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Please help me with what to say to DH

(102 Posts)
russellgrantschin Fri 21-Nov-14 15:49:02

This is along the lines of the porn ultimatum thread and I think the thread got me thinking about it, but now everything's gotten out of control. I have a similar boundary about something in my relationship where DH did it once and we broke up for a while and I was so upset that I thought I made it clear if he ever did it again then we would be over. (He didn't cheat on me, by the way.)

I mentioned the porn thread to him today and he was saying how he felt sorry for the OP's DH. I told him that I understood her position. That if she had made it clear and he had agreed and than transgressed that agreement out of respect for herself and her values, she should leave him.

I added "and the same with you and what we agreed when you did X." Well, DH hit the roof and accused me of threatening him. I said it is not a threat, just something I have been very clear on my feelings about and out if respect for myself I couldn't put up with it if you did it again.

He said "so you would leave me?" I said "yes. It's something I have very strong values over."

And he said "fine. I will not be threatened. I am going to do it right now and we'll see if you leave me shall we?"

I said "do what you want. I have made my position clear."

He then accused me of being controlling and superficial to throw our relationship away over something so small that he didn't even enjoy doing (he maintains that he doesn't enjoy it) That I would throw away a marriage and a DC over a scenario where right now he went and did what I didn't like would be the most pathetic thing ever.

We have left it with him saying he is going to do it, to test me. He has walked out of the house, presumably to do it.

I am in shock as we were laughing and joking about 3 mins before this came up. He is a great DH but seems very upset by what he perceives as this "threat."

What should I do or say now?

GoatsDoRoam Fri 21-Nov-14 15:50:45

We have left it with him saying he is going to do it, to test me. He has walked out of the house, presumably to do it.

Which one of you is threatening the other? hmm

russellgrantschin Fri 21-Nov-14 15:52:02

Just to add so I am giving both sides, I was very hung up on and angry about this thing for a long time. I probably brought it up more than I should have and punished him for it for longer than I should have ( having said I was going to let it go.) I know he is worn down by my going on about it and I can't seem to leave it alone.

GoatsDoRoam Fri 21-Nov-14 15:53:33

If you can't leave it alone, it sounds like it really doesn't sit right with you to remain with a man who did it in the first place.

And that's ok. You don't have to accept things that you personally find unacceptable.

PeppermintPasty Fri 21-Nov-14 15:55:17

If you want us to help you with what to say to him, I think we need some context. Can you say what the issue is?

BlueGreenHazelGreen Fri 21-Nov-14 15:56:43

I would suggest that if anyone is pathetic it's not you.

He's angry you cast his previous wrong doing in his face probably mixed up with some shame/embarrassment? Depending on what it was he did that you didn't like.

I can't tell you what to do as I don't know you or what the background is but think very carefully before you make any decisions.

An ultimatum only works if you are actually prepared to carry it through.

However, also remember that he is responsible for his own choices and actions, and any attendant consequences.

Vivacia Fri 21-Nov-14 15:57:12

I can understand him feeling hurt, and even angry, that you brought it up yet again. However, his response is not reasonable. It sounds as though he's trying to push you to end the marriage.

TheHermitCrab Fri 21-Nov-14 15:57:38

DH did it once and we broke up for a while and I was so upset that I thought I made it clear if he ever did it again then we would be over

It obviously wasn't that clear, because here he is, getting upset over it as if it is something new.

Very immature and aggressive behaviour. Stick to your guns, don't let him mess with your head.

Mammanat222 Fri 21-Nov-14 15:58:11

It's hard without knowing what you are talking about?

Context is everything afterall.

Flimflammer Fri 21-Nov-14 15:58:53

I think we need to know what the thing is tbh. Otherwise its hard to know if its a reasonable request to get him not to do it,much against his will poor poppet.

TheHermitCrab Fri 21-Nov-14 15:59:03

Although he may think you are being sneaky and underhanded by showing him that thread. Maybe he thinks you've found out about something he's hidden so is covering it up with total offence to you even bringing the subject up.

It's vague, so god knows what's going through his head.

GoatsDoRoam Fri 21-Nov-14 15:59:37

I don't think that whatever it is matters.

What matters is whether you know (as you seem to say) that it is part of your values.

Nobody likes to feel they have a sword hanging over their necks. Your DH is being a prick in his reactions, but I think the real tension is that you cannot accept something that he has engaged in, and he sees no problem engaging in it in the future. It's a fundamental difference in values, and perhaps the mistake was staying with him after the first instance, when it is clear that even now it does not sit well with you.

Seriouslyffs Fri 21-Nov-14 15:59:38

I'm really sorry but you're going to have to say what it is.
DH and I have said in the past buying a Murdoch paper or Nestlé products would be a deal breaker but I'd think he had gone quite mad if he found a Kitkat wrapper and left me!
Other (unspoken) deal breakers would be violence and infidelity and the reaction would of course be entirely different.

Flimflammer Fri 21-Nov-14 15:59:48

If its something like visiting a lap dancing club you are absolutely in the right and he is an arse.

TheHermitCrab Fri 21-Nov-14 16:00:01

And yes, without being nosey without knowing what it is it's hard to suggest anything.

I.E was he gambling and did he go out to put a bet on, or was he taking drugs and he's gone out to smoke weed? I don't know!

russellgrantschin Fri 21-Nov-14 16:00:24

peppermintpasty why does it matter what the issue is? That's what everyone on the porn thread has been saying. If it's her personal conviction, she should not have to compromise whatever it is.

Also on MN, you get loads of people for whom certain things hit a nerve and they say LTB without question.

My problem is that DH doesn't actually want to do it, but is now going to do it to prove a point that he will not be threatened and that I would be stupid to throw away our (great) relationship over something like that. So he is ostensibly not being disrespectful of my boundary because he doesn't want to do it. But literally, he IS being disrespectful of my boundary because he has said he is going to do it!

Tealady1983 Fri 21-Nov-14 16:00:53

It's coming across as something maybe drug related and I wouldn't put up with that either x bin him if he has actually gone out to test you stick to yor word cos the guys an ass x

Seriouslyffs Fri 21-Nov-14 16:01:40

Is it smoking? That's the only thing I can think of which could be seen as 'no big deal' and life changing deal breaker.

nrv0us Fri 21-Nov-14 16:02:07

Might help to know more. Is he leaving his socks on the floor or murdering drifters?

That said, his reaction sounds pretty wild. The way you describe it, one minute you're joking around and then the next you're issuing ultimatums and threatening one another. To quote Anchorman, 'That escalated quickly.' Is this dynamic found in other areas of your relationship?

theHowlatWooooooCorner Fri 21-Nov-14 16:03:31

I wouldn't do or say anything for the time being. Wait to see how he is when he returns. If he's done it, then you have big decisions to make.
If he hasn't, then you have to find a suitable tine and place to talk calmly about why its so important to you and why he doesn't give it the same importance.

TheHermitCrab Fri 21-Nov-14 16:03:58

Might help to know more. Is he leaving his socks on the floor or murdering drifters?

PML!!

russellgrantschin I think it does matter when she is asking us what to say to him? We don't know if one of them is being completely unreasonable, and we can't really suggest what to say without knowing the subject matter.

PeppermintPasty Fri 21-Nov-14 16:04:04

Well russell, it's all about context, and your op does specifically ask for help with respect to what to say to him.

russellgrantschin Fri 21-Nov-14 16:04:27

Seeing as you all think it is very important what it is - it is a strip club.

He went once with mates for a stag do. I got upset.

He is now back in the house and still threatening to go and sit in the bar and have a drink "just to show me."

This is ridiculous. I realise we come across as a pair of teenagers.

Am I supposed to leave him if he does that?

isitsnowingyet Fri 21-Nov-14 16:05:06

confused If you say so.

How 'great'is the relationship where you are both goading each other and creating arguments out of thin air?

GoatsDoRoam Fri 21-Nov-14 16:06:01

He is the one being controlling, by the way: he is intentionally stamping all over your stated boundary, just to show that he can. Which will also allow him to discount anything you say in future.

He is of course free to do whatever it is (assuming it's legal). But he's not doing it because he wants to. He's doing it to teach you a lesson. And that is very ugly behaviour.

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