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Reasons not to have an affair

(253 Posts)
Callyfornication Sat 12-Jan-13 22:00:53

Ok..... I am 23, he is 33. Ive been single for 5 months and he's married with a baby. Predictably, we work together, and we have to travel to France 1 week every 8 weeks. We went to France 2 weeks ago and on 1 night, after a lot of wine we ended up in his hotel room. Tbh I feel like it's been building up for ages and he's been the one putting the effort in buttttt he is fit and really sweet and I have enjoyed it....

Pleased to report we didn't kiss or shag but he gave it his best shot. I slurred about his marital vows and left.... I feel like a bit of an idiot for getting into that situation and can't guarantee if it happen again I wouldn't do it though, and the sexual tension is sky high. Ive spoken to a couple of mates about it who have all said they would have gone there which has made me feel a bit less guilty (but also less confident of what I'd do if theres a next time).

Advice? Could everyone tell me all the horror stories and worst cases so I don't go there....?

lighted Sat 12-Jan-13 23:21:06

Some 'friends' will get use you to provide them with entertainment from your 'adventures' and will enjoy hearing the latest 'instalment'.

badinage Sat 12-Jan-13 23:22:16

That's such a cop-out if I may say so.

Yes the married man's got the greater responsibility, but that doesn't mean you have no responsibility to yourself and your own morals and standards, does it? Or to a wife and baby who'd get hurt beyond measure if you agreed to help him cheat?

But if that's your mindset (and I think you'll feel differently when you're in his wife's shoes) then concentrate on what you've got to lose if you did this. Being professional and respected at work is worth so much more than a drunken shag every 8 weeks on the company bill.....

TheCrackFox Sat 12-Jan-13 23:23:28

You could end up losing your job over this sleazy fucker.

SummerDad Sat 12-Jan-13 23:23:51

because he is a cheat, end of.

dequoisagitil Sat 12-Jan-13 23:27:17

Yes please don't underestimate the repercussions for you if you were to shag your colleague. We still live in a world where women are judged far more harshly and disparagingly for sexual exploits. He'd likely be able to boast about it to the men, while you'd be depicted as the slut (and home-wrecker if it got to the wife).

GloryWhole Sat 12-Jan-13 23:28:14

He's a complete arsehole, and you're an idiot to even need to post this thread to get reminders of why not to have an affair.

Decency. Common fucking decency. You'd really be tempted to 'go there' knowing he has a wife and child, and that he is a fucking sleazebag?

fortyplus Sat 12-Jan-13 23:28:48

You are young free and single
He's married with a baby

You'll look at him with doe eyes in the office
Everyone will think you're pathetic

He'll tell one or two people at work
He'll be known as 'a bit of a lad' while you gain a reputation as 'the office bike'.

If you get found out then one or both of you will get sacked for misconduct
Probably you as he's the married one with the baby

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Sat 12-Jan-13 23:29:03

WARNING graphic post

His responsibility to his doesn't negate your responsibility to you. He'll shag his wife then put his dick in your mouth without even showering. He'll be going back and forward between the two of you. He will tell you he isn't sleeping with her but he is. He'll be with you and answer his phone to her. His birthday will be with her, Christmas will be with her, you won't be introduced to his family or friends and in the meantime you will be missing out on a genuine relationship with someone who actually likes you. He doesn't like you, if he did he wouldn't be turning you into his standby shag. He is a sleazy knob.

PoohBearsHole Sat 12-Jan-13 23:31:32

Take a step back and ensure that as you are working you DON'T get yourself into this position again, perhaps cut back on the drinking. Actually no perhaps about it. Cut back on the drink when abroad. Even if you work in the alcohol industry (actually more of a reason to!)

Remember, you are 23 and this could very much ruin your reputation at work and for future roles. I have a colleague (similar age) who is "doing everything but" with her direct boss (20 years older, in relationship - poor but no excuse - with a new baby). She will not last as her reputation is shot.

One rule in work life

"DON'T SCREW THE CREW" live by it, particularly as he is married.

MadBusLady Sat 12-Jan-13 23:32:56

From a selfish point of view, the big reason not to do it is that he's not some big romantic prize to be yearned for. He is not a sweet, nice guy. He is a SLEAZY CHEATING INADEQUATE LOSER! Do you think sweet nice guys try it on with very, very drunk ten years' younger junior work colleagues? With a baby at home?

Callyfornication Sat 12-Jan-13 23:33:08

badinage my own morals and standards are what made me say NONONONONO at the time, but they clearly arent strong enough for me to not be attracted to him....

Affairs are rife in my industry sadly. Unprofessional yes, but I wouldnt get the sack.

So, do I have to actually spell it out soberly, as since then the texts/voicemails have continued? I have only replied to work ones.

Monty27 Sat 12-Jan-13 23:33:29


Your last post. The fact that you were getting plastered in a hotel with him is just wrong... to his wife and child at least.

Oh ffs. Grow up. You're 23 not 13.

lighted Sat 12-Jan-13 23:33:48

It's not flattering to have someone wanting to get you into bed when they already have someone at home with their baby.

lighted Sat 12-Jan-13 23:36:10

Just because you are attracted to someone, it doesn't mean you have to have sex with them. He's not the last man on the planet.

Monty27 Sat 12-Jan-13 23:37:37

Lighted wise words.

Personally at 23 and some married 33 yo knob with a baby tried it on with me I would not have been able to contain my embarrassment.

I've been round the block OP... with single men. Your friends sound dodgy.

fortyplus Sat 12-Jan-13 23:39:59

I once joked with dh about getting chatted up by some loser in a night club. Dh replied
You should just feel ashamed that he thought he stood more chance with you than anyone else

Funny in our case, but not in yours when the man in question has a wife and baby

PoohBearsHole Sat 12-Jan-13 23:41:28

And really - affairs are rife? Who is telling you that? And you really want to be part of the crew?

I can guarantee you that you will come out of it in a very muddy fashion, whereas HE WON'T. Guarantee it.

It could very well affect your chance of promotion and could very well affect any job offers from other companies. People have very long memories of who may or may not have shagged who.

I know for a fact there is an old rumour I slept with a colleague. As a matter of fact we have never even kissed, we were friends before we started working together but that doesn't mean everyone doesn't think I was at one point he "shag".

SarahBumBarer Sat 12-Jan-13 23:42:06

THere speaks a 23 year old. Trust me - if you had a husband and he had an affair you would NOT blame him and not the OW. Your feelings towards him would be more complex than your feelings towards her - she is far easier to hate.

What could you possibly see in a guy who would cheat on his wife when he has a baby? What kind of guy does that? Yes it is a tough time with a new baby but men act like men about it and SUPPORT their wives and baby and pathetic man-childs spend their time in hotel rooms with women 10 years younger than them.

Yes he is the one to make vows but what kind of world would we live in if we felt that we owed absolutely no duty of care to any other living person unless we had married them. Could you really betray a woman who is already in a vulnerable position (post baby and married to a scumbag twat) just because you didn't make a vow? If you saw a stranger struggling in the street would you not help them? So why kick this woman when she is down?

Whatever shit he tells you about how neglected he is etc (boo hoo) and how bad his marriage is and that his wife doesn't understands him only too well is rubbish but it will suck you and and when/if he stays with his wife and new baby rather than be with you despite everything he has told you about how wonderful things are with you it will wreck your self esteem and affect you and your relationships forever more. And the same friends who are so cavalierly telling you now to go for it will be bored with listening to you whining about how crap you feel.

SparkleSoiree Sat 12-Jan-13 23:42:54

If I slept with every bloke I was sexually attracted to I would be ready for the knackers yard by now!

You have the choice whether to sleep with the man or not. He is offering it on a plate to you. But every action has a reaction and sometimes there is a consequence to face.

LineRunner Sat 12-Jan-13 23:43:39

Why do you think you would have a affair?

FlorentinePogen Sat 12-Jan-13 23:45:29

Scenario 1 - You let him fuck you. He lets one or two of his buddies know. You get a bit of a rep. as the office bike/cumbucket.

Scenario 2 - You knock this shite on the head now and let it be known that you rebuffed this disloyal clown's drunken advances.

I know who I'd think more of given the choice.

BTW Cally, if you can down 3 bottles of wine and remain compos mentis, I doff my cap to you. I couldn't but then again, I am only a man.

dequoisagitil Sat 12-Jan-13 23:48:44

Ah, she's only 23 she probably barely had a hangover, Florentine grin.

Beehive21 Sat 12-Jan-13 23:50:45

I think you should sleep with him. Too many people pass up experiences for moral or otherwise reasons- if you want to do it go ahead. Just remember it stays with you for life!

EnjoyResponsibly Sat 12-Jan-13 23:50:58

When he goes to kiss you...that's the same mouth that went down on his wife last night.

Man, what a catch. That's definitely the man I'd be looking for if I was 23.

Monty27 Sat 12-Jan-13 23:51:28

Cally one day that wife might be you.

I hope you can 'man up' then. Yes?

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