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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I being an over sensitive bitch?

90 replies

turkishly · 15/08/2015 22:49

Okay this is gonna be long and I hope not too boring. Guess I just want to rant

Been with dh many years and have four dc. Hes what I would describe as quite serious and practical compared to me. Hes also, I guess, a bit tight. What spare cash we have I like doing stuff-days out, weekends away holidays etc. Creating memories. While he does like these things, there seems to be a limit on how many we do. He never very often suggests going anywhere but does always (reluctantly sometimes) agree.
This wouldnt necessarily be a problem except I dont drive so am limited to what I can and cannot do without him. Ive never been remotely interested in driving. I love walking and dont mind public transport. However there's only so far you can go without a car

Recently we decided to upgrade the car and have had a new one through my work. For the first time ever ive wished I could drive. Theses this new car sitting outside but it may as well be a jumbo jet for all the use it is to me.
Dh has been showing off a bit and showing his family etc.who all seem to refer to it as his car. I feel narked.childish I know

I said to dh I may learn to drive in the new year to which he basically replied I wouldn't be very good (!) And even if I did pass I wouldn't be able to handle a car this size! I feel humiliated.
I have been really sarky with him.and making a point of limiting the 'lifts' that I have in 'my'car.
Am I being a prat?

OP posts:

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JoyceDivision · 15/08/2015 22:51

YANBU

Get the lessons booked. Being able to drive does not mean you have to abandon publictransport / walking!

But it is feckin ace being able to to just hop incar and go...

midgeymum2 · 15/08/2015 22:52

No. He's being a prat. Book yourself some lessons, pass your test and keep the keys to your car in your bag.

turkishly · 15/08/2015 22:55

I am gonna do it!
Thanks for your reply!
I have never felt the need for independence like this.
I just feel hugely angry (with myself) for being a drip and not driving and relying on a man and unable to get about unless he ok's it.

That sounds like DV. Its not at all but hope u get my drift

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turkishly · 15/08/2015 22:57

Ha ha midgey. Funny.
I feel like some little dog waiting for crumbs and waiting for him to suggest a day out at a castle or seaside or have him reluctantly agree if I suggest it

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CantAffordtoLive · 15/08/2015 23:01

Go for it. That is absolutely the only decision you can make and it will totally change your life.

His attitude is appalling. He should be encouraging you and supporting you. And I am sure you will be a really excellent driver.

I am going to watch this thread and I hope you come back on Monday and confirm that you have booked your first lesson.

ouryve · 15/08/2015 23:04

I don't drive and don't mind public transport (have been using it a lot, these holidays, having a DS who has decided he's a bus spotter) but I don't lie his tone. It shows a serious lack of respect for your and belief in you.

Sod him! Learn to drive and have the car for yourself!

turkishly · 15/08/2015 23:07

The thing is I dont think I will be good at it. I see my one sister drive and have seen her struggle terrible with parking. Ive felt nervous watching her. Shes been driving years now but is still dodgy at times.
I feel anxious about just starting with zero experience and im in my forties.
I really cant be arsed in one way and probably wouldn't bother even now if dh was more enthusiastic about getting out and about.
We have had a couple of lovely UK breaks recently but he made a fuss about driving so far as they were hundreds of miles away.
You would think he would be glad if I passed my test so we could share the drive.

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turkishly · 15/08/2015 23:10

ouryve
Ive never minded public transport, particularly as I live in a big city and transport great. Its more seeing more if the Uk or evem just going out into the country on a nice day. Sometimes hes up for it but few amd far between.

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RevsDeCub · 15/08/2015 23:15

My DP is 40s and is just starting his driving lessons. I'm the driver, I drive everywhere & it's so tiring & annoying as he always gets to drink
I'm being nothing but supportive and trying to do everything I can to make sure he is comfortable & confident. He's even insured on my car & can drive (with me as a passenger) although we have only gone around the block so far. It's a shame your DP isn't being more supportive
Definitely get them lessons booked. It's never too late & just because your sister is a nervous driver doesn't mean you will be. I HATED my driving lessons but I love driving now (just not parallel parking...).

midgeymum2 · 15/08/2015 23:15

You won't know till you try! And just because you can drive, doesn't mean you have to - it just means that you have the choice.

turkishly · 15/08/2015 23:19

midgey your right. I half want to to do.it to.prove I can.
Ive had a go at him tonight. And hea blanked.me all.night as a result.
Hes just sarcastically said he will be up early tomorrow to take us all.out somewhere. Ha. As if. Fuck off. Cheeky fucker.

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midgeymum2 · 15/08/2015 23:23

What a bloody cheek!

Take the keys back! Or stick them up his arse...

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/08/2015 23:26

Learn to drive. Then use YOUR car to go where you want to go.

As you don't drive currently, of course he'll view any car you have as "his car". To change that, you need to drive.

turkishly · 15/08/2015 23:30

I feel like sending the bloody car back. No benefit to me. What little use I get doesnt justify cost.
To ne honest im furious in general lately.car or no car, id love it if he said hey lets have a weekend by the sea or lunch in a country pub. But no, Its usually me who suggessts something for him to say a negative:'another break?' Or its too far or can we afford it. It puts a dampener on things.
I could understand if je was theain breadwinner but I earn probably more.

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BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 15/08/2015 23:32

I know quite a few people who learned to drive later in life, mostly because they lived in London where they didn't need to drive and moved out and so needed to learn. They all loved it once they got going. Even my H, who didn't want to learn, eventually took lessons just after he turned 50 and passed first time and he really enjoys the freedom it has given him.

midgeymum2 · 15/08/2015 23:32

Send it back then, and tell him why. But still learn to drive though

turkishly · 15/08/2015 23:35

Santa
I didn't care with our old car as he actually technically did buy that. This one is in my name. Spiteful and childish I know but I am proper narked when famiky have said nice car mr. Turkishly. I wouldn't mind if it was referred to as our car but its his car.oh yeah.

He was evem chatting to his sister about cars (specifically our car) the other day as clearly she understands but a non driver like me is too thick.

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turkishly · 15/08/2015 23:38

Thats reassuring blackamericano.
I think I might benefit from an intensive couese as opposed to weekly lessons. Just get it all over with.

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Vatersay · 15/08/2015 23:41

Turk driving is a life skill. If you can afford the lessons book them ASAP.

There is no need to be nervous. Driving is a skill like anything else -hard until you know how. You get lessons and practice lots and it becomes very natural.

I'm quite cross on your behalf - go our and prove him wrong.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/08/2015 23:41

It's come via your work. You pay for it.

It's your car .

GiddyOnZackHunt · 15/08/2015 23:45

I'm struggling to imagine a job that gets you a car without needing it for work so I'm assuming you work for somewhere that gets you a discount car at your own expense.
However it is definitely worth learning. If you learn in a diddy car and only drive diddy cars then big cars can feel tricky. Find out if any driving instructors (newish ones particularly) would be willing to start you off in their car and move on to yours. Will any family member be willing to take you out in your car to practice?
FWIW I learnt to drive in a big family saloon and always drove big cars. I could reverse a transit van into a space on mirrors at 18.
I wonder if he's worried about his fragile male ego being dented if you usurp his controlling hand in driving. His attitude sounds a bit odd tbh.

turkishly · 15/08/2015 23:49

I never before saw it as a life skill. Probably as I never needed to drive and I never wanted the stress involved. I just couldn't be bothered.
However, I do now see it as a life skill. I still can't be arsed though and I feel embarrassed in case I see someone I know as most people even twenty years younger than me have been driving years

OP posts:

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JoyceDivision · 15/08/2015 23:51

If dh has driven more than 3 years when you get your learner licence can't he sit in car while you drive?

(please checkso I don't get you dome!)

he can HELP you learn

Oh yeah, fucking well rub it in hisface YOU will be driving YOUR car!

Vatersay · 15/08/2015 23:52

Turk don't care what anyone else thinks. I' sure there are lots if things that you can do that they can.

Besides I've been driving since I was 17 and if I saw a friend learning I'd just think 'good for them, how sensible to add to their independence'.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 15/08/2015 23:53

I sort of sympathise with your DH about not wanting to go on 'lovely trips' as I got pretty pissed off with having to drive the family everywhere. Particularly on the homeward journey in the evening when everyone would fall asleep and I had to stay alert. H never understood how much more tiring it was to drive for three hours than to sit in the passenger seat for the same time, until he did it himself, especially night drives.

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