Ok. Hard to know where to start....
History - previous abusive relationship, 11 year old son who lives with me and sees ex regularly
Current partner - 6 year relationship, ups and downs, arguments with mostly happy periods inbetween
Issue - rowed with my partner at weekend over division of chores. I am 6 months pregnant and suffering health problems with it. Partner only works 3 hours a day and resentment built up, him saying and feeling he does the chores and I should do more, me feeling actually he does very little and I need him to help by taking more on. I work part time but currently am signed off due to illness.
Arguing was awful, lots of blaming and no resolving (son was with his dad so didn't witness it) and partner said he was leaving me and walked out. I was so upset by the arguing that when he hadn't returned that night and my son was back, I went to bed and locked the doors, leaving the keys in the locks as I didn't want him coming back unpredictably in the night.
At 1am I was woken by him on the flat roof, letting himself in through my bedroom window, a scary event as I could hear noise of someone reaching through and opening the inside window but didn't at that point know it was him. He called me a "fucking stupid idiot" (for locking him out) and went downstairs.
I went down and asked what on earth he thought he was doing. He was swaying and red eyed and said something, which although not a threat, made me think he was mentally unbalanced. This was sufficient enough to scare me and I called the police, who removed him. They said he had a right to be in the house as it's his home and couldn't take his keys as technically he lives here. NB the house is solely owned by me and he only moved in a few months ago.
He came back the next day but I was so upset I couldn't sleep that night and tried to talk to him about how his behaviour had been unacceptable, but he was adamant that coming in through the window when locked out is acceptable and I had no reason to call the police.
His presence upset me so much that I asked him to leave the following day to give me space. He had been fine with my son and they were enjoying each other's company as usual, but I couldn't think straight and attempts to discuss the issue turned into blaming arguments again. He initially refused to leave and I asked my brother to back me up as it was making me feel ill having him here. He did leave eventually.
He has phoned me since, saying he is living rough as doesn't want to impose on friends or family and lost his job as a consequence. Homeless charity have said he has no housing priority, so will receive no help. He hasn't enough money to rent anywhere and wants to come back home.
My head is a mess. When I talk to him on the phone he seems reasonable and I want to believe we can sort things out. He also says he wants to come home. When I talk to friends I see their perspective that he can be controlling and could do a lot more to support me. I feel awful that he is homeless and don't know how he can get back on his feet with no address or income. But, I don't want to take him back and keep going round this spiral where everything's ok for a few weeks or months then an issue comes up and we are rowing again.
I find myself questioning - yes, he swore and was drunk (a rare event) and I was genuinely scared he was mentally unbalanced at the time, but, he didn't threaten or hurt me, so am I blowing this event out of proportion? In all likelihood, if I hadn't have confronted him as he came in he would have slept it off without incident.
I am so confused about whether to take him back and try again, but then risk having to go through this again. Or, to refuse, leaving him homeless, jobless, and losing the good parts of our relationship, leaving myself with an impending birth and no partner or father of my child, as I know I will struggle to manage on my own. Ultimately I want to believe we can make it work, but I just don't know if it's possible.
My other worries are - when the police came out they asked for details of my child and his father. Will they inform my ex there has been an incident? My ex was/is definitely abusive and has tried unsuccessfully to have my son removed from my care, so would try and say my son is at risk. Will Social Services automatically be informed? How do I stand on this? Will it just be considered a minor domestic disagreement as there was no threat or actual violence? I don't want to take my partner back and find I have put myself at risk of losing my eldest child.
So many issues and I don't know where to begin or how to move forward. Sorry for length of post!
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Relationships
domestic abuse? custody issues? blown out of propoprtion? Muddled!
55 replies
MavisDavis99 · 27/06/2014 00:24
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hodgehegs ·
27/06/2014 08:33
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hodgehegs ·
27/06/2014 08:39
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