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Please help: What would you do?

(128 Posts)
babyhammock Fri 22-Feb-13 10:36:47

What would you do if you had an ex partner like this, who had virtually no relationship with your child and you had been court ordered to present your child for direct unsupervsed contact.

Verbally abusive such as screaming in your face that you're a f****g c**t and that he's sick of hearing about the f****g baby while you're carrying that child.

Emotionally abusive...threatening you if you see any friends family anyone etc etc etc

Physically threatening (over and over) ..standing over you screaming, with his fists clenched that he's going to put you in hospital, put your head through the f****g window, kill you while you're curled up in a ball crying

Sexually abusive ..while you're still crying and curled up in a ball forces you to have sex

Who also pays nothing in child support despite being court ordered to do so.

Would you break the order and risk enforcement?

babyhammock Sat 23-Feb-13 23:25:41

Discrete I dream of that.
Thanks Cherries I felt like the high court of appeal judge did that to give us extra protection but just wouldn't go against the other judge by giving me permission to appeal. He also knew that I wouldn't comply yet said nothing about me having to..confused

I was supposed to be in court Friday, I obviously didn't go as I'm not responding (on old solicitor's advice)... not sure what else to do.
I've prepared something though for if/when they catch up with me, which basically argues that to force me to present DS for contact in these circumstances, is a violation of my parental responsibility to protect DS, and a violation of DS’s right to be safe.

Additionally to punish me, when I am just trying to protect my child and there is no proof that my account of the abuse is not true (plenty that it is) and that I am therefore doing any wrong doing in protecting DS, cannot be right.

I guess I just have to wait and see what happens next.

discrete Sun 24-Feb-13 20:45:15

Good for you. Stand your ground.

babyhammock Sun 24-Feb-13 21:24:37

Thanks thanks

FarBetterNow Sun 24-Feb-13 22:01:51

I know this is a bit of an odd question, but is your ex partner a mason?

babyhammock Sun 24-Feb-13 22:49:56

Farbetter not an odd question at all. No he isn't as far as I know but the judgement was as though he had paid the judge. I'm not suggesting he did that at all, but that's how biased it was. It felt like whatever ex had done/said, it wouldn't have made any difference if that makes sense.

Rowanhart Sun 24-Feb-13 23:53:10

I don't want to freak you out here but I've seen a similar situation when eventually the child was taken from the mother as she refused to comply with court for several years. Father was given primary custody.

I say to you the advice I wish the mother has taken. Get as far away as possible. Try contacting your local woman'a refuge and see if they will help you hide.

Move away and legally change yours and DS surname

There is no point going to newspaper. They may run but it will be anonymous and it is likely to be used as evidence of y

Rowanhart Sun 24-Feb-13 23:53:42

Sorry. Cut off

You being unreasonable.

Just get as far away as possible.

FarBetterNow Mon 25-Feb-13 06:49:06

Please don't comply with the court order.
Izzyizin gives brilliant advice.
Hope you get help today.
Love and best wishes to you.

babyhammock Mon 25-Feb-13 09:44:39

Rowan that was my original plan but I stupidly stupidly put his name on the birth certificate. Ironically he didn't even want to come to get DS registered.
The upshot being that if I 'disappeared' he could put a seek and find order on me and, as I couldn't change DS's name, find me through him sad

A solicitor I was talking to at the time said I basically had two options. Either stay and fight or move to a non Haige convention country.

My old solicitor, who is helping atm said if I was renting that she'd say move now, but I have a mortgage and DS has just started reception and doing really well. That said, it's on my mind constantly. My worry is that if I did move and they found me, what then.

Farbetter thank you again. I shall phone them today

babyhammock Mon 25-Feb-13 09:47:48

Sorry Rowan*, I meant to ask. What happened with that case? How old was the child?

betterthanever Mon 25-Feb-13 15:07:41

Sadly you are not alone.
But there are people in the same poition all over the country not knowing where to turn.
Indiviually we have no chance, collectively we have more of a chance - but we are people who have a lot of responsibilies and are having to spend time and money on court - it is hard to make the steps forward that are needed to change the system. We need a plan... this can't carry on.

FarBetterNow Mon 25-Feb-13 20:37:02

How are you and how did you get on today?
Did you manage to contact any one about this?
I'm sorry I have no advice to offer, but there are others here who have fantastic legal knowledge and good hearts.

babyhammock Mon 25-Feb-13 23:02:43

Ah thanks FarBetter I spoke to the children's legal centre and basically my only option, aside from what I'm doing, is to apply for a variation on the order. Trouble is I'm still stuck with the judgement from that judge which will be at the heart of any variation.

Anyway I spoke with my old solicitor again and she still thinks I should carrying on lying low and hoping...that beng the lesser of the two evils. I still haven't spoken to womansaid, mainly though because I'm not sure what they could do.

better its how the law is applied. There's no accountability

FarBetterNow Tue 26-Feb-13 19:09:20

It seems totally mad.
I hope you and your child get the help you need.
Please carry on posting as you may get help from the wise women.

babyhammock Tue 26-Feb-13 20:57:48

FarBetter seriously thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words. I'll let you know what happens x

Cherriesarelovely Tue 26-Feb-13 23:06:51

Also thinking of you and your Ds. I so hope you get some positive advice soon, it is so unfair that you have to live like this just to protect yourself and your child. You have been incredibly strong and brave.

babyhammock Wed 27-Feb-13 09:12:21

Thank you Cherries.
I felt totally broken when I posted this on friday, but you've all helped so much.

betterthanever Wed 27-Feb-13 11:37:16

One of the legally trained people may be able to help with this - but can you not appeal against a fact finding? especially as the judge has retiered and you have no way of making a complaint against them? Seems scary if you can't as people do have bad days and get things wrong. It seems unfair that you can't apply for a variation when you disagree with the fact finding.

NandH Wed 27-Feb-13 11:50:52

what would the enforcement be??

NandH Wed 27-Feb-13 11:58:15

I only ask because I'm in a simular situation... my ex hasn't got a court order tho and he would only be given supervised and he's ran off with dc before and he's recently come out of a mental hospital, I too put him on the birth certificate meaning no matter what he's done he'll always get access.

I received a letter from his solicitors which I havnt replied too about contact...

I'm moving away literally this weekend...not country but far enough that he won't want to travel that distance to see dc....

what is your enforcement if you don't follow your court order??

babyhammock Wed 27-Feb-13 12:16:01

I did appeal, to the high court with an 18 page skeleton argument of all the things the judge had been factually wrong on, hadn't considered, witnesses disallowed etc etc. I was refused permission but the high court judge wrote on that order that under no circumstances was our address to be revealed... So he effectively gave us protection from not complying (I told the high court judge I couldn't comply), or at least that was my impression, but wouldn't go against the other judge confused. However it meant I was stuck with the judgement. Therefore any variation, i will still have that judgement.

There is a contact order but currently with no enforcement attached to it. That is what my ex is trying to do atm, to get an enforcement attached to the order, oh and financial compensation.

NandH its sounds like you're totally doing the right thing. All I would say is cover your tracks and give no one your new address. Best of luck

NandH Wed 27-Feb-13 20:55:04

dear god you Poor lady! I hope it works out for you!

no I won't give out address, only people that know I'm going/have address is family, my own best friends don't even know sad

babyhammock Wed 27-Feb-13 22:00:56

NandH and you x

Cherriesarelovely Wed 27-Feb-13 22:06:09

I wish you the very best of luck NandH at your new address. I am so sorry that you, babyhammock and it would seem countless other women are having to go to these lengths to keep their child safe. You are brave mums. Thinking of you both.

WafflyVersatile Wed 27-Feb-13 22:23:21

Letter to your MP? I have no idea if that could help in any way but I can't see any harm.

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