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DH objects to me lending a car to a male friend

(80 Posts)
WotchOotErAPolis Thu 27-Nov-14 15:08:32

DH & I have a close male friend [lets use the acronym MF] who spends quite a bit of time with us, both together and separately. We are both very fond of him, he's a very nice single [Christian - though I'm not sure why that should matter] guy. He has done us lots of favours over the last few years whilst my DH has been oow, including helping with car breakdowns, giving us discounts on music lessons, fixing bikes and training my YS as a sprinter [quite successfully]. We've known him for 3 years and whilst I used to find him attractive, the relationship is and always has been platonic. Now, whilst I still like him of course, we are more like brother and sister.

He's the kids' [3 sons aged 17,15,12] music teacher and is now as much of a mentor and male role model for them as anything else. I find him very easy to talk to and he seems quite tuned in to female psyche as well as being a bit of a lad when he's out with DH. He often stays for a cuppa and a chat - again with all of us as a family, as well as with DH or me on our own.

Last night, DH was away overnight on business, and MF came over for his regular music lesson with the boys. His car has been on its last legs for weeks now and was making the most awful [and ££ sounding] noise when he arrived. He wasn't even sure he'd get it home. I offered him the loan of one of our two cars [DH went away by train, and I usually cycle into work locally so I don't use my car anyway during the week]. I phoned DH to tell him what I'd done and this did not go down well with DH who felt I'd done MF too many favours recently [he is down to his last penny cent so I hosted the last music workshop he ran - the fact that the only attendees this time round all live within 100 yards of each other and are friends of mine anyway meant that logically it made sense just to host it at mine rather than hire a venue].

Why is it that having done what I thought was actually quite logical, DH has kicked off about not doing him any favours [overlooking the many favours MF has done for us over the years] as he might take advantage and hang on to the car longer than he needs to, or hold his next music event at our house, etc etc. We weren't using the cars anyway!

I think DH thinks I'm having an affair with MF and just doesn't trust me at all. I have given him no cause to suspect I would have an affair as I behave the same with MF when DH is around as I do when I am on my own with MF.

My relationship with MF is closer than some I guess, [I am not a great socialiser and have a very short list of friends] but is the same as e.g. my closest girlfriend, but I wouldn't share intimacies with MF, where I would with my GF. Last night we were chatting about different types of cheeses, FFS and whether or not kids should tuck their shirts in at school!

How do I get DH off my back and reassure him that I'm not up to anything, but just lending him a car for a day or two. He has commitments he must stick to or he will lose even more ££.

Is the fact that he's a bloke the 'elephant in the room' and has anyone else got a close MF that their DH doesn't take issue with?

Floralnomad Thu 27-Nov-14 15:14:26

I would be beyond furious if my DH loaned our cars out to friends ( male or female ) without at least checking with me first .

LadyLuck10 Thu 27-Nov-14 15:16:14

I would not be pleased at all if my DH did this without at least checking with me first, regardless of you using it or not.
It's rude to your oh.
Would you be happy if he invited someone to stay over a few nights without checking just because you have the space?

AuntieStella Thu 27-Nov-14 15:18:03

Is your DH is not usually the jealous type, then something is rattling him about this friendship specifically. It might be worth finding out what it is and putting it straight.

If he is often irrationally jealous, then you have deeper problems.

(FWIW, I think lending a car is a biggie, and should have been discussed first).

Mammanat222 Thu 27-Nov-14 15:21:35

Could DH just be annoyed about the car?

As others have said it does seem to be a big deal that you offered the car without asking? (we don't even have the one car so I can't comment how I'd feel in the situation)

What makes you think DH suspects and affair?

dadwood Thu 27-Nov-14 15:21:58

I think lending a car to someone is a very big thing. It involves putting an expensive and dangerous object into their hands and having the risk of insurance / repair claims/ tickets or similar. I once lent a car to my sister and it came back with 2 deeply grooved doors and a damaged sill and a "well I hoovered it out for you!"
I would be put out of my DW lent her car to anyone without informing me adn asking my opinion, although it is her car, it's a family resource.

I think maybe you and DH have different boundaries for sharing with friends and maybe you need to discuss.

kelda Thu 27-Nov-14 15:26:47

Assuming the car is owned by both of you, then obviously you needed to ask your dh first. I can't believe you didn't. I would be furious if my dh did this, especially with someone you 'used' to find attractivehmm

Redtartanshoes Thu 27-Nov-14 15:27:12

From reading your post it sounds like you have feelings beyond those of friendship for MF. The amount of protesting you did speaks volumes.

That aside, yes you probably should have discussed with your dh first. I hope you are insured fully with MF as named driver also

WotchOotErAPolis Thu 27-Nov-14 16:09:12

I offered the car to MF, then asked DH if it was OK and then went back to confirm with MF, so I did ask before MF drove off? Maybe I should have asked DH first, then offered the car...

dadwood Thu 27-Nov-14 16:23:08

Is MF the only person you would lend a car to?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 27-Nov-14 16:25:57

Write a list of all the favours he has done for you over the years.
As many as you can think of.
And the money he has saved you on music lessons.
Then when he comes him you have something to show why you thought this was a nice thing to do.

ArtVandelay Thu 27-Nov-14 16:56:46

I would go bezerk if DH lent someone a car! Nothing to do with imagined affairs - cars are expensive and potentially dangerous. What if he gets clocked speeding or pumps petrol and drives off without paying?! But you do sound like you have a crush on him, imo.

WotchOotErAPolis Thu 27-Nov-14 17:05:19

dadwood - no. I lent my car to a female friend a year or two ago so she could get to a job interview when her car packed up.

The insurance thing I hadn't thought through - if you're fully comp you can drive any car can't you? So given that MF is fully comp, that side of things is OK isn't it? or am I wrong about that too?

redtartanshoes - I'm not the one protesting! Just trying to set the context?

auntiestella - yes, sadly, DH and I do have deeper issues as he resents me going into town for a coffee with my best mate - who's female - and cross-examines me after girls' nights out.

I can be incredibly naive [you'd have thought I'd have learned by now - I was 51 yesterday!]. I believed I was doing a favour [we have 2 cars in the drive doing nothing and MFs car was about to commit hari-kiri] to help a friend but it all seems to have backfired.

I won't be doing anyone any favours in future.

newstart15 Thu 27-Nov-14 17:12:30

I would not be happy lending a car to someone so I can see your DH's POV. I think you might just have to accept that you have different feelings over this matter and respect his views.

Also just be a bit cautious that you are giving too much to this relationship, your DH might have a valid point.

magoria Thu 27-Nov-14 17:56:26

I always understood if you were fully comp you could drive other card 3rd party. So anyone he hit would be covered but not your car to replace.

I don't know what I would do as I only have a old banger on its last legs and need it everyday.

I would worry about damage etc.

dadwood Thu 27-Nov-14 17:59:47

WotchOotErAPolis - Doing someone a favour is a lovely thing to do!

What a nice person you are!

I hope you continue doing favours and helping people out, it's really good for you as well as them. It makes life worth living! Just make sure that you aren't giving more than you can afford or afford to risk, and know your internal reasons for doing favours.

I think you have to check your specific insurance about whether you are allowed to drive another's car 3rd party or whether somebody can drive yours 3rd party. It varies I think, even for fully comp.

MaliceInWonderland78 Thu 27-Nov-14 18:00:04

Perhaps your husband just feels bad about being away. If you've got time alone you can tend to over-think things. I know I do this.

I'm not sure I quite agree with the others about the car. I've lent one of our cars out to friends before and certainly didn't feel the need to check with my wife (technically it was her car). Similarly though, I wouldn't particularly care if she lent a car (we weren't using) to one of her firends.

I admit to little pangs of jealousy when my wife goes out (she was away last weekend). I don't stop her, or question her about it - other than a "what's the gossip" question when she gets back. Its because (I tell myself) I still find her incredibly attractive (she's 34) and I'm worried that someone else will too! She at least admits to feeling the same when I go out; which for both os us isn't that often to be honest-due to the fact that we've three kids!!!

scarletforya Thu 27-Nov-14 18:00:37

I'd have been annoyed too.

Joysmum Thu 27-Nov-14 18:05:49

Wouldn't bother me or DH as we'd trust each other's judgement.

I'd be wary of lending his out as it's worth a bit, mines a heap and not so much of an inconvenience to replace if needs be.

We'd be in shit if somebody driving on only 3rd party crashed his as they'd not be able to afford to repair/replace it too easily.

That's all a bit of a red herring though. You've said yourself you've found OM attractive, DH had probably picked up on this.

It's up to you to talk it through and reassure rather than be annoyed. I'd hate to think of my DH feeling insecure.

InfinitySeven Thu 27-Nov-14 18:08:55

It depends on the specific insurance. Some big companies don't insure you to drive other cars, some do. He should have checked that. If he is covered, it's likely to be as Magoria says, and any damage he did to 3rd party would be covered, but your car would not be.

I would lend my car, provided that insurance was in place that would cover it, because I wouldn't be able to afford to fix it if it got totalled. And only after asking DP - the way you did it made asking DH irrelevant, you'd already told MF, he couldn't say he'd rather that you didn't lend the car without MF knowing that he'd vetoed it.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Thu 27-Nov-14 18:16:38

Well I'd be pretty naffed off if my DH considered another woman who is a close female friend, as a 'mentor and female role model' for my child - and that's before you add in him fancying her, doing all these favours and loaning the car out.

swingofthings Thu 27-Nov-14 18:28:18

Is it your car or your husband's car he is driving? My OH wouldn't car if I landed mine as I can do what I want with it, but wouldn't be impressed at all if I'd said to a friend in common that he could use his. The fact that you'd said that would be ok and then contacted your husband put him in an awkward position as if he'd said no then, he would have come up as the mean one.

Your post does read as if you are very fond of this man and I can understand that your husband would be uncomfortable with the situation. Maybe without realising you are spending more time with him, doing more things for him, talking more about him and he is starting to question whether the friendship line is about to be crossed. It won't help if he is regularly away.

I think if you love your husband, it would do no harm to make it clear to him that you would never cheat on him as you adore him and to ease off just a little bit on contact with this man when you are on your own.

badbaldingballerina123 Thu 27-Nov-14 18:58:37

If another man was coming round here doing diy and fixing kids bikes my Dh would hit the roof. I agree with clean about the mentor / male role model aspect. That's just not right when they've got a dad. There's something really intrusive about that and I wouldn't allow someone to take that role with my dcs. It sounds like your friend is undermining your Dh and your encouraging it.

It's probably just me but I cringe when people describe male female friendships as being like siblings. I think it describes an intimacy that shouldn't be there.

coppertop Thu 27-Nov-14 19:31:17

I suppose from your dh's perspective you've already lent MF the house and now you're lending him the car.

Considering you've only known him for three years, MF seems to have a lot of involvement in your lives - music teacher, trainer, mentor, role model. You seem very concerned about MF's needs and irritated by your dh telling you what he thinks.

It might be time to scale it back a bit.

Iflyaway Thu 27-Nov-14 20:22:00

MF is crossing boundaries and so are you.

I would be hugely uncomfortable if this was going on in my relationship.

Who, s more important to you? MF or your DH?

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