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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Visits from grandparents- how much is too much?

86 replies

Ineedmorewine · 12/08/2015 11:31

I've NC as my DMIL is on this site!

DH and I live about 120 miles from PILs. ATM we see them about 3-4 times a year.
I'm 8 months PG. PILs were planning to visit in the first week after the baby's born but I put my foot down on this and said I want time with DH and DBaby before anyone visits. They were pissed off but I think they get it.

Last night on Skype DMIL said something along the lines of 'We'll come and visit every two or three weeks for a weekend'. I was but I didn't say anything at the time.

Is it me or is this really excessive? I get that they want to see DBaby but the idea of every 1 in 2 or 1 in 3 weekends being eaten up by PILs visiting is a nightmare.
I was envisaging seeing them maybe every couple of months but I think they have different ideas. One of my cousins on FB said his parents come every month but even this, I think, is a bit much.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Report

ElizabethSpenser · 12/08/2015 11:34

What is not enough for one is too much for another.
You and your DH are going to have to work out what suits you with your ILs.

FredaMayor · 12/08/2015 11:37

OP, I don't know about excessive, but I do think it should be up to you when PIL visit, not them. Don't hold back in saying what you want in that regard, it should be your call and you don't have to justify it to anyone.

Imperial · 12/08/2015 11:40

I don't have a particularly good relationship with my in laws partly because they insisted on coming weekly when I had my first baby and turning up whether it was convenient of not. It was awful and really soured my memories of that time of my life.

We now have 3 children and see them maybe every 2-3 months which is far more reasonable especially as the children also now have their own social lives and commitments.

Ultimately I think it depends on your relationship with them. My friend's mother in law visits weekly and spends a weekend at least once a month and I often pop round when she is there too because she is so lovely it's a pleasure to see her. I wish she was mine as opposed to the one I got landed with.

Ineedmorewine · 12/08/2015 11:40

If it was up to me I'd never see them again and I think DH would only see them a couple of times a year!

OP posts:

TurnOffTheTv · 12/08/2015 11:42

My own Mum stays two nights a week. My in laws live 300 miles away and stay for a long weekend once a month. We normally go on holiday with them about twice a year.

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2015 11:47

I suppose it depends on your relationship with them but I would be really upset if my son didn't want me to come and see the baby within the first week. I wouldn't mind not staying more than half an hour, but there is something really special about seeing your child's child when it's newly born, I would think.

When they say they'd visit every three weeks, do they mean a Friday-Monday visit or a visit for an afternoon?

Dynomite · 12/08/2015 11:51

I don't think it's that much and I think it's normal in a lot of families that get along well. And a lot of people love the extra help they get from grandparents. But you don't sound like you have a good relationship with them. So set your own limits. They're your weekends to spend as you choose. Don't complain later on when they don't help you out though. If you decide to keep your distance, then so be it.

ZetaPu · 12/08/2015 11:52

Not only does it depend on your relationship with them, but it depends on your dhs relationship with them.
Are they helpful? If they're willing to cook and clean for you, take the baby for a bit so you can get some rest and not be a hassle then it may not be a bad thing.

HoggleHoggle · 12/08/2015 11:56

Yes, I think staying a full weekend every 2-3 weeks is a bit much personally.

I really think you're very unreasonable to ban them totally for the first week of your baby's life. Fair enough for the first day or two but a week just seems a bit harsh. Unless they're totally batshit...

Ineedmorewine · 12/08/2015 11:56

Imperial No, they'd visit for a whole weekend- Monday to Friday.

We get on when they're here but I find it exhausting to have people in my house at all so them being here very regularly and with a DBaby... phew!

They're not the sort of people who will just come in and 'take over' if you like which I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind at all if DMIL just came in and started tidying or washing to help out and DFIL got on with some DIY or looked after DBaby but I know they'll expect to be 'hosted' IYSWIM.

OP posts:

Ineedmorewine · 12/08/2015 12:00

Sorry I think my thing about the first week wasn't clear. My fault. I meant I want about 5 days on my own with the DBaby before people come to stay.

DPIL were asking DH to call them as soon as I went into labour and they'd get in the car and start driving straight away.

OP posts:

Bubblesinthesummer · 12/08/2015 12:00

No one can say whether it is too much or not as it is a personal thing.

I don't think 1 in 3 weekends necessarily is, but you do. It is up to you, your DH and IL to work out I'm afraid.

Koalafications · 12/08/2015 12:04

You say your MIL is on MN and that's quite a distinctive post, do you not think she will be upset if she reads this?

ARV1981 · 12/08/2015 12:08

Yep, depends on how they behave once they're there...

My sister's MiL visited a week after her ds was born and expected my dsis wait on her hand a foot. This was just one week after a difficult delivery.

My mum had been staying the week before, and she did the waiting on hand and foot so it was a bit of a shock for dsis when MiL was soooo unhelpful in comparison.

I really think it depends on how they'll be once there. If they'll treat it like a hotel with you as the staff then don't have them visit. If they'll muck in and help then you may actually be glad of them!

Momzilla82 · 12/08/2015 12:12

Can you not just get a iPad/ Skype/ FaceTime thing going on weekly? I know exactly what you mean OP. It's overbearing. This need to be included constantly in the next generation. It's quite nice, but honestly it's a bit suffocating at times if it's not entirely wanted.

Ineedmorewine · 12/08/2015 12:13

ARV ATM they expect to be waited on, which we've always been happy to do because we're child-free. For example, if they get up before us in the mornings, they won't make themselves a cup of tea until we're up. It's not through being lazy but not wanting to seem 'rude' .

OP posts:

ARV1981 · 12/08/2015 12:13

Sorry cross posted... you say they'll expect to be 'hosted'.

So you'll have to put them off. They can't expect that a week after you've given birth. It's too much.

Alternatively, you could suggest some local hotels/b&b's and make it clear that they can visit to see baby, but they can't stay as you'll be too tired to 'host' them in the way they're accustomed.

MakeItACider · 12/08/2015 12:14

I think once a month is fine and lovely if they have a nice relationship with their own child and their child's partner.

I think its absolutely outrageous to assume that you have the right to a close relationship with your grandchildren without making the least bit of effort with the grandchildren's parents.

ARV1981 · 12/08/2015 12:14

Ahhh cross posted again!

Ineedmorewine · 12/08/2015 12:16

Momzilla That's exactly what I'd like to happen. A visit in person every couple of months, Skype every week or even more frequently because it doesn't require me and DH to be there and it doesn't massively disrupt everything about the house and routine.

My aunties and uncles all seem to be the same with their DGrandchildren- a constant need to be involved. I don't understand it. When I was growing up we saw one set of grandparents once a week for about 20 minutes and the other set every three months or so. They never stayed over, we never stayed over at theirs.

OP posts:

Ineedmorewine · 12/08/2015 12:20

Makeitacider I'm not closing the relationship. I want DBaby to have a good relationship with PILs and I make a huge effort with them already.

OP posts:

derektheladyhamster · 12/08/2015 12:23

Just a thought, but I couldn't wait to 'show off my baby', (I had never been close to pil before) the visits will tail off, we see pil probably about once every 2 months now (similar distance)

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hereandtherex · 12/08/2015 12:23

Difference between visiting and staying over.

Difference between staying over in a hotel and staying at your house.

Difference between staying over when you live in a 4 bed house and staying over when you live in a 2 bed flat.

Difference between staying over and mucking in and staying over and expecting to be entertained + fed.

PIL live 300 miles way. They did not see GS until he was 10 months. Had them to stay twice. Never gain. Put them in a hotel the previous time.

We see them roughly every year. The travelling takes 7 hours. We have limitied holiday. They do not.

Ineedmorewine · 12/08/2015 12:27

Thanks hereandtherex this is really helpful actually to concentrate my thoughts on the issue ready to chat with DH and, eventually, PILs about!

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 12/08/2015 12:29

Its only to be expected that they want to be involved with their gc but you need to set the rules from the start. Make it clear before it all starts that you will be far too busy to 'host' them or tell your other half its his job as his parents. Takeaway tea on the sat night and get mil to help make meal on sunday. They are old enough to make themselves coffee/tea.
You might also suggest they could look after baby for the evening when there so you could go out with DH for a few hours break.
For me personally once a month would only be ok if they helped out and gave you a break.

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