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Can I forgive this much deceit?

(708 Posts)
alphacourse Tue 25-Jun-13 06:45:07

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

3HotCrossBuns Thu 19-Sep-13 22:17:39

Brilliant news! Well done.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 19-Sep-13 22:22:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alphacourse Thu 19-Sep-13 22:27:06

Read the first section of one of the course texts this evening. Nice that I have a real life wankbadger to analyse! He does have some uses then....practical application to theory! <Sighs>

AnyFucker Thu 19-Sep-13 23:18:47

Not a complete waste of oxygen, then ? smile

alphacourse Fri 20-Sep-13 14:37:24

Yes - still a waste of oxygen. I could still analyse him if he was a deceased wankbadger!

He is mostly being fine now that he has moved out. Still huffs and puffs sometimes, still controlling and pushing the boundaries. I think he still thinks he can talk his way through this.

alphacourse Sun 22-Sep-13 11:02:44

Ok - can I check something with you all please?

He keeps going on about when I slapped him. It happened twice. The first time was the day after I found out about the sites and he had deleted them. The second time was just before I had my seizure and I don't remember it as I have a 2 hour "blank". He says I kept pummeling him on this occasion. I am so ashamed about it. It is so out of character. He says I need help about it as I am obviously a psycho. If I express frustration with him, he asks "what are you going to do? Hit me again? We all know you are good for a bit of a beating". He has said on more than one occasion that he ought to have reported me. I have apoligised whole heartedly about it. But it isn't right that I did it. Apologising doesn't undo it. What shall I do?

Twinklestein Sun 22-Sep-13 14:50:29

Tell him that trying to play the victim and make out that you're abusive is disgraceful, manipulative nonsense & is simply adds to his list of sins

How do you even know what he claims you did on the verge of a seizure (which he caused) is even true?

He's simply trying to blame the victim to take the heat off his own crimes. Disgraceful.

Jux Sun 22-Sep-13 16:25:52

Don't bother talking to him. Communicate about contact, but you really don't need to talk; do everything by text or email and keep them all.

He is only trying to distract you from the real issue, which is his behaviour.

alphacourse Sun 22-Sep-13 16:49:02

I agree that he is deflecting the blame. However, the slapping him is still an issue isn't it? It is inexcusable and I am ashamed. How do I ensure that I don't do it again - his wrong doesn't excuse mine does it.

tallwivglasses Sun 22-Sep-13 17:08:59

Repeat what Twinkle said. Tell him he's lucky to still have both bollocks.

Jux Mon 23-Sep-13 17:03:55

How many people have you slapped? Just him? Thought so.

Mosman Tue 24-Sep-13 13:15:45

I've never hit anyone in my life but punched DH - dickhead- five seperate occasions as he drip fed the full extent of his bullshit to me - he still brings that up regularly too - let's face it its all they have isn't it? They behaved appallingly and we reacted badly.

alphacourse Tue 24-Sep-13 14:18:10

Are you still with him Mosman? How do you react when he brings it up?

alphacourse Tue 24-Sep-13 14:19:56

Yes Jux - just him.

alphacourse Tue 24-Sep-13 14:44:42

yes, it is all they have. That and the snooping he has caused. It doesn't make it ok though does it. He brings the snooping up too - I hacked his hotmail account a while back. Funnily, he is able to communicate about these two "wrongs" but not his!

Mosman Tue 24-Sep-13 16:59:59

I am having the most marvellous life without him alpha, I laugh in his face when he brings it up and pretend to berate myself about having such a shit aim that I missed knocking him out on each occasion.
Honestly I spent months and months where you are and then one day the switch flicked and I thought fuck it and fuck him. I'm dating, having a laugh, new job, new friends who only know the single happy me and its great.
When you get to Uni you can reinvent yourself completely and start directing your life on your terms.
It'll be fucking great grin

alphacourse Wed 25-Sep-13 14:54:52

Thank you Mosman - that really helps. I generally have good self esteem, which is why I am so surprised that I seem so paralysed. He had his individual session today with our couples counsellor, and our joint session is in 2 weeks time. I will e interested to see what he says about how it went - he sent me a text to say she was "straight talking and direct" and that he liked that.

ageofgrandillusion Wed 25-Sep-13 15:10:52

All i would say about the hitting alpha is that when you are in a horrible relationship, you do things that are out of character. I have seen this happen so many times with people. That, for me, is the best reason to get out of such relationships - because they make you do things that you wouldnt normally do and you start to dislike yourself as a result. It is a horrible, shitty feeling. Put simply, this guy bullied and ground you down to his level. You are so well away from the wanker.

ProphetOfDoom Mon 30-Sep-13 18:20:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dhisawanker Mon 30-Sep-13 18:36:28

I want to get to this stage!! xx

Wellwobbly Mon 30-Sep-13 18:45:45

I am so glad this has been brought up, I am also being told I am insane, made his life miserable, he tolerated abuse...

mixing up my traumatic reaction to the affair with my unhappiness before.

But there is a part of me that thinks: was I really abusive? (before. I know I attacked him when my world blew up).

Wow, Mos. You go, girl! Can you tell us more about the switch? What made you realise you were DONE?

alphacourse Mon 30-Sep-13 18:50:13

wanker - which part? It all feels like a cluster fuck still I'm afraid!

Thank you for your reassurances that I haven't turned into some sort of psycho!

Nothing back on the medical front yet. Did have scans and biopsy for the bleeding malarky though. Still awaiting neurology results.

Start my course a week on Sat!

Also <drum roll>.....I put a deposit down on a house on Saturday. I also went out on Fri night with a friend and ensured I looked a bit damned fine. Twatface's jaw dropped as I sashayed past in my backless dress with my heels and hair extensions and smokey eyes grin

Funnily enough he has been all sweet nothing emails since. I keep repeating...ACTIONS not words. Then ignore.

dhisawanker Mon 30-Sep-13 19:07:03

I want to be moving forward and im still in a sort of limbo xxx

alphacourse Mon 30-Sep-13 19:46:26

I know what you mean. I started with small things - like arranging night out for the next 6 months. Then I applied for my uni course. Made plans moving forward that didn't involve making a decision about him/us? That felt easier. I think things feel more positive when you have something to look forward to. And you are busy!

ProphetOfDoom Mon 30-Sep-13 20:01:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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