Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
My old flame(116 Posts)
Recently an old boyfriend got back in touch with me through Facebook. I'll go straight to the back story. He was my first sexual partner. I was 19 when we met. We were together for about two years. At the time he was a student and a heavy drinker. He was lovely when he was sober. He's a great talker and very charming. He often told me he loved me. He was really unreliable and eventually I saw sense and broke up with him. He tried to get back in touch with me a few times in the following year but I suppose he gave up eventually when I didn't respond.
I met my now DH the following year and we have been married for 16 years. We have 2 young children. DH is a lovely man and a great dad.
Our sex life has never been anything but mediocre and has diminished a lot in recent years. We might have sex once a week but sometimes not for weeks on end. I haven't had an orgasm through sex for years. It's partly because I'm on antidepressants (I had PND and then other things going on) which have effected my libido and partly because I don't really get turned on by DH anymore.
I think I still love him although I am finding him more and more irritating recently. We are generally happy enough and don't row much. My family thinks that we are the perfect couple. But there is just no oomph left between us. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with my irritating but loveable brother. But in our almost 20 years together, I have never even looked at another man.
So the old boyfriend got back in touch. We chatted on and off for a few weeks and caught up on one another's lives. He is divorced with 2 children. He lives in London. Our online chats got more and more frequent and we started flirting. He told me he regretted his behaviour at the time we were together and that 'I was the one that got away'. We also spoke on the phone and honestly some of our conversations made my stomach flip (in a good way!). We spoke about meeting up and also about sleeping together. We eventually arranged to meet up a couple of months ago but I chickened out and cancelled.
Last week I was visiting London for a few days and we arranged to meet up again. I ended up back at his flat and we slept together. I managed to see him twice more before I had to leave. It was lovely to see him again and my God, he's a fantastic kisser. I haven't had a snogging session like it since I first met DH.
We have said we will try to see other again but we live so far apart that realistically it won't be for months and months. There is absolutely no chance of it ever developing into something more. But I can't stop thinking about him. I think I could actually fall in love with him this time.
I know cheating is wrong and that my DH would be devastated if he found out. I also know that I'm putting our family at risk.
There is no way I would ever leave my husband. I'm not really happy but my life is very comfortable. I know I am being an absolute bitch. I didn't know I had it in me to be so deceitful. It's not a nice thing to realise about yourself.
I don't want to tell anyone IRL but I need to talk or I might blurt it out to someone. So come and talk to me. Tell me I'm a terrible person. Ask me questions. Don't be too horrible but talk to me.
I'll try not to be horrible, but what you are doing is wrong. And unfair to your DH. You made promises when you married and he has a right to expect you to keep them. If you can't, then you need to leave the marriage so he can find someone who will.
And if you are only staying for your 'comfortable life', then I'm sorry but you are being an absolute bitch. It's one thing to be in a marriage for a comfortable life if you live up to your promises, quite another to use a man for money while you're off shagging someone else.
Sorry, guess I couldn't keep my promise not to be horrible.
This is not going to work OP, unless you really are an absolute bitch and can easily lie to your husband and family almost every time you speak.
As Acrossthepond says, staying for a comfortable life while cheating is just using your DH for the life style you want, while lying to him.
How will you feel if your dh does find out and wants to divorce you? Perhaps your dh may think actually we hardly have sex and you don't "do it for him" anymore. Does he deserve someone special as well?
Your marriage needs a lot of work if you want yo stay, work on that or leave and allow your do to find happiness somewhere with someone else
First of all, stomach flips are just nerves . Nerves about whys you were about to do.
To me you sound like you are living in a dream works. You're putting your marriage at risk for some good sex. You'll risk everything for that ??? This could change the way your children see you forever. You 'll go from being their world to being someone who broke their dad's heart for a stupid shag. End this now before you, your husband and your children get your hearts broken over some romantic fantasy.
I think you should grow the fuck up and do the right thing.
Marriage isn't about tummy flips and the thrill because all that passes with time regardless of who you are with as your relationship grows.
I am sure if you put as much effort into your husband that you did for this guy you might actually find that flame again!
Have you thought about how your behaviour will effect your children when the shit hits the fan? Because it will come out at some point
You don't deserve your lovely sounding dh or his mean to provide for you x poor man x
BUut at the same time op dont stay with dh just for the children id dumpnyour old flame...he sounds like an arse. You saw sense the first time.
It won't be such fun when your whole family is blown apart, never to recover.
I'm sorry but I don't think your right to happiness and orgasms trumps your children's right to a secure life with parents who (either together, or apart), put their needs first. Nor does it trump your husband's right to honesty from you.
Lust (and possibly the desire to be the young person you were before PND) is clouding your judgement.
When the ex contacted you the right thing to do would have been to block him. If you passed him in the street with your husband you wouldn't have begun a conversation with him, or if you had you wouldn't have exchanged contact details. That is why Facebook is so dangerous. It's changed the rules of acceptability.
My ex dh left me for a girlfriend he had before me that he found through Facebook. It was the most painful thing I have ever been through in my life. I wondered had he ever really loved me. Our whole relationship seemed like a lie.
It took years for my self esteem to recover.
I'm not saying you shouldn't leave your marriage if you aren't happy. I myself have been married 3 times now. Life is too short to be miserable. But you shouldn't have an affair. It just hurts everyone and when you are this low yourself (as in feeling low - you have self esteem issues yourself it's clear from what you write) then all that is going to happen is a lot of disappointment as you realise maybe it was the fact your marriage was wrong rather than the other man being right that led you to him.
I'm wondering how many exes the old flame contacted post divorce before or after he contacted you. His primary aim would have been to have sex and it's easier to have a sexual relationship with someone you've already been intimate with. Also the wider you cast your net the more likely you are to catch something.
This is what you are risking everything for. He didn't contact you because you might end up falling in love and living happily ever after.
Just imagine you leave your phone or computer on your FB page, your DH will accidentally (or on purpose) look things up there and sees your conversations with your ex-BF.
But it could be your child reading it.
I can guarantee you will cause a lot of pain not only to your closest family but also to your parents, siblings, their families, your friends and their families too.
So sit back and count how many people will your affair affect - 10, 20, maybe even a hundred.
They will all judge you and you have to live with what you caused. So just think of your depression and multiply it. That's the pain you will suffer - but your kids will feel that and more - betrayal, lost confidence, hate towards you and themselves, feeling of causing it all. Questioning why you had them...
That's where you stop having any control over what's going to happen.
Act now - when you have control over it as it is only you who can do it.
Delete all conversations, if it needs be - delete your FB account, change phone number, email addresses.
Get some help for your depression and work on it.
The sooner the better!
Just also wanted to say that my exes mum has never forgiven him. She was insanely angry that he went back to his ex and treated me and dd like that. She will not have him or the ow in her house and has told him openly he does not deserve to ever have (more) children. Families feel incredibly strongly about these things - and this is HIS mother, not mine.
I knew our relationship wasn't right for some time before hand - no sex, holidays apart as he didn't like to do what I did etc but that to me was part of a long marriage settling down. Many other marriages are like that and people are happy. I genuinely never thought he was that unhappy he'd leave me for an ex.
One of the worst things he said to me was "it's like living with a nice family, but not my family".
(Ie the old chestnut he loved me but wasn't in love with me).
He also told me that he missed "being in love". Well fucking hell doesn't everyone after being in a long term marriage? It's naive to think it will stay the same. All experts think the initial rush of lust only lasts a max of 2 years in any relationship.
Anyway I'm just venting. But I wanted you to see how your dh may feel.
Some good advice there OP.
There is a boy in my class who's father has left after being found out by the husband of his 'fling'. This 10 yr old boy cries every day at school.
He doesn't cry at home apparently because his mother is already too upset.
I've seen this kind of thing many times; it's not a one-off.
Folk who say children are resilient are generally trying to justify their own selfishness.
There is no way I would ever leave my husband. I'm not really happy but my life is very comfortable.
You may not have a choice. If he finds out and there's many ways he could, he may well leave you. You could end up with shared custody of your children and some other woman raising them for 50% of the time. Is it really worth that?
It's a typical fairytale of the one that got away.
Its just such an extremely bad idea! Its going to get messy, really very messy. Not so exciting when you've got to look your kids in the eye and tell them why mum and dad won't be living together. Why they'll have to split their time between you both. Why dad is so cross and upset with mum. I could go on but you get the idea.
Take what you've learned about yourself and your marriage and use it for the benefit of you and your family.
I wonder how many other old girlfriends he's tried out recently? He's not sounding very stable. Be careful he doesn't tell you dh for you! It only takes one drunken night and an email. He's got nothing to lose op. You have everything to lose!
OMG you utter idiot. Take the advice up thread and delete everything. Work out if you want to stay with DH,let alone live with your guilty conscience, but for gods sake don't let any of your family stumble on this it will be devastating.
I'm cringing for you that you were so gullible you don't even imagine he's not been through his entire back catalogue. Were you at least smart enough to use condoms or was it all just like the good old days?
You're living a fantasy. Good kisser, butterflies, flattery when life at home gets you down, but what is he like when it matters? When your dh finds out and throws you out, would he be there to take you in? Or would you find yourself alone, with no dh, no om, and wondering what the hell you were thinking...
I'm not going to judge you for having slept with your ex, affairs happen in lots of circumstances. But that doesn't mean an affair is ever justified, in fact an affair is just a short term escape which will make the long term issues worse.
Well the damage is done. If you thought your marriage was in bad shape before??? watch now as your marriage implodes. Your husband will think it's all his fault as you blame him for standing between you and your first love.
I remember reading someone previously on mumsnet who averred it's the people who think they would never have an affair who are most vulnerable to one as they don't put up the necessary checks and barriers to one occurring.
I feel sorry for your husband and your kids. You've just started then on a long sad destructive journey.
What did you actually want from starting this thread?
Thanks for reading and replying. I have to be somewhere with the children this morning, so I don't have time to do a proper reply but I'll be back later.
"There is no way I would ever leave my husband"
You say you've got problems in your 16 year marriage. Is that true? For if it is, then you are better off taking a gphard look at your dpfuture and whether you have indeed outgrown your marriage. And really think about it, don't gloss over because of a glib phrase 'I'll never leave'
Ono you can decide if it's worth leaving your marriage for a shag (which is what you seem to be hankering for right now), whether you should leave because the marriage is outgrown, or whether you have the character to really believe in your marriage and husband, and put making it right truly in first place.
There is no way you would leave your husband - poor bloke, surely he deserves better than you.
I doubt you will hear from your ex again, he got what he wanted didn't he.
I can't believe you came here and expect us to ask questions - what do you want us to do, pick over the whole sorry tale and congratulate you on it. Your poor husband and kids.
Yes, you are an absolute bitch and a terrible person. You really want anyone to disagree with you? Are we supposed to be your wake-up call? Why did you bother posting?
I think it's a bit rich asking us not to be too horrible because nothing we could say will be as remotely horrible as how you have treated not only your husband but your children, because if this comes out, they are going to be as devastated as your husband.
Hope your DH finds out, kicks your sorry arse out and initiates divorce proceedings.
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Join the discussion
Please login first.