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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

porn - is there 'normal' usage levels

101 replies

kate00001 · 25/04/2015 16:46

I've been with my H for 20 years. We have DCs. Last year before fathers day I looked at his Google search history to buy him a part for his specialist hobby as a surprise. And there it was, he looks at a certain type of porn - up to several times per day. A type that is not like me or our relationship. Always the same type. I can't help but check now. For the past year it's always 1-2 times per day. Occasionally more. Our relationship isn't good and hasn't been for a while. We still have sex but only 1 - 2 times per week. Am I just a 'image' that he wants to keep up? Is the porn what he really wants or are fantasies just that and not what you want in real life?

OP posts:

Report

SevenAteNine · 25/04/2015 16:57

Rather than asking a bunch of strangers, why not ask him?

SevenAteNine · 25/04/2015 16:58

And absolutely. Fantasies are nothing to do with what I want IRL.

PurpleSwift · 25/04/2015 17:01

Fantasies are just that but his use does seem excessive. Perhaps he has somewhat checked out of the relationship of you admit it's isn't great?

LadyBlaBlah · 25/04/2015 17:04

The bit where you wrote "our relationship isn't good"..why? What is going on?

kate00001 · 25/04/2015 17:07

I haven't asked him because I know he will tell me what he thinks I want to hear, not to upset me. Yes maybe he has checked out, he is quite distant. Sorry sevenatenine it was just for opinions.

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DrMorbius · 25/04/2015 17:12

I have posted before a fact I read many moons ago. That being some men can take care of "personal maintenance" between 3-5 times per week. Your DH may have a slightly higher than normal drive and may use the porn as help.

Your DH's tastes may have changed over the years, especially if he was quite young when you first met. Let's face it, 50 Shades type activity was not mentioned that openly 20+ years ago. So he may viewing a type of porn that he now finds erotic but one he thinks you would not find equally erotic.

Therefore he may keep these little aspects of his life guarded.

You say your relationship is not good. I would look into why you think that is. It is possibly totally unrelated to his porn use (it may be of course and all the "death grip warriors will post soon).

I suggest you sit your husband down and talk about your relationship and his relationship with porn.

Good luck

kate00001 · 25/04/2015 17:13

It started to go down hill about 5 years ago when I started to challenge him on EA behaviour. Before that I didn't know what it was and accepted being treated not very well. I don't put up with that now and it does cause more tension but I feel stronger, he sees this as me having changed which is true. I saw how my friends husbands treated them and realised how wrong my relationship was. I was on ADs and struggling.

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kate00001 · 25/04/2015 17:17

Thanks DrMorbius thats a possibility. He does have a high sex drive, I could never physically equal having sex to how many times he uses it. The porn is of women much older, hence how I could never be that.

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LadyBlaBlah · 25/04/2015 17:19

If he's EA, then really the porn thing is just a sideline.
I will say I actually couldn't be with anyone who watched porn (and yes, to porn lovers out there, there are men who are not addicted to porn) but I certainly couldn't be with anyone who is EA.
What keeps you there?

kate00001 · 25/04/2015 17:23

Keeping me here, our 3 daughters and I can challenge him when he pushes EA so it's managed iykwim.

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SolidGoldBrass · 25/04/2015 17:48

As with anything to do with sexual behaviour, a concept of 'normal' porn viewing is pointless and irrelevant. It doesn't matter how many other people do or don't watch porn. What matters is what you and your partner are happy with.

In this situation, the EA's a bigger problem than the porn.

Vivacia · 25/04/2015 17:53

Morbius you're talking about masturbation. That's not the same thing as using porn.

Vivacia · 25/04/2015 17:54

Hell. Why would you want to manage someone's abusive behaviour? Think how easier life would be without having to manage abuse (or have sex with a porn addict, come to that).

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 17:55

What viv said

kate00001 · 25/04/2015 18:01

I don't know why viv, to try and make things ok? To avoid upsetting my girls? Because I feel like I should? I know I've got a lot of thinking to do. Thank you for your comments.

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DrMorbius · 25/04/2015 18:10

Vivacia - true but I said he may be using the porn as help. meaning with the masturbation.

JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 18:11

I don't think anyone knows what normal porn usage levels are anymore.

Most men, to varying degrees, seem to enjoy watching endless videos of 18 to 25 year old's having their faces ejaculated on and being penetrated in multiple orifices.

This is probably not a great leap forward for sexual politics and Western civilization genderally.

What you do about it though, now it's got to this stage, God only knows.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 18:14

I like that comment, Joe

Cherryapple1 · 25/04/2015 18:14

How sad. His abuse is ok because you manage it :(

The only level of acceptable porn to me is zero.

Do you not think that a father treating their mother like shit is very upsetting to your girls. Plus it is giving them a blueprint for their own future relationships too, which is never good is it.

kate00001 · 25/04/2015 18:23

Yes Joe, I suppose there is no norm now with the explosion of the internet.
Cherry, it's better than it was. It's not great I admit, but better. I know that's still not ok. I know I need to think seriously about our future.

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peggyundercrackers · 25/04/2015 18:27

But joe OPs OH isn't watching endless videos of 18-25 yr olds... Sorry your comment isn't relevant.

OP what is acceptable to you? Does it bother you he uses it?

JoeP79 · 25/04/2015 18:33

Fair point peggyundercrackers.

I was just making a general comment about our parlous times.

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AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 18:38

I took it as a general comment too

kate00001 · 25/04/2015 18:38

Yes it does peggy. My reluctance to say anything is because when we first met he had some magazines. He knew I wasn't too happy so just hid them better. I was young and it was more insecurity issues at that point. As I've got older and more informed about the industry my views are much stronger against it. I am confused because a. The type of porn b. Because I think people are entitled to their own views and preferences and c. I didn't explicitly tell him 20 years ago how against it I was because I wasn't until much later in the relationship.

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Vivacia · 25/04/2015 18:43

I don't know why viv, to try and make things ok? To avoid upsetting my girls? Because I feel like I should?

Well, the third reason is really interesting.

The first two suggestions make sense, but I guess it's not working any longer? Things aren't ok, and this isn't in the best interests of your daughters?

Flip

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