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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

Advice please about contacting an old boyfriend

101 replies

StretchVelvet · 27/01/2013 15:12

I'm thinking about contacting an old boyfriend I recently found on FB.

According to his page he is in a relationship. I am single.

I have no wish to cause any problems in his relationship, but I would just like to drop him a line to say hello and just find out how he's doing. I have no wish to meet him in person, not while he's in a relationship.

I'm still not certain that I will send him a message, but any tips on what to say if I do? Keeping in mind that he and his DP may both read each other's FB so what do I write that keeps things light and doesn't make me look like I'm a potential homewrecker?

It's been many, many years and I keep thinking he may not even remember me, but it was a serious and very intense relationship, surely he MUST remember me ? If he doesn't I'll just crawl under the nearest rock and never come out

original thread which has long posts by me is here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1667231-Feeling-stuck-and-sad-about-the-past

OP posts:

Report

SorryMyLollipop · 27/01/2013 15:14

Don't do it. He's in a relationship.

AntimonySalts · 27/01/2013 15:15

Don't do it. Look at it from his partner's perspective.

If it's so long ago that he might not even remember you, why go poking around with that one? I would be focussing more on the future instead of rummaging around in the past.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 27/01/2013 15:17

Don't do it.

You don't want a lighthearted chat, you want him to want you.

Its not fair on him or his partner.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 15:20

Just leave it.

meditrina · 27/01/2013 15:20

Don't do it.

Unless you are, for example, arranging the old school reunion and you are sending him an identical information/invitation message that you send to everyone else.

HellesBelles396 · 27/01/2013 15:21

another reason not to do it - you'll look like a loon and feel worse.
you can't move forward of you're hanging onto the past.

DuchessFanny · 27/01/2013 15:22

Just don't.

StretchVelvet · 27/01/2013 16:08

I'm really not sure why I'd 'look like a loon' if I sent him a message. I've had two ex boyfriends contact me on FB in the last 10 years or so, and I certainly didn't think either of them were loons. We just exchanged a couple of friendly catch up emails and that was that.

Anyway, I appreciate the input even though I wasn't asking for advice on 'should I or shouldn't I?'. As I said in my OP, I haven't made a decision either way yet.

OP posts:

pictish · 27/01/2013 16:12

You want him to be interested in you romantically and/or sexually. That much is obvious.

Don't contact him.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 16:14

I think you are kidding yourself about your reasons for contacting him, and that is the reason why it isn't a good idea.

If you felt the need to tell us that your connection with him was "very serious and intense" then it doesn't sound your "hi, remember me" message is coming from the right place

AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 16:14

sound like

pictish · 27/01/2013 16:19

so what do I write that keeps things light and doesn't make me look like I'm a potential homewrecker?

The fact that you had to say that, tells me that you are exactly that. A potential homewrecker. If he gave you the chance you'd leap on it.

Anyone contacting on old ex in innocence, would not fear sounding like a homewrecker, because there's nothing wrong with getting in touch with old friends.

Your motives are not innocent.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 27/01/2013 16:19

You don't want a friendly catch up. You want him to fall in love with you again to give yourself the ego boost you need atm. Its totally unfair to track down someone you have feelings for, realise they are in a relationship and proceed anyway.

One of my DHs ex girlfriends did this. She sent him a little lighthearted email, all very well and good, then after a couple of weeks started going on about how he was 'the one who got away' DH didn't even reply, just deleted and blocked her.

Could you handle him rejecting you?

StretchVelvet · 27/01/2013 16:21

I pointed out that it had been very serious and intense because I didn't want it to seem like I was contacting someone that I kissed once at the school disco, when I was 15, that's all.

I'm not interested in trying to 'get' a man who is in a relationship. I'm not sure why everyone seems to think that I've got horrible intentions here....and you know what, even if he was single and I was looking for 'more', he wouldn't be interested in me now anyway, because I'm old, I'm a heifer these days, and I'm absolutely not the happy bubbly girl he fell in love with many years ago.

Will it be ok for me to wait till I'm 70 (not that long to go actually) to make contact with him or will I still be seen as a predatory female? (not being sarcastic there, it's a genuine question)

OP posts:

Absoluteeightiesgirl · 27/01/2013 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AntimonySalts · 27/01/2013 16:24

Why do you actually want to make contact with him?

SparkleSoiree · 27/01/2013 16:26

If any of my former flames contacted me via facebook I would instantly think booty call!

StretchVelvet · 27/01/2013 16:28

Cross posted above with recent posts.

I feel like I'm getting attacked here in some of these responses and I'm a bit gutted because I'm a regular under a NC. If it was a guy posting the same question I think the replies would be different.

Anyway, I didn't come here to fight with anyone or have to justify myself so I don't think there's anything more I can say about this.

OP posts:

pictish · 27/01/2013 16:30

You have given yourself away with your choice of words I'm afraid.

That is why we all think it would be a bad idea to contact him. Sorry.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2013 16:33

I don't think the replies would be different if you were a bloke

Whenever anyone asks this kind of question, I always say "let it alone"

the past is in the past, exes are exes for a reason, don't hark back, if you need to widen your social circle make new friends and certainly don't contact people you used to have a "serious intense" sexual relationship with

gemdrop84 · 27/01/2013 16:34

I received an email from my ex a few years ago wishing me a happy birthday and general chit chat after no contact for a few years. Really don't understand why he would get in touch after so long, it just seemed so strange to me!

SparkleSoiree · 27/01/2013 16:34

Stretchvelvet Please don't feel attacked. Lots of people have had experience of past flames contacting them via FB and it has been known to end up in heartache for lots of those people so it's a natural instinct that people would recoil at reading your dilemma.

I think you really need to examine your honest intentions here and ask why you feel the need to contact a past flame. Why do you need to know at this point how he is doing in his life? If you don't need to know wouldn't it be prudent to just leave it? I would say the same to a male friend if he was asking the same thing....the past should stay in the past. If the friendship was one that was destined to last you would still be in contact with him regardless of his romantic status but the friendship/relationship obviously ran it's course a long time ago....

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MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 27/01/2013 16:35

exBF that I have never really got over

always have a little piece of my heart

he's very attractive and I got butterflies when I saw him.

I always felt like he was the one that got away, I never forgot him

still seems to have all the wonderful qualities that I adored him for as a person back then, just makes him all the more of a fantasy figure to me.

it was more like there was so much unfinished business and I just never got over him

I'm not going to contact him and I'm seriously thinking of deactivating my own FB so I don't get tempted to start looking at his page (and his GF's page) and turn into some obssessed stalker after a few glasses

Let's say he suggested meeting for a coffee for a purely platonic catch up. I've still got feelings for him, what if meeting him makes them stronger ?

You also say something about 'investigating' when he got divorced.

^ This is what makes you sound like a 'predatory female'. You aren't over him, you hope for more, he is in a relationship.

The only endings here are that

He is really happy with his partner, you feel hurt.

He is happy, you and he have an affair, everyone gets hurt.

He isn't happy, he leaves his partner, she gets hurt and you can't trust him.

There is no good way for this to turn out while you have feelings for him or while he is in a relationship.

I'm not attacking you at all, I'm trying to see that by not contacting him you will spare your (and his, and his partners) feelings.

pictish · 27/01/2013 16:37

Your other thread (the one you linked to) tells us everything we need to know. You hold a blazing torch for him.

sparklyjumper · 27/01/2013 16:38

I really don't thinkt hat you are being attacked I think you're getting quite sensible replies.

You said you're not over him and he was the one that got away. So it's a really bad idea to contact him as he is with someone else and the potential for people to get hurt, probably you is massive.

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