I've worried about posting this just in case but I don't really know what to do anymore, so here goes. Not NC'd as I know there's been some disingenuous threads recently. Please bear with me apologies for length.
A very good friend of mine met her fiancé 13 years ago. We are part of a friendship group of over 15 years. None of her friends met him until they'd been together for around a year. In all honesty many of us were not very keen on him, as when he did finally agree to meet us, he got extremely drunk and said some not very nice things to her (he said she was stupid/a bimbo. Nothing could be further from the truth as she is a very well educated professional).
We noticed our friend stopped coming out with us. At first we accepted she was loved up etc with her partner, but over time it became clear he was telling her when she could/couldn't go out. He had also suggested she changed her appearance. She is striking and taller than him. He suggested she cut and dye her hair, only wear flat shoes, nothing fitted etc.
Another very close friend and I spoke to her as gently as possible about our concerns. She was very defensive and said she was "well aware" but that she made allowances because he had had a very difficult upbringing and had also had access to his children (from a previous relationship) denied.
After 11 years he allowed her to move into his house. She began to pay the mortgage and for most of the bills. He will not entertain adding her name to the mortgage. After she moved in he stopped going to work, she told us he was too depressed to work, but would not see his GP as he didn't trust doctors.
He has lived entirely on her salary for 2 years. He has final say on everything she does. She openly admits he calls her names, drinks heavily and has been violent. She absolutely insists she loves him and will not leave him. She has explicitly said she is happy to call time on any friendship if anyone continues to criticise him. They got engaged in summer. We have no idea what to do. The rest of us are all married and have kids, she has wanted to get married and have a family for a long time, we're all mid/late 30s and I know her age troubles Her. I got her a congratulations card but it is utterly awful trying to pretend to be happy about this.
Question is how do we/I support her? She says she wants us to be happy for her, I just can't see how.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Friend engaged to EA partner.
Playthegameout · 02/12/2014 19:58
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.