and I feel I'm not getting a good deal in this relationship.
He has family problems, his dad is an alcoholic whom he doesn't speak with, two younger sisters 22, 26 who don't work and are NOT disabled, they are just to lazy to find work. One had a job in Ukraine but decided to quit and be a bar girl in China before being caught and sent back to Ukraine for overstaying her visa.

lijana Thu 07-Jan-16 06:29:29

I came from Chinese immigrant parents who came here with nothing. They worked their asses off to be where they are now. My dad lost an eye and still is working a welder job to this day. I came from a family that value hard work.

PennyHasNoSurname Thu 07-Jan-16 06:30:12

Maybe he would rather enjoy his weekends and evenings than rush to pay off the mortgage?

fidel1ne Thu 07-Jan-16 06:30:31

You feel his family reflect badly on him?

fidel1ne Thu 07-Jan-16 06:34:21

I came from Chinese immigrant parents who came here with nothing. They worked their asses off to be where they are now. My dad lost an eye and still is working a welder job to this day. I came from a family that value hard work

Look your fiance isn't your dad and he isn't HIS dad or sisters or anybody except himself. He deserves to be accepted FOR himself.

If you want to keep the relationship you need to calm down and back off. If you think a split is possible, you need legal advice re the apartment.

Pannn Thu 07-Jan-16 06:35:20

"true man"
ffs

shouldwestayorshouldwego Thu 07-Jan-16 06:39:21

I'm a bit lost now, so do the family problems mean that he is sending money home instead of into the flat?

FishWithABicycle Thu 07-Jan-16 06:43:22

Working extra hours for more money won't make either of you happier. Life is not a process of accumulating the maximum amount of stuff.

You have a joint income of $14.5k per month before tax. I don't know what that leaves after tax but it's enough for a comfortable lifestyle.

Cut your coat according to your cloth. Whatever your income that's the way to financial stability.

Mr Micawber's famous, and oft-quoted, recipe for happiness:
"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen [pounds] nineteen [shillings] and six [pence], result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery."
Charles Dickens, David Copperfield

Increasing your joint income to $200kpa won't achieve happiness for either of you if you can't develop the skill of being content with what you have - and clearly you haven't. So you have to learn the skill or be miserable. might as well learn it now and save yourselves the exhaustion of working 2 jobs.

Funinthesun15 Thu 07-Jan-16 06:44:49

You seem very money orientated OP.

Not everyone wants to work 24/7.

Having also read your other threads you seem very keen to point out your DP faults.

You also come across as quite hard work imo.

lijana Thu 07-Jan-16 06:47:21

He was and in the future they will always be thinking that we are somehow liable or should be giving them something simply because we appear to be more "rich". If his family are suffering difficulties eg ppl have disabilities etc I don't mind giving but when they just want to rely on others without even putting in hard work eg his sisters, it goes completely against my values.

NameChange7thJan Thu 07-Jan-16 06:50:06

I think in fairness to the OP, she probably has been brought up to value money over happiness and culturally money = respect to a greater degree than even in the UK.

lijana Thu 07-Jan-16 06:58:28

The Chinese view money in a different manner perhaps to westerners. To Chinese having enough money is very important to having a good future for you and your children. That's why education is focussed on a lot as it is seen as being able to get you better jobs and therefore more income. Chinese people view security as good in life. You may make $97k now but you may lose your job in a few yrs, they view it as important to acquire it quickly or pay debt off fast so that you do not have to have worries in future. My mum taught me that when you are young you have the spirit and ability to work more and therefore should do it more so that you can be more set for life when you are older. Many of our family friends who are all immigrants came here with the thinking. They now all have more than one house.. Most came with nothing. They all think of future for their children.

WipsGlitter Thu 07-Jan-16 06:59:24

It sounds like you are not happy in this relationship and are looking for reasons to break up.

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