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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Scared of him leaving me

89 replies

Patheticfallacy · 03/01/2016 21:46

This is spoiling my relationship. I have a lovely boyfriend of 9 months and he's caring and thoughtful. But I really love him and that's making me feel horribly vulnerable. I feel all clingy and insecure. I must've told him I loved him 4 or 5 times this weekend and he said it back but I'm just scared it's too much.
We've recently introduced dc and that's scary too. I'm worried in case my dc are too noisy or demanding or it just doesn't work . He's lovely with them and they get on with his ds. It just seems complicated and scary, because I think he's brilliant and I'm so worried that I'm looking at anything that might end it!
I'm criticising myself a bit. I'm too disorganised, not a good enough parent, not attractive enough. In reality I know he thinks I'm great, I just can't relax.
He left my house at 5 today and I know he had loads to do at home. But until he texts I'm terrified that's it. I'll never hear from him again or he'll end it. I'm not texting him yet because I know that how I'm feeling isn't rational and I need to work through it on my own. He'll be in touch as he's a lovely guy and I need to try not to suffocate him with my insecurity and spoil a lovely relationship. Help! I hope I don't sound completely crazy!

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horseygeorgie · 03/01/2016 21:57

You don't sound crazy, but you do sound like are massively insecure. If you don't address this, you WILL drive him away. I'm sure there will be many posters along soon with helpful advice which I sincerely hope you take. Good luck.

Patheticfallacy · 03/01/2016 22:03

I know. I am managing to hide a lot of this from him, but I need to address it.

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Patheticfallacy · 03/01/2016 22:22

Hopeful bump

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GarlicCake · 03/01/2016 22:29

So. It sounds like you suffer a massive, painful fear of abandonment. Poor you; it's horrible.

Do you know the origins of this?

And an even harder question: Are you able to discern whether you believe yourself 'unworthy', or are these self-judgements a kind of excuse for the abandonment you feel so inevitable?

Sorry It's quite late to be asking you to dig around in your soul, and I've got to have a bath. Worth sleeping on, though, if not answering immediately.

Patheticfallacy · 03/01/2016 22:34

I think it's deep rooted. My dad left before I was born and wanted nothing to do with me, so I don't know if it's that? I had one relationship where the guy declared love v early on and was extremely intense and thn dumped me and became v cold and cruel. Then I had a relationship end when the guy just disappeared on me and even though it was a short relationship, that really affected me too. I'm finding it hard to sleep tonight but I'm grateful for support. It stops me burdening my poor boyfriend.

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Patheticfallacy · 03/01/2016 22:35

I don't think I feel worthy. I don't feel together enough, or like a proper, sorted grown up. Abandonment is definitely a huge huge fear.

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Robotgirl · 03/01/2016 22:52

Hi OP
I totally hear you & have been in a similar place many times
Currently have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year but I finished our relationship last summer (because I was totally convinced that HE would) & then I went & saw a counsellor to try & work out why I was so insecure & terrified of abandonment - can totally recommend therapy & although expensive, it's totally helped with my irrational wobbles!
Sounds like things are going well fruit. Have you tried to talk to him about your insecurities & relationship history a bit?

Robotgirl · 03/01/2016 22:56

Sorry, should add that we got back together a few weeks after I ended it & everything as been better & stronger - I talked to him about my past & I try & talk to him when I do still have occasional anxiety moments...
Sometimes helps to turn your phone on silent & distract yourself with something else but I'm sure you know that

Patheticfallacy · 03/01/2016 22:58

Thanks robot. I've been scared to talk much in case he thinks I'm needy. I did say today that I was worried he didn't like me anymore and he did reassure me, but I don't think the reassurance always helps. I've had counselling and cbt and I have talked about some of this stuff, but maybe going back for more therapy is an option. He hasn't texted tonight, but I can't live like this, waiting around and feeling anxious and like my life is on hold.

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Robotgirl · 03/01/2016 23:19

Yes, I know that 'don't wanna be needy' thing. No very attractive! Great that you're aware of that.
Have you got some good friendships/ good relationships with any family members/hobbies that you can focus on instead of him?
Try to think about the other stuff in your life. Focus on your kids! Try not to get so fixated on him if you can avoid it...

Robotgirl · 03/01/2016 23:20

That should say NOT very attractive

Patheticfallacy · 04/01/2016 06:46

I'll try. I am back at work today so hopefully being busy will help a bit.

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RedMapleLeaf · 04/01/2016 07:00

What would happen if the relationship ended (for any reason)? What is it specifically that you fear?

Patheticfallacy · 04/01/2016 07:16

I fear never finding anyone else like him. I don't think I could face looking again. He's so lovely that if he lets me down I'd never be able to trust anyone again.

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RedMapleLeaf · 04/01/2016 08:13

I fear never finding anyone else like him.

How likely is that? What are the qualities he has that you like and can you see them in other people?

I don't think I could face looking again.

I think that's natural in the short term, and it does us a lot of good to have time when we aren't looking for a partner. However, in the longer term I think that we heal and do reach out to other people.

He's so lovely that if he lets me down I'd never be able to trust anyone again.

Again, that's probably a natural and understandable short term reaction. But I find when one person lets me down badly, other people step up and overwhelm me with their love and support.

RedMapleLeaf · 04/01/2016 08:17

I also think you're right to be aware of how your current, irrational(?) feelings might be the exact route of pushing him away. I wonder if subconsciously that's what you want. If he leaves you, then The Worst Thing happens and you're no longer living with the risk of being hurt. If he leaves you it will confirm all of your self-beliefs.

Patheticfallacy · 04/01/2016 08:24

I know I have tried to push people away in the past but I have really tried to keep my fears hidden from him.
He's just so thoughtful. He put a new door up for me, fixed my car and picked me up when I'm stuck. He buys things I need. He's honest. In my experience of online dating these qualities are not common.

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RedMapleLeaf · 04/01/2016 08:52

I have really tried to keep my fears hidden from him.

I wonder if suppressing your fears just means they keep popping out at unexpected times, like trying to sit on a balloon? I do think that counselling, and talking about your fears, will help. I'm not sure how much you should tell him, because in one way it might help him understand some of your behaviour and in another way it's not really his responsibility, it's yours. How long have you been seeing him.

Another thought is, that you're not alone. I think we all struggle with not wanting to be hurt and it's a balancing act.

Patheticfallacy · 04/01/2016 15:39

In my head it's over already and I don't know if that's my fear or a reality

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GarlicCake · 04/01/2016 15:47

How likely is it to be reality?

Patheticfallacy · 04/01/2016 15:54

I don't know, he hasn't said anything. He left my house yesterday at 5.30 after spending a lot of time with me and today is his first day back at work, so he is going to be crazy busy. So it's not unusual I've not had a text. He does normally text everyday so if I don't hear from him tonight that would be out of the ordinary.
I feel really anxious and tearful though

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GarlicCake · 04/01/2016 16:05

OK, so there's no reason to suppose he's just cleared off for good.
If he's a nice person, he wouldn't do that without discussing it with you, would he?

When you did CBT, you should have learned how to identify unhelpful and intrusive thoughts. Can you do this now? If you can, type them here and let's have a look :)

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GarlicCake · 04/01/2016 16:09

(I'm doing this myself, btw, as I'm panicking about some paperwork )

lazymoz · 04/01/2016 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patheticfallacy · 04/01/2016 16:28

No he isn't the type to sit by his phone. He doesn't always text if we've seen each other that day and he sometimes texts in the morning but when he's busy he will often text at night. He's not a huge texter when he's busy. I sent the last text but I guess I could message him, I just know I'll feel better if he contacts me first

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