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He can't keep a job. How long do I keep on being supportive?

(92 Posts)
anyonelikeanytoast Thu 10-Dec-15 09:21:48

Been with my BF for nearly a year. This Christmas will be our first together.

We get on really well as a couple. I love him dearly, great sex life etc. The problem is that he just doesn't seem to be able to get and keep a job. He's has 2 jobs in the past year; both for a month a piece. The first job he lost after 4 weeks, and it took him 4 months to find another one. That one only lasted 4 weeks and now he is out of work again.

I know there's more to life than money, but it's starting to really affect my own mental health and how I view our relationship. It's just a constant stress and I feel like my bf isn't really trying as hard as he could be. I don't even want him to buy me any Christmas presents (plus it's also my birthday around Christmas time) as I know he will use the last of the money from him last job to do so, and then he's back on JSA. Which incidentally he is having to go onto a work programme to remain eligible for.

What would others do in my situation? I honestly feel exhausted by the whole thing. I've not seen him for almost 3 weeks because I felt like I needed some space from it all. It hasn't made things any clearer though, and I still feel so confused.

Feellikeafoolinlove Thu 10-Dec-15 09:28:11

Hi Op I don't have an answer but I'm Watching with interest as this exact thing has caused much stress with my Ex dp. I'm still struggling if I put too much emphasis on work/money and should have just gone with the flow as now his gone you start to realize there is more valuable things than cash that they bought to the relationship. However there is the saying there's no romance without finance hmm

scarlets Thu 10-Dec-15 09:30:00

It depends. Why did he lose them? If jobs are scarce in your area and he was "let go" by two employers, I'd be sympathetic, and would view him as unlucky. However, if he buggered about and got fired, and then didn't try hard to find work, I wouldn't be very tolerant - you don't need a freeloader in your life, I wouldn't have thought.

pinkyredrose Thu 10-Dec-15 09:30:58

Why does he lose the jobs?

expatinscotland Thu 10-Dec-15 09:32:17

Oh, dear god! Seriously, this is best you think you can do? This man is a loser. I hate to have to tell you this, but this is the type of person I warn my children off. Let this one go. There's nothing to save here.

Suddenlyseymour Thu 10-Dec-15 09:34:00

But what characteristics/ issues are causing his inability to keep a job? Unlessthere are serious health issues at play, the fact that he can't provide for himself is in itself unattractive and more importantly deeply worrying; the future would look very bleak.

anyonelikeanytoast Thu 10-Dec-15 09:37:31

There are more valuable things than cash of course, but it does affect things. Getting up to go to work, and leaving your partner lying behind in bed (which is what happens when he stays at mine) does not a happy atmosphere make.

We are in London, so no shortage of jobs. He was released from the first job for not being alert enough on an early shift. The second one was a door to door sales job, and he didn't improve enough on his targets.

He has a weeks unpaid training starting next week; with a job (zero hours) to follow. However he was telling me a few nights ago that he wasn't sure if he should go or not. Clearly wanting my input, but I've told him I can't make his decisions for him...he's an adult!

The pattern seems to be that he gets a job, loses the job, flings himself around applying for every job going, has a few unsuccessful interviews and then gives up for months. I know he lacks confidence and I do feel for him. The relationship is just so utterly stuck though, and how long do I tolerate all the stress?

expatinscotland Thu 10-Dec-15 09:37:46

He's worked 2 months in a year. And he's able bodied. This says it all. If there's one thing I tell my children to avoid, it's a lazy person. No matter what other characteristics they have, they are at best an exotic pet you will have to pay to keep.

anyonelikeanytoast Thu 10-Dec-15 09:40:33

He does have depression; which doesn't help of course. He really lacks confidence as well. He just seems so...passive.

We do have a good relationship in so many ways though. Is it really fair to break up over this? I work, it's not as if I need a man to "look after me"

The only thing is that I'm spending all my time looking after him, and he doesn't seem to grasp how badly it's impacting my mental health.

scarlets Thu 10-Dec-15 09:44:31

I don't reckon that there's any excuse for an able-bodied, neurotypical city dweller to be on JSA for more than a few weeks tbh. It may not fit in with the prevailing PC narrative, but that's what I think.

Door to door sales is hard. I wouldn't meet targets either! I reckon lots of us would fail at it. But being half-asleep at work during your first few weeks is ridiculous.

I think he wants to drift and scrounge his way through life. Let him get on with it. Elsewhere.

scarlets Thu 10-Dec-15 09:45:40

Xp. Saw the "depression" bit. If it's genuine that could be relevant of course. It's dibilitating.

anyonelikeanytoast Thu 10-Dec-15 09:48:52

I couldn't do door to door sales either. So I don't really blame him for losing that job.

It just all makes me feel so awful. I try to be supportive. I tell him that I will be, but then I keep ending up getting really short tempered. I've had to step back from it all because I don't like the person he is turning me into.

Yes, depression is very debilitating. I suffer from it myself. However I still have to get on with my life and go to work.

Ninkynonkrinkydonk Thu 10-Dec-15 09:56:13

How do you see your future panning out at this rate? Doesn't look very bright, does it? This would be a deal breaker for me. I don't expect my dp to be loaded or have the best job in the world, but he must have a good work ethic and try hard for me to have any respect for him.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 10-Dec-15 10:00:19

So what does he do all day?
He's had 44 weeks 'free time' so what does he do with it?

anyonelikeanytoast Thu 10-Dec-15 10:00:53

The future doesn't seem too bright right now to be honest.

He keeps saying he will get a job, but when? I feel so sad that it's Christmas, and I can't even make any plans with my own BF. It's really upsetting.

I honestly never thought he would still be unemployed a year down the line. I really though our relationship meant more to him.

I've tried cutting off his privileges (won't let him come and stay at mine for a week at a time etc) in the hope it might spur him on. That makes me feel horribly manipulative though; which honestly isn't in my nature.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Thu 10-Dec-15 10:01:20

Right this very minute, he could be earning 500pw in a warehouse during he Xmas rush. Except that he didn't bother back in September when they were recruiting. Cocklodger, bin.

Oh, and DO NOT have one last shag. Gives him the wrong idea, weakens your resolve.

TonySopranosVest Thu 10-Dec-15 10:01:28

You suffer from depression but still go to work every day?

anyonelikeanytoast Thu 10-Dec-15 10:03:50

He doesn't do much really.

He lives with a relative. When he isn't with me he is basically just hanging around in the house.

Christ it sounds so bad. I really do want him to get more of a life. I'm always suggesting things he could do to improve his circumstances. It makes me really uncomfortable knowing he's just hanging around waiting to come and see me.

Terrible cliche, but I thought being in a relationship with me might spur him on. It hasn't though. Nothing has changed. Although he says he thinks differently now. What the hell help is that to me though?

anyonelikeanytoast Thu 10-Dec-15 10:05:24

Yes I go to work everyday. I'm really struggling with my depression right now though. Things are very tough.

That's true about the Christmas jobs. I never thought of that.

Atomik Thu 10-Dec-15 10:05:27

Is it really fair to break up over this ?

Is it fair to your older self, and any children you might hope to have, to hobble yourself/them from the get go, by committing yourself to a man who does not have the same priorities as you ?

You are supposed to be in the tail end of the honeymoon stage at the one year point.

If it is this hard already, what will it feel like when the first romantic flush is truely over and the two of you are having to maintain your bond in the face of the myriad of pressures that come with adult responsibilities ?

In your shoes I think would be chanelling my "ten years older than I am right now" self and stridently ordering my current self to "Run, don't walk... get out now. While it will still be relatively painless. While there are no small people who will be the casualties of us carrying on in the face of so much evidence that this won't make us anything like happy in the longer term".

When two people don't fit, they don't fit. It doesn't matter who has the right priorities, and who does not. All that matters is that the relationship is pretty much doomed to being the love version of spending your life with your shoes on the wrong feet. Initially uncomfortable and then wholesale painful. All while making even the simplest thing fifty times harder than it ever needed to be.

manana21 Thu 10-Dec-15 10:05:53

I think you should run away - why would you want to get yourself into effectively a carer role, for a BF? If you'd been together years and he'd worked his legs off contributing to the family pot, and was having a spell of exhaustion it would be different. Yes I probably do feel he as an individual deserves sympathy but you've put up with this long enough, my advice is cut and run. Life is supposed to be fun most of the time.

mayhew Thu 10-Dec-15 10:08:41

My daughter has missed a similar bullet. Fortunately they didn't live together. Lovely lad, no drive, no direction. Nothing was ever his fault.

What I've always said to her is the old MN advice, judge them on what they do not what they say. If he does fuck all? Hazarding a guess, how great is his domestic contribution?

Basically, you want a partner and you've acquired a dependent. What would happen if you were needing care and support and couldn't work? The longer this goes on, the longer it will go on.

manana21 Thu 10-Dec-15 10:10:56

I've got 2 friends who've been with similar guys - one left him while she was still young and met a guy she's much better suited to and they both work, while 10 years on he's still drifting about not doing much, still depressed etc. My other friend had a DC with the guy, and after 10 awful years she finally left him, he found another woman to hang around (still hasn't ever worked for long) and she met someone else and is much, much happier. Things like motivation have to come from within, if you're constantly trying to push someone to do something you're flogging a dead horse. Both of these guys were nice chaps, not horrible except that they were never going to take responsibility for themselves or any DC.

MrsPnut Thu 10-Dec-15 10:14:23

I would run so far in the opposite direction and never look back, He hasn't bothered to get off his arse and find a job and he has no drive to do anything that might improve his outlook. If he has no ties then there is no reason why he couldn't work anywhere there is a job.

He wants you to look after him and cosset him, and if he's just waiting around to see you then what happens when you want to do things without him?

anyonelikeanytoast Thu 10-Dec-15 10:14:34

I'm not planning on children. I'm getting a bit long in the tooth, and my lifestyle/financial situation is not anywhere near what it needs to be to have a family.

I would have loved a family in different circumstances though. I get very depressed about it sometimes. Hilariously my BF says he wants to get married and have a family!

If I couldn't work I would be utterly screwed in every way. I do have a very good friend who helps me out financially sometimes though, so he would probably help. That irritates me as well though to be honest...that my BF is happy for another man to help me when I struggle when it's his bloody job.

I really think he wants to do these things though. There's just some massive block that he can't get past for some reason.

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