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Relationships

Affair gone wrong - I know I deserve it

249 replies

Susannah4444 · 22/02/2015 22:41

I just wondered if you could help me out with this without being too judgmental. I am married with two children and recently began an affair with a colleague who is also married with two children.

We have been working together for two years. For the first eighteen months we just enjoyed each others company and flirted a little bit. He was suggestive a few times but I always told him that as much as I found him attractive, I would never have sex with him because we were both married. However all of this changed a few weeks ago when we were alone in the office working on a project and he kissed me. I'm not sure how it happened but I do remember that it was one of the most passionate kisses I have ever experienced in my life and that I couldn't get him out of my head afterwards. Since then we have been intimate on one occasion (which has been amazing as far as I am concerned!) but we did not have full sex because we were in my car (shocking I know) and he had trouble maintaining his erection. I tried not to make an issue out of it but last week I felt I had to ask him what the problem was (because he didn't get very hard) and he told me that it wasn't me and that he tried to have an affair once before and couldn't get it up with her either. He had tears in his eyes when he told me and seemed really embarrassed and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He says he thinks the problem is probably down to guilt but from what he's told me about his relationship with his wife, I'm not so sure he has sex with her either! He also said that he wants the affair to end between us (short lived I know but we have been sexting and flirting for a long time) because he feels guilty and can't handle it, but I can't help but think the real reason he wants it to end is because he is afraid the same thing might happen again. I know you will say that we both deserve this as we are both married and that we shouldn't be having an affair on the first place, and I am not about to argue with you, but I can't help but feel sad that our short-lived affair has ended this way and that it has left him feeling quite obviously distressed. I am in the process of getting divorced by the way (because my husband has been unfaithful to me) and although I don't know much about my colleagues circumstances, I have reason to believe he is not happy either.

My other concern is that he couldn't get hard because of me - I know he says he couldn't get a full erection because of guilt (and we were in a car) but I can't help but think it was my fault in some way. He told me that he really, really fancies me and that I shouldn't take it personally but I can't help wondering if I put him off in some way.

Sorry to ramble on but I really needed to get this off my chest.

Your comments would be much appreciated as I don't want the relationship to end and I can't decide what to do next.

OP posts:
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MetallicBeige · 22/02/2015 22:44

He's just not that into you.

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FarFromAnyRoad · 22/02/2015 22:50

You wouldn't appreciate my comments and that's for sure so all I'll say is get yourself into some counselling or CBT or something to make sure you don't do this again.

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Susannah4444 · 22/02/2015 22:51

Well I did wonder but he told me he wanted to kiss me when we were in the office on Friday so I don't think that is the case. He also told me that he found our encounter very exciting but couldn't get a full erection because he felt guilty and anxious. I know I should never have had the affair in the first place so I am fully expecting people to shoot me down in flames.

OP posts:
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SignoraStronza · 22/02/2015 22:51

So, you're getting divorced because your husband was unfaithful, but you're willing to put this man's wife and family through the same thing? Are you for real?

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handfulofcottonbuds · 22/02/2015 22:53

Get some self respect!

You feel sorry for him, what about his poor wife and children? Of course he doesn't have sex with his DW Hmm

He probably had tears in his eyes because he couldn't believe how sordid it was shagging in a car with someone who does nothing for his limp knob.

Finalise your divorce, concentrate on your DCs and how the divorce will impact on them and create some stability for them!

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Susannah4444 · 22/02/2015 22:54

Signora, I agree with what you are saying but I somehow justified it because I knew he had had an affair before. I know what I have done is unforgivable, and believe me, I feel terrible.

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Fiddlerontheroof · 22/02/2015 22:54

Affairs are shit, they wreck lives...do yourself a favour, get divorced, move on..meet someone who isn't married, have some respect for other women, and yourself

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maras2 · 22/02/2015 22:55

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SonnyJimBob · 22/02/2015 22:55

Warning - you probably won't get any good advice relating to your actual question due to the affair aspect.

That said, I don't think it is anything to do with you physically (or why else would he pursue you?). I think he has erectile dysfunction, it has probably happened many times before, and will certainly happen again.

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Christinayang1 · 22/02/2015 22:55

It's not a relationship, it's a shag in your car, the relationship in all of this is his marriage

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MrsWolowitz · 22/02/2015 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lj8893 · 22/02/2015 22:57

He just doesn't fancy you, get over yourself.

im being kind in saying that, what i want to say is alot worse.

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Fairylea · 22/02/2015 22:57

Ignoring all the morally incorrect things here, why on earth would you want to be with a man who is a serial cheater? This is at least the second time he's cheated on his wife. What a catch he sounds.

You need to sort yourself out. What you are doing is totally wrong. But you know that.

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wheresthebeach · 22/02/2015 22:57

He sounds a catch...tried to have an affair before but that didn't work either?

Yikes.

Stop. Now. Get yourself sorted and concentrate on your kids.

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CurlyWurlyCake · 22/02/2015 22:58

He sounds fucked up and in need of some help.

You deserve better than to be in the process of divorce and putting yourself in this situation.

How did you feel when you found your husband was cheating on you? You do know his wife most probably has no idea he is having limp semis with other women, don't you?

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WineListPlease · 22/02/2015 22:58

You are so screwed up that you can't even see how screwed up you are.

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MetallicBeige · 22/02/2015 22:59

Now what you need next op is a twist, perhaps he is also courting the office junior? Or the cleaner? Or he only gets it up if he is in a Nissan Micra and your Ford Fiesta does nothing for him? Hth.

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Mom2K · 22/02/2015 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idiotdh · 22/02/2015 23:03

I don't see why people have to be judgemental and nasty.
It sounds like erectile dysfunction ..we don't know why but sounds as if he already has a possible problem before you.
I don't think it's anything to do with you.

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iwashappy · 22/02/2015 23:03

I came on to your thread expecting a load of woe is me I've been having an affair and now it's over and I'm all upset nonsense

Your main distress seems to be that this man can't keep it up when you meet up!! Yet you are in the middle of a divorce and you have children who will be upset by the end of the relationship of their parents and you are more bothered by this man having erection difficulties!

You were presumably hurt when you found out your husband was unfaithful so why do you want to do this to someone else?

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handfulofcottonbuds · 22/02/2015 23:07

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Mom2K · 22/02/2015 23:08

Sorry I missed the part of your OP where you said you're getting divorced. However, it doesn't change the fact that you are messing around with a married man (with children of his own) who is experiencing guilt and has no intention of leaving his family.

You shouldn't be involved with him...and frankly can't even see why you'd want to be. As a pp pointed out - you've been cheated on by your ex and you know how that feels. Why on earth would you want to create that kind of emotional havoc for someone else (as well as her children) by being the OW?

Not good OP. Walk away, and if you're interested in doing the right thing, you should find a way to tell his wife, even if it's anonymous. She doesn't deserve this.

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Linguini · 22/02/2015 23:08

No one here can tell you whether it's your fault that he couldn't get it up.

We don't live in his head. Nor do you.

This whole thing sounds like a massive waste of time and energy, and the person left hurting the most is his poor wife and kids.

Get a life of your own

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BerylStreep · 22/02/2015 23:10

You sound self absorbed.

I abhor people who have affairs.

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dangerrabbit · 22/02/2015 23:13

Sounds like OM has erectile dysfunction.

Wonder why you're so focused on this affair when your marriage is ending? Are you perhaps looking for a distraction from the pain you feel from your marriage ending?

Put this man out of your head and focus on sorting yourself out.

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