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Lumbered with OM

(138 Posts)
kenickielovesrizzo Mon 29-Apr-13 20:04:58

Just wondered if this ever happened to anyone. Me and OM mutually split a while back (though I cared deeply for him but he is married with children). Then he calls to say he wants to talk to his wife and wants to reveal all/separate etc. At that point I think it hit me - I could never trust him/would not want to inflict any hurt on wife/children/he is selfish/self obsessed/boring. I have told him not to be so ridiculous and to pull out all the stops to save his marriage since he has children. Up until now I thought I would be ecstatic if he left his wife but this has been a MASS reality check. Glad I had the wake up call, but really hoping he doesn't carry out his plan and I end up lumbered with OM.

fuckitybollocks Sat 04-May-13 21:21:56

Good on you. That took grace and guts. X

kenickielovesrizzo Sat 04-May-13 19:25:11

Thanks for all your posts Dontmind - they have been really, really helpful.

DontmindifIdo Sat 04-May-13 18:37:12

Glad you are taking some positives from this.

This is one of those good cases when you look at the difference between excuses and explainations, it's not making excuses to work out the explaination of bad behaviour, it stops you a) repeating it and b) work out if you were just masking other problems.

kenickielovesrizzo Sat 04-May-13 16:26:43

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to say thank you to the posters on here who recognised that my badly worded, flippant sounding OP was in fact disguising much bigger issues at work in myself and my life. I didn't even realise it myself, so even though this thread has not been an easy ride for me, I'm glad I did it - it really has been the catalyst to sort out my life.

Liara Wed 01-May-13 21:39:53

Jemma1111 If this ever happens to me I will conclude that my relationship with my husband was not what I thought it was and will therefore reevaluate it.

I will consider the OW to be absolutely incidental. If it had not been her, it would have been someone else.

I've seen this first hand, as my father was a serial womaniser. He left each of his 5 marriages to go straight to live with another woman.

Fortunately all of his wives realised that it was about him, not the OW, and continued to have very civilised relationships with each other, to the very great benefit of all the children involved (and there were many).

Ilovemyteddy Tue 30-Apr-13 19:09:24

<waves back at AF>

No I haven't PM'd OP yet, but am planning to do so.

You're right about pats on the head and "there there's" being inappropriate. And not only are they inappropriate but they are also not useful if a cheater is going to take responsibility for their own actions. Although I'm not sure if OP is technically a cheater, because she is single. Enabling someone else to cheat is obviously a very bad choice to make, but OP is not responsible for HIS choices, only her own.

Fleecyslippers Tue 30-Apr-13 18:44:16

'I suspect this little MN episode is part of a bigger pattern of fucked up behaviour and refusal/inability to take responsibility for one's own actions, tbh'

This. Exactly this. The classic behaviour of a cheat.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 18:05:05

I am glad, CI . You won't be the only one, I think. I bet the lovely Ilovemyteddy has <waves at ILMT, long time no see >

classifiedinformation Tue 30-Apr-13 17:59:35

I have messaged op AF.

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 17:57:08

I expect she has had a few pm's actually

And unfortunately shot herself in the foot by flouncing because she got an understandably "wtf" reaction. I fail to see why she didn't think that would happen, but if she genuinely wanted advice, it's not so hard to pick out the bits she could find useful.

I suspect this little MN episode is part of a bigger pattern of fucked up behaviour and refusal/inability to take responsibility for one's own actions, tbh

And until someone is ready to do that, there is little anyone can do since pats on the head and "there there's" are wholly inappropriate, tbh

newbiefrugalgal Tue 30-Apr-13 17:53:12

Haven't read all replies but had to say you get what you deserve OP.

You are an adult and should have thought about the consequences of your actions.

Hope karma finds it way to you!

Hopingtobehappy Tue 30-Apr-13 17:50:18

I could, but one persons opinion isnt particularly going to help, there are a few on here who could.

My opinion is just my opinion, I dont have the answers

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 17:42:02

Have you tried pm'ing her ?

Hopingtobehappy Tue 30-Apr-13 17:37:14


Absolutely perfectly put.

Reading between the lines I think there is a lot more to it than the OP has told us.

I hope that she comes back, because there are a few on here who could really help and I think she needs it.

Lazyjaney Tue 30-Apr-13 16:45:27

"I wanted to post and reiterate what other recent posters have said about NOT all OW get crucified on MN"

IMO the OP has had a lot of unnecessary grief on this thread, because she was quite matter of fact about her situation rather than self flagellating herself. But it's hardly as if she is the only OW in the world, statistically there are as many OW as Wronged Wives.

IMO she has seen the error of this relationship, has come to the best conclusion, and there is no reason for OM to arrive on her doorstep, but she needs to make it clear very quickly that this is not an option for him.

classifiedinformation Tue 30-Apr-13 15:55:57

The problem with flaming people (even if the op isn't worded well) is that you don't know the whole story. What do you know about what is going on in the op's life, or the om's marriage?

Yes, it is wrong to be unfaithful with someone, but life is messy, people make mistakes and generally if they risk a character assassination on here, it probably means they are desperate for help and advice.

No amount of insulting, judging and holier than thou replies will make the situation any better and will certainly not guide the poster in the right direction to get the help they need.

We are all human beings and none of us are perfect for varying reasons, I wish people could remember that. sad

KoPo Tue 30-Apr-13 15:31:08

I hear you and have mass guilt, don't worry about that. Though I like to think if they don't know they are not hurting but I know how fucked that sounds.

That is the point where the OP lost any fucking credibility at all. I wonder if she has been the OW before?

Why would I have a single shred of sympathy for her whatsoever? I cant believe the sheer cheek of her even looking for it after a post like that.

monsterchild Tue 30-Apr-13 14:18:30

Mine was clean.

monsterchild Tue 30-Apr-13 14:18:03

OP if the man were my formerdp, you'd be welcome to him! He was chronic cheater, it took twice for me to see that but thank the Gods I did!
I never got too mad at the ows because by the second we weren't sleeping together as he refused to get an sti test, and ended up with one! From her I think, so that was nice.

Ilovemyteddy Tue 30-Apr-13 13:58:12

I wanted to post and reiterate what other recent posters have said about NOT all OW get crucified on MN. I was an OW who has had two affairs, and have posted about this regularly in the past, and I have never been judged on here.

The reason for that is, IMHO, that I did what Classifiedinformation has done, and went for counselling to understand what I had done and what personality traits I have that led to the choices I made. No one is to blame for my infidelity other than me.

Owning your shit, rather than posting a thread title and OP that doesn't show you in the best light, is bound to bring out the worst in other posters, whether the post is about infidelity or any other subject. I know the OP has apologised for that numerous times, but flouncing off the thread, rather than responding to the good advice that has been given on this thread, will make many posters less than sympathetic to her situation. It also doesn't help other OW who may be lurking and wanting to post for advice, when they see a thread like this that goes tits up because of a poorly thought out opening post.

OP I hope that you have read Classified and Hoping's posts and that they are useful to you.

classifiedinformation Tue 30-Apr-13 12:55:46

A very positive post Hoping, I'm sure op will find it helpful.

PoppyAmex Tue 30-Apr-13 12:46:50

Dude, the complaint on your OP is like killing your parents and begging the judge for mercy because you're an orphan.

Can't say your flippant style inspires sympathy and I'm not (to my knowledge) a "wronged wife".

Hope you make better choices in the future. Good luck.

Hopingtobehappy Tue 30-Apr-13 12:29:33

OP you have been flamed and whilst it is 'understandable' why some have been like they are, please do not assume that everyone feels that way about you.

My H cheated on me several times years before we split, I found out and we tried to work it out. It didnt work in the end, because we werent right for each other, which is why he cheated on me !!

I fully understand how it feels to be cheated on, its horrible, its undescriable pain, but its NOT THE END OF THE WORLD (although it perhaps feels like it at the time) and whatever anyone says about cheaters cheating on their children, THAT I dont agree with for a second. Your cheat on your partner, not on your children.

Nobody here knows what this mans marriage is like. It cant be that great otherwise he wouldnt have cheated.

I acted like a bloody angel when my H cheated on me, as though butter wouldnt melt and it was all his fault. Looking back things werent right and we should have dealt with it differently all round.

I understand cheating from both sides (not going into details with the other side) and its bloody painful from wherever you look at it! being the OW (or the OM) does not make you a bad person and affairs are NOT as sleazy as they are portrayed on here, although I do understand that can make the W feel better to think of it like that.

I do not think you are a bad person OP, I think that you are asking for help. This is a site for relationships and I would say that included the ones that are not 'conventional'

I hope that you come back OP, because I for one will support you.

classifiedinformation Tue 30-Apr-13 12:17:46

Kenickie, I too have made a mistake, except I wasn't the ow, he was the om. I was only unfaithful once (no long term affair) and I have completely crucified myself since it happened. I have accepted full responsibility for what happened and refuse to allow my partner to blame things solely on the om, it was totally my fault that I made the wrong decision!

My partner and I are receiving counselling which he is benefitting from (happily). However, the thing stopping us going forward is my guilt and my inability to forgive myself. My partner is very upset about how much I loathe myself and the counsellor has suggested I see her alone as I need to work through my self hatred.

I am not posting because I want a pat on the back for being ashamed and disgusted at my behaviour, more to let you know op, that people do make mistakes and it does not make us inherently evil or sleazy bitches no matter how others judge. I suggest you get counseling to work through why the affair happened, how it has affected you and how to make sure it doesn't happen again.

It is tremendously important to really understand yourself/personality traits/emotional issues so that you learn more about yourself and can move forward.

You do not need to be with the om if he leaves his wife, make that very clear and cut all contact for a clean break.

Good luck.

PeppermintPasty Tue 30-Apr-13 12:06:16

Oh bugger, I missed that, she's flounced? Ah well....

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