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STBXH wants to visit the children in the early mornings?

(136 Posts)
BelleBoyd Mon 23-Jun-14 04:38:46

My H and I are separating. My decision-he's against it and unwilling to go. He says he won't go till we've made all the access decisions.
He is looking for a room in a flatshare or he's been offered a room at his aunts. He won't rent a flat as he says he doesn't have the money. He hasn't an interest in having the children overnight-he's never done nights as in feeding DS or getting up with DD if she wakes or is unwell. He also finds it hard to get up early.
Anyway I am happy for him to see the children- 4 month old DS and 4 year old DD as much as he likes on the weekend to go swimming/park etc. But he wants to come to the house in some of the early weekday mornings to see them both sometime between 5-8am and also to do bedtime. He arrives home usually at bedtime-7.30pm and it always excites DD and I find it harder to get her to bed. If he's late and I get her to bed before he's back it's much smoother plus DS is usually asleep by 7pm.
Seeing the children at these times would be really disruptive to their routine and I think not in their best interests. I do want him to have as much access to them as he likes but not that doesn't benefit them. I'm also worried they would be confused if his visits are in my home apart from the fact it would be difficult for me also.
I've suggested him taking DD to school but he says he can't. Or coming home early to take them out after school but he also says he can't.
He wants me to "prove" that seeing them here and at those times isn't appropriate..he is very controlling.

Butterflyspring Fri 27-Jun-14 09:44:28

Bloody hell - I think they are totally wrong. Nobody would condone access in your home - especially when his behaviour is so abusive. You going to contact Women's Aid and see a solicitor now?

Lucked Fri 27-Jun-14 09:48:51

She may be fine with it from the children's safety point of view but she isn't taking into consideration your health and needs. Remember she did say if it's what you want, implies to me she is also okay with you telling him he can't have access to your home.

Where is he going when he goes?

SolidGoldBrass Fri 27-Jun-14 11:21:04

I think what the social worker is telling you is that your child is not necessarily at risk but that you do not have to comply with this man, either.
You need to stop caring what he thinks. He is your enemy. He is ludicrous as well as unpleasant. He has no power over you.

Honestly, please believe he has no power unless you give him any. You own the house. You don't need his permission or his co-operation to divorce him and keep him at a safe and comfortable distance. Get that occupation order and have him removed. Set suitable conditions for access that benefit the children and you.
He is the least important person in the family. Start treating him that way.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Fri 27-Jun-14 11:34:29

Odd information from the SW. When I spoke to SS, she said that in an abusive situation, it's more appropriate to have the contact either in a public place or at a contact centre. That's what they (and the police domestic abuse person) have suggested to me.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 27-Jun-14 14:06:16

I don't think the SW means that you must go along with him. I think she just means that you shouldn't argue in front of children, which is correct. It could mean that you must just say 'We aren't discussing this now' when he starts in.

Again, you need to say whatever it takes to get him the hell gone! Tell him you'll paint purple polka-dots on your bum if it gets him to leave. You can do whatever you like after he's gone.

I think this man has you 'bullied' into a corner and you're so used to 'not rocking the boat' that it doesn't occur to you just how much power you have.

Hell's bells, get a locksmith on standby & next time he leaves for a few hours get the locks changed.

BranchingOut Fri 27-Jun-14 14:24:20

I think a contact centre could be a good idea until he gets suitable accommodation lined up.

I think it would be very unwise to let him take DD to his mum. Please be careful. Or why not all go together - even if you don't particularly want to, it might be safest to do so.

The SW has answered the question from the point of view of 'will the child come to harm', not from a separation/divorce point of view.

BranchingOut Fri 27-Jun-14 14:24:50

Also, while taking him off the insurance might be a good idea - is there a risk that he might still try to drive the car anyway?

Itsfab Fri 27-Jun-14 17:18:02

shock at the SW advice.

Another SW said a teenager wasn't a danger to herself. That child is now dead. I would be very careful about assuming SW are some kind of oracle and know best about your child.

I wonder what is really going on as you seem to be unable to make your own decisions and are just doing what you are told. By him, by SW, etc etc.

Jux Fri 27-Jun-14 17:38:16

He's been bullying you a long time, hasn't he? You're used to placating him, and he expects to get his own way pretty well all the time. He thinks he can wear you down with his unreasonable demands so that you agree to everything and he will then use it against you later.

Please call WA and get yourself some real life support from professionals who understand exactly what's going on. It will change your life beyond recognition. This time next year you will read this thread in disbelief that you could put up with it as long as you have.

You need to gird your loins, square your shoulders and go into battle.

BelleBoyd Fri 27-Jun-14 18:22:40

That's a bit harsh- it was my decision to ask him to leave, I've ordered an injunction form if he doesn't on the agreed date.I'm doing what I can to get him out with as little disruption to my DD as I can. If that means just one more week I can handle that.
I hope I will be able to stand by what I want re access arrangements as well. I've stopped him using my car-he has no key of his own.
I am certainly not doing what he tells me and obviously I need to tow the line with SW.

Itsfab Fri 27-Jun-14 18:28:44

Then I apologise and wish you luck for a safe and happy future. You don't need to tow the line with SW. They are not the boss of you either and I am sure you wouldn't put your child at risk, just remember you can't trust your STBEH.

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