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Can casual sex stay as casual sex?

(93 Posts)
Nevergoingtolearn Thu 14-May-15 15:50:11

For the last couple of weeks I have been having what most would class as 'casual sex' with a old friend ( not a close friend ), having a relationship seems almost impossible for me at the moment due to my family. I have been seeing this bloke a couple times a week and texting most nights. Last time we saw each other we spent the morning together in bed, a few of the signs he was giving off told me that maybe he wants more ( he started asking me questions about my life and my children, just general chit chat ) and when we have sex he is very loving and passionate ( not what you would expect from someone just wanting a quick shag ). So I started thinking maybe he wants more? But then this week he has hardly text me, I did tell him I had a busy week and might not be able to see him but I thought he would still text. So now I'm thinking 'he's just after sex after all' ,so I seem to be getting mixed signals, I am happy with casual sex but a small part of me would like something a bit more ( even though introducing a new man to the family scares me to death ), maybe telling him a bit about my life scared him off? I don't know what to think.

Can casual sex ever be just that? Or can it only work if it's just a one off ( not once or twice a week ).

Should I text him? Could he be feeling the same as me and be waiting for me to text? I don't want to look like the desperate one by texting him sad.

whitecandles Thu 14-May-15 15:53:53

I don't know. I wish I could but I just can't. Always end up head over heels.

I think it's really hard, especially for women, for whatever reason.

AuntieStella Thu 14-May-15 15:54:59

I got mixed signals from your post. You say that a relationship would be 'impossible' but you seem to be hoping for signs that one mupight actually be on the cards.

What is it that you really want?

Nevergoingtolearn Thu 14-May-15 16:01:50

I'm not sure what I want, I guess I just want him to feel something for me ( I know that probably sounds sad ). It is possible that we could take things slowly and not involve my kids for quite a while. I havnt been single very long and I know I really need to be on my own for a bit but I am starting to have strong feelings ( which I'm trying to control ), I really don't want to get hurt which is why I don't want to risk telling him how I feel in case he says he's only in it for the sex.

He's giving me mixed signals, one minute he is all over me ( not just in a sexual way, it feels like he cares ), he has said things like 'we should have done this a long time ago' and he tells me I married the wrong man ( I knew him before I was with dh ) but now he has gone a few days barely texting. He has been on his own for a very long time, does not have kids and lives alone, maybe he's scared of being with someone?

Happyringo Thu 14-May-15 16:03:18

Have you been texting him? Maybe if you've been quiet too he's thinking the same thing as you are!

GinSoakedBitchyPony Thu 14-May-15 16:03:33

To answer your question about texting him, no problem at all for you to text him when you're free to see him for sex.
As for can it work, only if both honestly want it to stay casual. The fact that you've only been shagging him for a couple of weeks and you're already analysing his behaviour and admitting that a small part of you would like something more, well that's a slippery slope, IME.

How did you get together in the first place, and who suggested it should just be casual?

Nevergoingtolearn Thu 14-May-15 16:09:46

He is someone I knew 12 years ago, we used to flirt but he never made a move, I then met dh and didn't see him for years, I bumped into him a couple months ago and the flirting started again, after a few weeks we arrange to have sex ( casual sex ), I guess it was more me that said it was just sex, he knew I hadn't been split from dh for long and didn't want to take advantage so he let me make all the moves. After a week he said 'I think we should talk about what we are doing' but I said 'lets just keep things how they are' ( I think I was too scared to talk as it felt too soon for me to get into a relationship ), I have been trying to play it cool as I don't want to look desperate or look stupid for suggesting anything more than sex, now he has stopped texting I guess I am missing him or maybe just missing the attention?

I think I will give him one more day to text, if he doesn't then maybe I will text him? But what do I say?

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Thu 14-May-15 16:11:20

I think you're going to have to front it out and just ask him.
I did with a guy I've been "casually dating" and although I didn't get the answer I wanted (I don't think, like you I really don't know what I want!) at least now I know how he feels and what he wants and I can work my thoughts round that.
And I know exactly what you mean about the texting too. To text, or not to text? To reply straight away, or wait a while. None of this malarkey even existed the last time I was dating anyone!

Nevergoingtolearn Thu 14-May-15 16:14:42

Thank you Cardif, I think I will just have to pluck up the courage to ask him, I don't want the sex to end though ( as it's very good ) but I don't think it can work out if one of us has feelings and the other doesn't .

I hate texting but love it at the same time grin, it's hard to know what people actually mean whilst texting.

GinSoakedBitchyPony Thu 14-May-15 16:16:14

When did he last text you?
After I got divorced I was involved in a lengthy casual thing, and my view is that although it often sounds like a great idea, in practice it can be a bit of a challenge.
I think you are going to have to talk to him about it, sounds to me like you've already gone past being happy with 'just' sex. So talk to him.

GinSoakedBitchyPony Thu 14-May-15 16:17:05

Sorry about the x posts here. I type a reply out and hit send but it's taking ages to actually go through and post.

Nevergoingtolearn Thu 14-May-15 16:20:07

I text him yesterday, he text me back with a short simple text and that was it, we didn't text the day before, last time I saw him was last Friday ( not long ago I know ), the week before he was texting me up to ten times a day, he would text me at night to say 'goodnight and sweet dreams' but the past few days has hardly been anything. I think the last proper text he sent was to say 'don't keep me waiting too long for next time', maybe I annoyed him by saying I was busy until the weekend?

confusedoflondon Thu 14-May-15 16:21:42

I think the fact you've told him you were busy all week (not free for sex) and the drop off in his texts this week tell you he will be in touch when the sex is available again. I don't think he's scared I think he's enjoying the arrangement for what you both agreed it was. If you're getting feelings for him end it because if he had feelings for you he would still pay you attention even when sex wasn't on the agenda.

Nevergoingtolearn Thu 14-May-15 16:26:40

That's what I'm thinking sad, I'm either going to have to ask him how he feels or walk away and assume he only wants sex ( before I get hurt ).

AnyFucker Thu 14-May-15 16:26:55

quit the guesswork and just ask him

if you can share bodily fluids you should be able to have a discussion about where this is going

Nevergoingtolearn Thu 14-May-15 16:30:05

You right anyfucker

confusedoflondon Thu 14-May-15 16:31:22

Try not to feel bad about it, very few women can truly separate their feelings from sex I'm sure you're not alone.

GinSoakedBitchyPony Thu 14-May-15 16:31:50

I agree with confused.
Again, ask him. You need to know either way. Otherwise if you keep on seeing him you'll just get more emotionally involved and get more hurt.

GinSoakedBitchyPony Thu 14-May-15 16:32:41

xpost again, sorry. I meant I agree with confused post at 16.21, not necessarily the most recent post.

Lavenderice Thu 14-May-15 16:48:03

I think there's possibly two issues here.

1) I think he does want more but thinks that you don't so is maybe (clumsily) trying to distance himself before he gets hurt.

2) You are giving him mixed signals. You say you want it to be casual but you also say you want him to feel something for you. In your head that maybe quite clear, in his head it won't be.

Casual sex can only remain casual sex if both of you know that's just what it is. Anything else confused the fuck out of everyone (both figuratively and literally speaking)

Nevergoingtolearn Thu 14-May-15 16:54:47

Yes, I think I have given him mixed signals so he probably is confused, I refused to talk when he wanted to talk and then I told him I was busy this week, I have never mentioned that I want anything more than sex as at the time I didn't think we could have anything other than casual sex.

So he is either thinking the same as me but is too scared to say anything or he is really only after one thing?

Spell99 Thu 14-May-15 16:54:50

It sounds to me that he's trying not to be too pushy in case he scares you off. There is no substitute for an open honest conversation.

AuntieStella Thu 14-May-15 17:06:18

You'll only find out by talking to him.

I think I'd say something along the lines of "You know you said you wanted to talk about where this was going? I think I do want to talk about it. I'm not sure I know the answer, but I do want it to go somewhere"

goddessofsmallthings Thu 14-May-15 17:12:16

How about texting 'are you free to shag meet up on x day/night?' and take it from there?

It's perfectly possible to have deep conversations and loving and passionate sex with a fwb without wanting to turn the mutually satisfying liaison into a committed relationship, but in order to achieve this you'll need to be firm with your thoughts and avoid allowing emotion to transport you into the realm of coupled up fantasy.

Assuming you're not yet divorced, I would suggest you keep this fwb relationship under wraps at least until you are legally free to broadcast it. Regard it as an opportunity to have all the fun of a grand romance without fear of the relationship becoming bogged down in the more mundane aspects of daily life.

It could be that this is a little more than a knee-jerk reaction to splitting up with your stbx; something which has come about on the rebound, so to speak, and there's nothing wrong with partaking in an ego-boost to lift the low spirits which can afflict us after a break-up.

It could also be that he's the type of guy who moves in quick to fill a vacuum... and moves on quickly when another appears, in which case it's all the more important that you hang on to your head and don't allow it to be overruled by your heart.

confusedoflondon Thu 14-May-15 17:16:11

I think you may have assumed that by going somewhere you think he meant he had feelings. I'm going to take a punt and say that he brought it up because he suspected you had/were developing feelings for him. He may also have felt strange after the fact having no strings sex with a woman he's known so many years. When you gave him the go ahead (and assurance)however that it was fine as just sex he felt ok to carry on on that basis. So again if you have feelings tell him now but be wary that he doesn't try to be nice just to keep it going/make you feel better. The signs are no sex - very little contact/attention it seems.

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