I posted the thread 'DP's attitude to our life is making my own life miserable' - but I don't know how to link it.
The responses I received were SO, SO, SO helpful, and made me look at the relationship in a different way - I am more open to the idea that this isn't my fault.
I just wanted to give an example of what happens when I get angry/upset at DP's treatment towards me. I am still concerned that perhaps I cause the problems in some way, and this is because of DP's reaction - he gives the impression I have caused the problem. Here's my example...
Yesterday:
DP neglected to tell me something that I had to 'draw' out of him. I knew he wasn't being completely honest, so I had 'dig' a bit, and he eventually said that actually he wasn't able to do X, despite us having discussed the need for X to be done by Y date (can't be more specific here, sorry). What is important here is that the issue was something hugely important to me and to us as a couple, as due to logistics and my work and his work, we really needed something to be sorted by a particular date. Him getting this thing done was vital to getting this thing sorted overall, and removing a lot of stress for us.
When he eventually told me the truth, I was angry, and said "how many times have we talked about you just being honest? If something changes, then let me know, it's much worse for you to do this and it breaks my trust in you. I don't want to spend my days trying to dissect what you mean all the time before I get the truth from you. We also need to find another way round this issue now, and it would have been far better for you to have told me asap. I still don't understand how his can be sorted now or what we are going to do about it?"
DP's response: "I'm sorry. It can be sorted. Stop shouting. I thought it was best, I'm sorry, I made a poor judgement. There's nothing I can do about it now. I really love you and I'm sorry. We will sort this."
Me: Im really upset at this stage - "this happened last week, and the week before, I can't cope with this, I hate you for doing this I can't do this all the time, I fucking hate how you do this. How will it be sorted? You've not come up with anything and I don't even understand the reasons why there is now a problem. You just keep saying it will be sorted."
DP:"Oh fuck this I can't be arsed..."
ME: I hang up the phone.
I then text him and tell him I am in tears at my desk at work and I am so upset he has let me down. I tell him that I don't understand fully why there is now a problem and it's not clear to me what he wants to do to sort it out.
He texts back: I am sorry I reacted like that and shouted. It's not good enough I know. It will all be ok. [referring to the thing I am now quite concerned about sorting out as he has said he can no longer sort x as described above].
I text back: How can you say it will be ok? Why haven't you called to clarify this with me and explain? It's not ok and you saying it's ok is just belittling my feelings."
No response for the next 4 hours. He eventually calls me around 8pm. We talk, he apologises, says how he treated me 'wasn't good.' I explain that first him lying to me until I get things out of him isn't ok, then it's not ok to tell me to fuck off when I'm upset, and then it's not ok to not speak to me for the next 4 hours when he knows I am confused and upset.
His response:
- agrees...says he is sorry
- explains he didn't have time to talk as he had to go to the bank
- says he thought it was best not to call me as he didn't want an argument
- says he thought it was best to cool off for a few hours
- I comes up with something he CAN do to make the situation easier...he agrees that is a good idea.
So, he says he will put into action the thing that will actually help us...I then go off the phone and have a shower, and he says he will call me before bed after he has done said thing (this way essentially making a payment to confirm something that would significantly help logistically for us - ie assisting with the original thing he had let me down on).
I wait for the call back. I eventually call him. No answer. I hear nothing because he has fallen asleep and he didn't do said thing in the conversation because h fell asleep, so it wasn't his fault...he didn't mean to etc etc etc.
This morning I feel so exhausted - had little sleep and feel so drained and confused and as if I never know where I stand. I feel so unloved. I just want to be happy with him and it's like everything is a huge problem for him to just deal with things in a more normal way. It's like getting blood out of a stone