Ex partner wants £25K, sort of

[littlegreenlight1]

Ok I dont have long before I need to go but I need to ask someone wtf I should do or say.

Basically, my ex (NOT my DC's father) came into some money a few years ago. 45k's worth and he insisted (he lived with us) that he wanted to pay that off my (our) house and make life so much easier as we would be mortgage free by the time we were 40 etc.
I was apprehensive at the time and asked him to sign a sort of pre nup - well we werent married but that kind of thing, my financial adviser strongly advised him to do so too as IF we were to split up he would have no claim on that at all.
Well.... the inevitable happened, he was a massive drinker and his problem escalated to a point I couldnt have him near me any more. He was destroying me and himself of course and I knew the only way to save him was to leave him - of course it was more complicated than that but together, we were a disaster (not always and not when we moved in together).
We split a year ago, he said he'd never take the money away from me as it was for the children he had been with for so many years (they are now 16, 14 and 8, he had been around for what would have been 6 years now). I KNEW one day, he would want that or at least some money and today was that day.
He wants £10K by september, then he wants me to take anotehr £15K (from my arse?!?!) and put £5k away each for the children to have when they are 25.
I have looked in to doing this months ago as I suspected this would happen and I can not afford to do so. Ive also recently taken on a lower paid job.
To give him what he wants, would almost double my mortgage payments, which is what I earn in a month.

I dont know what to do. Of course I want to give him his money, Im not a nasty person, but by god I remember at the time, sitting at this very bloody table calling him an idiot. He said it didnt matter, because if we ever split, he would still want me to have it. Argh, his voice in my head - I knew this day would come as soon as we split.

I dont even know what Im asking. Please dont think I am a money grabber, if I had it or could access it I would, but I looked in to taking just 15K last year and like I say, it doubled my mortgage payments as my mortgage is low now. If he had signed something at the time apparently they could have just set me back to how I was before he put the money in.

Its such a mess. Im mad with him for not listening to me, Im mad with him for lying to me, of course I knew hed want it back but he insisted etc...

My lift is here, I have to go - I guess its a "what would you do?" kind of q.............

[Mygoldfishrocks]

Hmm.

I'm not sure what I would do so am trying to envisage it. There is no paperwork relating to this money? Where is the proof he put it into your house and it was a loan? Did he give it you without condition ? Did he loan it to you?

Anyway. The above is kind of irrelevant right now because you are not in a position to give him any money. The cash he put into your house .... How much did this benefit you? Did it significantly reduce your mortgage?

I'd probably seek some proper advice. I'd then tell him I wasn't in a financial position to give him anything and tell him to seek some advice as well .

Yep - that's what I'd do.

[HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs]

Don't do anything unless you have legal advice?
Although in the long run you will benefit from his money, you cannot allow him to put your family in financial hardship now.

[Mygoldfishrocks]

Another point... When does he stop asking for dribs and drabs? He wants 10k here and 5k there etc ... What happens when he wants more in five years time?

You need proper advice

[Trifle]

Did he pay any bills whilst he was there or could this money be seen as his 'rent', after all it equates to less than £5k a year, approx £350 per month.

[Mygoldfishrocks]

I'd also not have him tell me what I should or shouldn't be putting away for my kids!

As he's not their father, do you have to have contact with him? I'd cut ties and seek advice and put this on a more formal footing

[BOFtastic]

It's kind of tough shit for him, to be honest. He has no legal claim to the money, as it was a gift. He chose to ignore the financial advisor, which is his look-out. You don't have to give him anything, and frankly, if you did, I daresay he'd pour it down his throat anyway and be in an even worse state.

Easy come, easy go.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Agree with all of the above.

He was happy to put it in and said he wouldn't want it back....now he wants it back. I agree, you mustn't put your family on financial hardship now!

Take legal advice.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Ps- also dont like the part about taking 15k from you (so your mortgage) to put 5k in kids accounts..that's your choice/business.....

[Viviennemary]

So is the house you are in still in joint names. He wants his money back. It's his money and I think he is entitled to ask for it back.

[supadupapupascupa]

honestly? I would sell up, give him everything you owe him and get on with your life.

If that means downsizing then so be it. If you think he is entitled t the money then you don't really have any right to it?

And I would do it soon before he starts claiming a share of the equity too.

[Papaluigi]

I guess the pre-nup agreement didn't get put in place? Assuming not, then legally he's gonna struggle like hell to get any money back. And then again, you'd also have to employ your own legal team to fight it....I see trouble and legal fees galore ahead.

Morally of course its a different question, but only you & your conscience can deal with that.

if it were me, I would look for a compromise; can you re-mortgage a bit that will give him a sum and remain repayable for you? Lengthen the term of your mortgage? as from what you said you reduced the term and amount with his money. And / or get his bit put on the house as a charge, so it's still 'his' but effectively tied-up in your house until you sell. As just about everyone has said, get thee to a lawyer quick-smart; these things can get nasty very quickly.

[eddielizzard]

how much did he actually give you?

as for telling you to take x amount and put aside for your kids isn't really within his remit is it?

i agree with getting advice, but legally i can't see how he can get it back. it was a gift. you didn't want a loan and would never have accepted a loan.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

When I lent my ex money which he refused to give back, when we went to court the onus was on him to prove it was a gift rather than me to prove it was a loan. I suspect the same would apply here.

I don't blame him for wanting his money. How would you have managed the mortgage payments if he hadn't given you this money?

[bothfeet]

I would work out what proportion of the value of the house his contribution represented at the time when it was paid then give him that share of the house. We recently lent someone a largish amount of money and he signed over a percentage of his house to us.

[Dirtybadger]

Get legal advice. Even if you had loads of money if you're giving it back you need to make sure it's appropriately documented so he doesn't come back in 5 years saying he wants his 45k (despite you having already given it back). Iyswim.

[maleview70]

Morally you should come to some kind of agreement.

Not sure how but that's what I would do.

Maybe if he wants the kids to have 15k say you can't afford that now but will sell the house in the future when they are older and no longer living there and give it to them then.

As for the £10k, if you can't afford it, then you can't afford it. I assume you are still single?

[Dirtybadger]

Sorry 25k

[mammadiggingdeep]

Hang on. This man gave a gift, insisted on no prenup as he wouldn't want it back but is now asking for it.

He is entitled to ask but I do think he's out or order asit now buggers you up.

[Lweji]

If you can't afford to be generous, then you can't.
His loss.
If he had given it to a charity, or spend it, he wouldn't get it back, so why should you?

Personally, in similar circumstances where the person found themselves in financial problems through no fault of their own, I'd do my best to give it back, as much as possible, within my means.
Not particularly in this case.

[louby44]

Get legal advice. When we bought our house 5 years ago, I put £100k into our property. My exP put a £1k deposit. My solicitor made me sign a 'declaration of trust' so that my money would be ringfenced.

Thank god he did because now I still have my £100k once the house is sold. I told my solicitor that exP wanted his £1000 back and solicitors said 'tough, unless it's written into any legal document he can whistle'.

I have actually given him a £1k so that he could move out and rent somewhere. he needed to leave as life was a nightmare living together.

Don't give him anything until you have spoken to a solicitor.

[BoulevardOfBrokenSleep]

Is he still drinking?

Perhaps he sees it as £10k = two bottles of wine a night for two years?

Tempting.

[enriquetheringbearinglizard]

Is this right.
Six years ago he moved in with you to a house in your name only and paid £45,000 off your mortgage with a view to your long term future together.

He stayed for five years and has been gone for 12 months now?

He wants £10,000 back for himself and for you to put a further £15,000 in your (not his) children's names.

So for five years living with you he's put £20,000 into your house and written that off. Gifted £15,000 to your children and wants £10,000 returned?

You need qualified legal advice I think.

Got to admit I'm a bit curious how you planned your finances to run if he hadn't moved in?

[Nappaholic]

The law in this area is incredibly complex, and everything can turn on seemingly trivial details or conversations. Not every family lawyer is an expert on such cases, so look out for a Resolution accredited specialist in "cohabitees".

It seems the property is in yr sole name, so the ex would have to bring (or threaten) a claim before you HAVE to do anything. So don't panic!

There is no presumption that it was a gift, though it seems that was the intention at the time...do you have any evidence of that intention - a letter, email, text, card...draft "pre-nup", whatever?

Get legal advice before you discuss this any further. Lots of solicitors offer a free initial meeting...what county are you in, if you can say?

[Cabrinha]

So, you thought he should have protected it, you always thought he'd want it back - but you're mad with him?
You didn't have to accept it.
You never saw it as a gift despite what he said, so you should have planned accordingly.

Legally, I think you've just got very lucky. I'd certainly be keeping any communications about putting £15K aside for the kids. That, I would think (though I'm not a lawyer!) is nice evidence that at least some of the money is a gift.

How did you manage your mortgage payments before he made the payment? Sounds like it wasnt long ago - "a few years" and you were only together 5 - so not that long ago?

Morally, I think you should work out his "rent" for the time he lived there, deduct that from the £45K (depending on any monthly contribution he made). Also deduct £15K that he is offering the children, but it'd have to stay ties up in the house. You can owe it to them. Then I think you should remortgage to pay him back the rest. All documented and final. Morally, if remortgaging increases your interest rate, I might suggest that is reflected in how much you pay back - if the remortgage causes you to lose a lower interest rate than you had when you met him.

You're mad with him, but I think he's being pretty reasonable, only asking for £10K, giving you 6 months, being willing to gift £15K to your kids. (though the cynic in me is suspicion about his motivation)

You can't blame him for doing what you always expected him to do!

Legally, however - you can possibly keep the lot.
I'd see a solicitor so you can plan for your worst case scenario.

[littlegreenlight1]

Im mad with him for the past, not now exactly, I understand why/how he needs the money.
It WAS a gift and I had no problem with the mortgage before he gave it to me. It reduced the term, not the payments, I went from something like 23 years to 11.
So yes, my intention after a lotttt of talking with family is when I remortgage, in september is to add £10K to it and give it to him.
I will extend my mortgage as much as I need to and that will be it.
People say "you didnt have to accept it" - not helpful, you dont know my ex, he was/is a very dominating, calculating and in a way scary character but I genuinely believed he would be the person he absolutely vowed to be. He was subtly controlling but so convincing I believed every word he said.....my life is a lot better since I realised I had to leave him.
He did get sober for a few months last year, but yes, he does drink again now. Allegedly not a drunk, but the one time I bumped into him out, he was drunk. Not the way he used to be, but still, drunk.
He still sees the kids (never when drinking!) and he seems to have sort of sorted his life out - its not my place to interfere, I dont know what he does for a living anymore etc but he is working. I doubt the money is to drink, I think he may be moving.
Anyway, without sitting here for hours I cant lay it all out for you and I really should go to work! Ill be back later and thank you all so so much for your advice!

I will get advice asap, Ive had a financial adviser for years so Ill get in touch with her today.