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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I feel sick and sad

84 replies

thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 01:33

My daughter age 5 has been ill this eve with a high temp. 8pm took some calpol which she hates and goes to bed. Wakes up at 10pm temp over 38, shaking, moaning. I say "she needs some neurofen as well to bring temp down". dh replies "well I'm not going at this time I've got work tomorrow". So I say "so you would send me out at 10pm on my own?" We live in a quiet village nearest supermarket open at this time is 15 min drive away. dh replies "I've got to be up for work" I start looking for my clothes etc then dh convinces me dd is cooling down and doesn't need anymore medicine.

We fall asleep, dd wakes up at midnight temp 38, red hot to touch etc I get her to take 5 ml of Calpol reluctantly, she hates the taste and after 45 mins still hasn't taken the full dose (she needed 10ml) dh says "fuck sake, I'll have to go and get some Neurofen" and starts putting on his clothes. I nod and say "I think she needs it" once dressed dh tells me in an angry tone "I'm not happy about this" and stares at me in the eyes, I'm quite shocked by this and reply "I've not done anything, I haven't asked you to go out" he then gives a sarcastic "oh yes" I think I replied something like "You said you were going out to get Neurofen, It's not my fault" another sarcastic "yes, yes, whatever I can tell it's what you're saying" in a very unpleasant tone. I can't remember exact words here as I was flabbergasted at how he was behaving, I said something along the lines of "why are you behaving like this, your daughter is ill, I haven't done anything wrong" another sarcastic angry unpleasant response from him muttering "oh no of course you've not" I can't remember exactly what he said but I felt so bewildered, shocked that he could act so coldly in such a situation. I asked him why he was doing this and he left.

OP posts:

Report

thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 01:36

We have quite a few situations like this where I feel he is blaming me for something completely out of my control.

OP posts:

Jackkac · 04/12/2015 01:38

Whilst I can understand he is pissed off having to get up through the night when up early it isn't an excuse to act like a total dick.
Life is full of events that are inconvenient and frustrating but you have to do the right thing.
Tell him to man up and sort himself out.

thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 01:39

He has just come home with neurofen and given dd some being as nice as pie to her, stroking her head telling her she will feel better soon and he's now gone to sleep in dd bed ( she is in with me now )

OP posts:

CainInThePunting · 04/12/2015 01:47

He is being a dick because he knows he should have gone out earlier and he knows he didn't because he was being selfish.
He is now being a selfish dick by blaming you for his selfish dickishness because he is embarrassed for showing himself up as a selfish dick.
He is a selfish dick on all counts.
Hope that makes sense.
It's not you, it's him.

Make him sleep in DDs bed until he apologises for being a selfish dick to his worried wife and poorly child.

AlwaysBeYourself · 04/12/2015 01:51

Why did you not go out and get the nurofen yourself earlier though?

AlwaysBeYourself · 04/12/2015 01:55

I don't understand why you didn't go out yourself if he needed to get ready for work in the morning. Am I missing something?

CainInThePunting · 04/12/2015 01:58

And ffs stop defending yourself so he can add further attacks.

You asked him to go, he refused, you went to go go out, he convinced you not to.
Then he realised it was necessary so is making it all your fault.
Stop being defensive and start making him grow up.

Hope DD is ok now.

claraschu · 04/12/2015 02:00

Why didn't you go?

CainInThePunting · 04/12/2015 02:00

ABY, it's in the OP.
He convinced her there was no need.

TheTigerIsOut · 04/12/2015 02:03

So what if he is working? Do you think the op will be having a lie in with an ill child? It seems to me that the op could have picked up the neurofen heself but it us not as I-need-to-rest Daddy was going to be keeping an eye on the girl was she was out, was he? He would have gone back to sleep regardless.

AlwaysBeYourself · 04/12/2015 02:03

But she asked him if he would really send her out on her own? Why could she not go on her own.

AlwaysBeYourself · 04/12/2015 02:07

Well Tiger you don't know that the DH would go to sleep and not look after his daughter. Anyway, this conversation occurred at 8.00 and her husband wanted to get his stuff sorted for morning, not go to bed.

CainInThePunting · 04/12/2015 02:10

It's a bit irrelevant really.

2 hours later he has decided to go out without being asked and is making out like OP engineered the whole scenario to deprive him of sleep.

He is being a selfish dick to both OP and DD.

TheTigerIsOut · 04/12/2015 02:10

what makes you think he would? His insistance to be left alone so he could sleep?

AlwaysBeYourself · 04/12/2015 02:11

Sorry Tiger my mistake, conversation was at 10.00

AlwaysBeYourself · 04/12/2015 02:13

Sounds like there is more going on here than just the nurofen incident if OPs DH is so nasty towards OP though.

thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 02:14

I was going to go and get it, I never asked dh to go I just said dd needed it dh then said he wasn't going. I started to get ready ( as was in pj's ) dh then said dd was feeling cooler and he didn't think she needed it, she was also drifting back off to sleep. I didn't want to go out myself because tbh I was a bit nervous of driving 15 mins each way along country roads late at night on my own....but I would have gone. I took dd temp and it had gone down to 37 and we had calpol in which I knew she could have again in an hour and a half. I wasn't expecting dd to refuse to take it.

OP posts:

Canyouforgiveher · 04/12/2015 02:14

We have quite a few situations like this where I feel he is blaming me for something completely out of my control.

Bet that makes him feel good.

You need to nip this in the bud right now. Sit down with him when you both aren't stressed/dealing with children and simply tell him that you absolutely will not be a punching bag for his frustrations with childrearing (that is what is going on here imo). tell him straight. Don't ask him to understand. Don't argue the toss. don't explain how you feel. just say "you often act like it is my fault when parenting things go wrong. an example was the time you went for nurofen and acted like it was my fault. I will not put up with that. Please stop it. I won't blame you and then you won't blame me". Don't beg or plead for his understanding - tell him how you expect to be treated.

And the next time he does this (and I think he will). Tell him you are not putting up with this shit and walk away.

Some people feel better if they make others feel bad or to blame in stressful situations. It isn't a particularly nice trait.

thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 02:17

Conversation about going out to get neurofen originally happened at ten. He didn't want to go because he had to be up for work in morning. I have to be up in the morning too as have older child to take to school.

OP posts:

ohtheholidays · 04/12/2015 02:20

He sounds like an aggresive bully OP!

You don't have to put up with that kind of crap you know,I did for far to long with my ex husband(9 years wasted on him)the best thing I ever did was to end that relationship.

There's no way my DH would react in that way,it's not normal.He'd have been really worried and he would have gone out and got the medicine there's no way he'd want me going out on my own when it was so dark and so cold.

His reaction was in noway normal and that's worrying if he's often like that towards you.

I hope your DD feels alot better in the morning and I hope you and DD both manage to get some sleep.

MistressDeeCee · 04/12/2015 02:24

He's a parent, a DCs illness isn't always going to fit into his work pattern is it. & you're going to want to talk to him if you're worried, what were you supposed to do, get on with it all alone? Talk to the wall so he gets his precious sleep? He's a tower of strength in times of need, isn't he? Maybe your little one should have been ill at a "better" time for him. Dickishness doesn't cover it. Focus on your DC and ignore him as best you can, its not worth getting into an argument for nonsense. Hope DC is much recovered now

thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 02:25

Yes there is more going on, I needed some perspective on this single incident because this kind of thing happens a lot. I tell him he is being unreasonable and there is no justification for how he behaves/what he says but he can never see things from the other side, only how things affect him.

OP posts:

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thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 02:35

Dh would have stayed with dd if I had of gone to get the medicine, he wouldn't have gone to sleep or less she did.

Dd is still awake, tossing and turning. Temp has dropped to 37.7 now so down a bit.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 04/12/2015 02:36

You are married to a selfish, self absorbed, arrogant man.

You could try marriage counselling, but tbh this sort of character defect isn't really curable as long as he thinks he has nothing to lose by behaving like a dick.

Sansoora · 04/12/2015 02:40

Im still trying to get beyond the OP not wanting to go and drive along country roads at night.

But that said - Dad should have gone from the outset so the wee one could have her mummy for comfort.

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