Help - monopoly-playing ex is sleeping in his car. What do I do?

[thinkingmakesitso]

He has taken the dc to his parent's tonight and I strapped ds in while ex went to the loo. There was a thick blanket and a towel on the back seat. Yesterday I realised that he had come here in the day despite my arranging my own child care. Now I know why.

I was too shocked to say anything, but my first instinct is to send him a text saying 'if you are sleeping in your car you had better stay here' but I'm scared if he moves back in he will never leave, or will be seen as primary carer again and I will be the one leaving.

FFS - what do I do? I can't have the dc's father sleeping out in winter, but I am so angry with him for letting this happen. If I do let him back, I will keep paying for childcare despite him being here- will that be enough to prevent his being seen as main carer?

I am reeling - was actually looking forward to some head space this weekend and now it's going to be stomach-churning anxiety all the way.

[Offred]

You are not having him sleeping in his car.

He is choosing to sleep in his car so you take him back.

Do nothing, he is a big boy.

How do you know he isn't in a hotel and just leaving strategic blankets/making strategic house calls to manipulate you?

[Offred]

Have your headspace.

Develop the roll in your eyes for the next example of manipulative bullshit.

[kerbs]

He's determined to be pathetic isn't he? It's his choice, ignore it.

My adult son told me that I was responsible for him, I disagreed, and he has made a life for himself. Toughen up OP or you will be taking a huge step back backward.

[magoria]

Don't do it.

There must be places he can stay. Family, friends, hostels.

[Joysmum]

You don't make him sleep in his car.

Seriously, stop making his choices your fault.

Step back, let him feel the force of the consequences his decisions have resulted in. If you don't, you'll always make yourself responsible for him and he'll never stand by his own choices in life.

[TooSassy]

He's not sleeping in his car. If he is that's his choice. The vast majority of us have a network who would happily let us kip on their sofa in these circumstances.

Don't be pulled into his games. He's out. Keep him out

[Amazemedontbeacunt]

Please don't fall for it

[amarmai]

op as he is ex you wd be making a huge mistake if you succumb to your emotions. Not sure what adult son has to do with this-does he live with you? Maybe he and his father cd get a place together-away from your house? Does he have prev for manipulating you, making you feel sorry for him? Listen to what you have told us = that he will be seen as the primary care giver-then you can live in your car maybe?Time to get tuff ,op.

[petalsandstars]

Don't let him back in. He is playing you.

[NettleTea]

whats happened to his friend? I bet the car sleeping is just to tug on the heart strings. He needs to get some work and find a bedsit. He didnt seem to have a problem when he left of his own accord 15 months ago.

[thinkingmakesitso]

What a twat he is. At the end of the summer he spoke of 'trying not to work until Christmas' and now he's in the fucking car. The friend was always meant to be temporary and most of his friends can be odd and temperamental, so not surprised if that has fallen through.

I can't stand the thought of having him here, but I'm worried about the legalities and how it will look.

[Offred]

Why are you worrying at all?

He is a grown man.

Just let him sort himself out.

If he wants to sleep in his car then let him.

Don't make it, or him, into your problem.

[Goodbetterbest]

He has parents. He can stay there.

End of.

[thinkingmakesitso]

Perhaps I should encourage him to stay at his mum's - 90 minutes away- and save up so he can move back to this area as soon as he can? He won't want to be away from the dc though.

[Offred]

He's an adult man with kids.

He is more than capable of going to the council and presenting as homeless even if he didn't have parents...

That said I really seriously doubt he is ACTUALLY sleeping in his car, unless he is one of those masochistic narcissists who actually get their supply from the effect actually harming themselves has on other people...

[BathtimeFunkster]

His living arrangements are nothing to do with you any more.

He's a grown man. You're not his mother.

[Goodbetterbest]

And actually you are assuming he is sleeping in his car. He hasn't said it is so.

Of course you can solve his problems. Yes of course you can carry him, support him mentally, emotionally and financially. But there will be consequences and he will abuse your good nature. The kids will think he has come home, that'll confuse them won't it?

Honestly, he is an adults he makes his decisions. He might not even be sleeping in his car. He wants to be your problem. He will ALWAYS be your problem if you allow him to.

[Offred]

Do. Not. Get. Involved.

Seriously?! 'Maybe I should encourage him to stay at his mum's' well yeah if you want to be responsible for and blamed for everything in his life!!!

[wallywobbles]

Why are you making this your problem? It isn't. Learn to recognise the difference and take a very large step back.

Yes he will manipulate any "goodness" on your part so that you will end up inviting him to fuck you over.

DO NOT DO THIS.

[Offred]

what help do you think you would be giving him there?

Do you think he is incapable of realising that he could stay at his mum's? Or maybe that he doesn't realise he can save money for a roof over his head?

Stop flying in and rescuing him and then complaining about him!

You are in the Karpman triangle -
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

[Amazemedontbeacunt]

No, don't encourage him to do anything. He's a grown up. If he wants to stay at his mums he can make that decision. Just concentrate on you and DC

[Sunnyminimalist2]

Read this

www.gov.uk/emergency-housing-if-homeless

[Goodbetterbest]

OP I really do sympathise with you. I helped my cheating ex find a new place, even helped him move. He still tries to depend on me for instruction, help, facilitating his life/relationship with kids.

HE WILL NEVER THINK FOR HIMSELF IF YOU DO HIS THINKING FOR HIM.

It is time to walk away. You look after the children, they are your responsibility. They are your priority. He needs to live his life himself.