STBXH wants to visit the children in the early mornings?

[BelleBoyd]

My H and I are separating. My decision-he's against it and unwilling to go. He says he won't go till we've made all the access decisions.
He is looking for a room in a flatshare or he's been offered a room at his aunts. He won't rent a flat as he says he doesn't have the money. He hasn't an interest in having the children overnight-he's never done nights as in feeding DS or getting up with DD if she wakes or is unwell. He also finds it hard to get up early.
Anyway I am happy for him to see the children- 4 month old DS and 4 year old DD as much as he likes on the weekend to go swimming/park etc. But he wants to come to the house in some of the early weekday mornings to see them both sometime between 5-8am and also to do bedtime. He arrives home usually at bedtime-7.30pm and it always excites DD and I find it harder to get her to bed. If he's late and I get her to bed before he's back it's much smoother plus DS is usually asleep by 7pm.
Seeing the children at these times would be really disruptive to their routine and I think not in their best interests. I do want him to have as much access to them as he likes but not that doesn't benefit them. I'm also worried they would be confused if his visits are in my home apart from the fact it would be difficult for me also.
I've suggested him taking DD to school but he says he can't. Or coming home early to take them out after school but he also says he can't.
He wants me to "prove" that seeing them here and at those times isn't appropriate..he is very controlling.

I've just done the legal aid calculator and as I own my house I'm not eligible. There's no way I can afford one. I guess I could get my free half hour but I think it'll take more than that.
Another evening last night of being told how ill I am and am damaging the children..

Will you be undertaking mediation as part of the divorce?

I can't imagine a good mediator letting him get away with much of this.

That's just it-I can't afford a solicitor to start divorce proceedings. He will contest and it would be messy and expensive. I'm not working right now-have a 4 month old DS and when I was I had a low income.
I can't see what I can do without the money to pay for the solicitor.
I'm guessing he knows all that. I'm so worried I'll never persuade him to leave.

I suppose I was wondering out loud if you could DIY.

The divorce bit itself is quite straightforward to DIY, in fact, and not too expensive.

It is the financial settlement and arrangements for the DC part that is complex but you'd be expected to mediate anyway so I was musing on whether you could make a start without a solicitor.

Sorry. I really am just thinking out loud. The Legal Aid 'reforms' are ludicrous. Maybe it is worth looking up your local mediation service to see how they work what they offer etc? Maybe mediation is worth a bash, regardless of divorce proceedings?

He would contest a divorce from the start. Makes DIY difficult.
I'm thinking today of saying I will go along with any of his conditions if he will move out..what else can I do?
I can't live like this.

Do you have family who could help you out op? Either financially or practically?

You need to get him out of the house ASAP by the sound of it.

He sounds droney. He is going to wear you down.

Stressed Sending you a PM with some info.

It will get easier once he realises you are serious. It is a rare person who is still contesting a divorce a few years post-separation. You just need to get through this tough bit.

You're not kidding. It's really getting to me now. After a whole night of him insisting he had to see the children in the mornings to "help" because I can't cope apparently he is now going to work after having shower etc and not spending any time with the children. Whilst I'm up at 4 with the baby, made DDs breakfast and packed lunch, cleaned bedrooms and will now have to do the bathroom after him.
Sorry ranting.

Yes I just need to figure out how to get him to leave.

Don't most solicitors agree to take their payment out of your final settlement? Might mean having to sell the house and buy something much smaller to live in with DC, but I would imagine you would be happy to live in a cardboard box if you could be free of this tosser?

Rant away.

But yes - focus on the issue of him leaving. Don't try to solve the whole thing until that's done. You don't have the headspace, for one thing

Did you say you owned the house outright? No mortgage? because you could take out a loan using the house as surety, although of course you would need to be able to make the repayments on it.

You'll find a way - and I'd suggest you stop doing stuff for him in the meantime. No cooking for him, no cleaning for him, no washing etc. Make it very clear that he is not welcome, and that you do not want him there.

Can you get his stuff Moved to a storage locker, pay for one month, send him the key at his aunts and tell him that if he doesn't pick it up, the storage company will dispose of it. After giving him plenty of opportunity to come and pick it up. Thats not being bitchy - that's perfectly reasonable.

As for the contact, I think you should agree, to get him out, and then say you've been thinking and contact would be better away from the home. In the meatime, change locks on house and car. Just protect yourself.

If it's the Anna Freud centre, I would imagine they'd be very professional and reasonable and would support good decisions for the kids.

You do not need a solicitor to apply for divorce. You can actually call into the local county court and pick up the forms, fill them in and return them. There is a fee but you may be able to get that waived if you are on certain benefits or a low income. I don't know the rules but it has to be worth asking.

As for a contested divorce, years ago I worked in the county court and I worked there for over a decade. I never, ever saw a successfully contested divorce. If your stbx takes legal advice then a solicitor will tell him it will cost him a fortune and will be unsuccessful. If someone doesn't want to be married then nothing can keep them there. If your stbx does contest it, he will have to pay all the legal fees and court fees. Always, always, always ask for him to pay your costs at any hearing.

I suggest that you go over to the legal board on here and check about grounds. You will certainly need to get advice for the financials but for the first bits you can scrape by. The only thing you may like to get checked by someone is the grounds for divorce. If he is determined to spend a fortune contesting the divorce then they are going to be the target.

Another route you may like to take is to go for a legal separation. I don't know much on that, but if you can prove you have been separated for five years then your stbx will have no grounds at all to contest a divorce.

I hope that is helpful. What I also suggest is that you keep repeating to yourself, 'it doesn't matter what he thinks, it doesn't matter what he thinks, it doesn't matter what he thinks..' because it doesn't. tbh you could change the locks, refuse to admit him without a court order and refuse to allow access without a court order. Whether you feel strong enough to do that is another matter. Good luck.

If the house is I'm your name, could you just change the locks op?

Sister77 there are some funny rules about occupancy when people are married. The police don't always understand the rules either. What Stressed could do is change the locks, call the police at any attempt to kick off and if he calls the police insist that it is a civil matter and he will need a court order before she lets him in.

The hardest bit about that is thinking that it is possible. When you are at the sharp end like Stressed it is a lot easier said than done. To you and me Stressed's stbx could say what he liked and we could just laugh. Stressed has been under the abuse and it is a lot harder for her.

Stressed I would not do a telephone conference with anyone your stbx set up. Promise him you will consider it after he moves out, then forget about it. Good luck.

Tell him to go fuck himself

Thanks lisamed, it's tough there seems to be so much ambiguity around these issues!

Sister77 the rules are really tough to work out. If you are married to someone, even if you are not on the deeds, you have certain rights to the marital home. It's protected a lot of vulnerable women but it's working against Stressed here.

Stressed if you have been married for a short time and get the divorce in quick you have a chance you will keep the house. If the marriage drags on your stbx will have a greater chance of making a claim on the house. He may be hanging on for that.

the link for a legal separation on the government website is here. Remember if you have been separated for five years then stbx will have no grounds to contest divorce.

Another point, you can start the separation now - no cooking, washing, cleaning etc for stbx. You are living separate lives under the same roof. Keep a record in a safe place. Take care. He is going to be vile for the short term, but the long term goal is worth it for your children.

That's an interesting thought-to start divorce proceedings and hope he can't contest. Hesitant about that with no legal representation and I'd have to do that with him living here.. He may well be able to borrow money to contest I don't know.
I can easily sight unreasonable behaviour.
I'm not ready to change locks etc yet. He would go into overdrive with the bullying, harassment etc and I've got so much on my plate protecting the DCs from this crazy situation as is.
I'm going to email him today and agree to all his terms if and when he moves out. Then I'll change the locks and go from there..

Stressed I'd make sure the date of separation is really well documented. You can be legally separated for eg benefits and under the same roof but you have to be incredibly clear about it. Tough to do under the same roof as an idiot like stbx.

Sending hugs, good wishes and I suggest that you keep posting for those more knowledgeable and as a record. Good luck!

Right I've had some legal advice that I can apply for an occupation order. And also that access arrangements are to be proposed by me with him having to go to court if he won't agree.
I'm going to tell him that's what I can do and see if he backs down.

Excellent! Good luck - hope he backs down (not sure he will though :( )