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I need help (and you'll probably flame me)

(318 Posts)
MrsMorton Tue 20-Nov-12 13:13:02

I met DH when he was married and I was the OW, I'm not going to talk about my guilt etc but believe me it is ever present.
We have been together (not in an affair) for seven years and married for three. He has older children from his previous marriage, the youngest is 18 and I'm 31.

He absolutely does not trust me, last night a friend called me and DH sulked all night and is still sulking. Another friend who's DH has just DIED, texted me at midnight and I got a hard time for that as well.

Will he ever trust me? Is it my fault for being the OW? Is it because he knows how easy it was for us to get together? It's such a depressing way to live. I don't even contemplate doing things like going for works Xmas do because I know that even asking him if I can go will make him accuse me of something and I will get loads of texts asking me where I am and what I'm doing.

The only thing I've ever done to make him think this is I had emails on my account which were rude/flirty from before we met, I had forgotten about them & he logged on and found them.

MrsMorton Tue 27-Nov-12 14:30:20

I have been thinking on this and I think I want him to leave and me to remain in the house. I think (hope?) he is rational enough to maintain our financial responsibilities to my parents, not least because he will benefit from them in the longer term. I don't know how to go about this though. Do I tell him I'm not happy and I want him to leave? Then he will expect to be able to work things out. FFS I can't even ask him what time he will be home from work without him saying "why do you want to know", if he's going out for a run he will question me if I ask him where he is going. It's driving me potty.

I stayed away with work last night and I'm just bracing myself for a hard time when he gets in.

waltermittymistletoe Tue 27-Nov-12 14:39:49

Why do you want to stay in the house Mrs?

I think the decision to leave is absolutely the right one. But I'm not sure why he would agree to moving out since it will be you ending the relationship?

MrsMorton Tue 27-Nov-12 14:43:58

I know, that's the problem. Although we own it jointly, I pay the mortgage and he wouldn't be able to afford it on his own. If he stayed then I don't know whether I would be able to pay the mortgage and rent somewhere for myself whereas if I stayed, I would happily help him with rent/deposit somewhere else. I could afford to buy him out of the house I think in the longer term.

I don't think he would agree to moving out, I was just wondering if there was anyone with any experience of how to go about this.
He pays the electricity, council tax, gas and water and I pay the mortgage and buy groceries and pay into savings. That's how we split things.

InNeedOfBrandy Tue 27-Nov-12 14:44:55

MrsM I know your going to lose your home that you love ect and I know it's going to be hard. I know I'm not just saying it I know.

I really don't think he will leave, you could try it but I think the nastiness and control will be stepped up and you'l never break free. Or it will end in you calling the police and him stalking you and a never ending cycle of abuse/him moving in 3 doors down/letters/threats/emotional blackmail/real blackmail/threatening not to maintain financial resp to your parents/threatening to tell work/

I really hope he hasn't got any inappropriate photos of you.

I really think the best thing to do is pack your shit and get out of there. Imagine how it will be to have your own house, decorated how you want, no ghosts from the past and no way of him just turning up on the door step.

waltermittymistletoe Tue 27-Nov-12 15:49:02

Well if we won't leaven (and I don't think he will) you stop paying the mortgage if that's what it takes to get free and safe.

A couple of months non-payment won't cause a huge amount of damage in the long run. It will give you time and money for a deposit on somewhere and to see a solicitor so you can get the ball rolling to sell the property.

Your priority must be to get away from this man. First and foremost.

I genuinely wish you the very best of luck with this. You need to see a solicitor. Tomorrow if possible.

waltermittymistletoe Tue 27-Nov-12 15:50:24

*well if he won't leave

Cannot type today!

Bettyintheburbs Tue 27-Nov-12 20:53:12

Just go. Houses aren't homes if we're not happy in them. Lawyers can sort it all out without you continuing to live there. Your happiness matters more than anything, so get packing.

MrsMorton Tue 27-Nov-12 21:31:40

Betty, I know deep down that's what I need to do. Thank you. It's still not easy though, I know that's what will happen though.

Inertia Tue 27-Nov-12 21:35:48

If you're not worried about being in immediate danger of physical violence, your best bet would be to see a solicitor before agreeing to anything. Your husband has been messing with your head for so long that you have no confidence in your own judgement on home/ relationship matters. Do you have a trusted friend or relative that could come along to solicitors meetings and take notes for you?

I certainly wouldn't go down the road of defaulting on the mortgage, because that's certainly something that could come back and bite you.

Do you really want to stay in the house? Or will it just turn into something else which allows him control over you after you've split? Being financially independent is an advantage that many women in your position don't have , so don't waste the opportunities that this provides you with.

I'm glad you've made the decision to protect your wellbeing. Yes, you were both wrong to have the affair and break up the family- but that mistake doesn't have to become a lifelong cascade of guilt and suffering emotional abuse; you're making great strides with ending the mistake.

Charbon Tue 27-Nov-12 23:44:29

I'd second the advice about going to a solicitor. Can you get a recommendation through work and try to see someone during work time or during a lunch break?

I honestly think that talking to someone who is paid to advise you about your legal rights will strengthen your resolve. You've got more than enough grounds for unreasonable behaviour. If he won't leave and you decide to, AFAIK you can get a legal charge put on the house to protect it as an asset of the marriage, but a lawyer would advise more.

oohlaalaa Thu 29-Nov-12 11:22:52

On paper it makes sense for him to move out, but is he a reasonable man?

Do you think you could move out, and serve him with legal papers for the property to be sold?

Selling the property would be a clean break.

Ormiriathomimus Thu 29-Nov-12 11:38:17

Of course you don't deserve it FFS!

I think you need to have a good long chat with him and tell him that you can't live like this. I am sure that there are insecurities on both sides due to the way the relationship started but they need to be addressed properly by both of you.

Ormiriathomimus Thu 29-Nov-12 11:39:58

Read more now. God he sounds vile! You did his ex a service...

MrsMorton Thu 29-Nov-12 12:54:55

I'm not certain he would be reasonable about this. I have a plan that I think would suit us both from a practical perspective.

I had to re-read this thread today to strengthen my resolve because he's being nice and it reminds me of some really good times we had.

Then I remember him storming off when we were on holiday in Mexico because I had men as friends on Facebook. Obviously I don't have a Facebook account now, (I don't really want one in any case).

waltermittymistletoe Thu 29-Nov-12 15:18:42

(I don't really want one in any case)

But that's beside the point, isn't it?!

I'm glad you've strenghtened your resolve because it's all too easy for them to suck you back in with a little kindness. They pull you donw that much that scraps of decency make you think it's not so bad.

He can probably sense you pulling away and that's why he's doing it.

Honestly, he's an utter bastard and even utter bastards can be nice some of the time.

Have you spoken to a solicitor? You're doing really well.

MrsMorton Thu 29-Nov-12 15:40:38

Not yet. Work has been bonkers but I have emailed some counsellors so looking forward to checking my emails when I'm back in the office.

Need to stay strong and remember the bad times as well. If I said to him about FB he would probably say "well have an account then" but like you said that's not the point. He doesn't get it.

I actually got the slow train home yesterday because I didn't really want to go home.

waltermittymistletoe Thu 29-Nov-12 17:04:15

Well done for contacting counsellors. It will be really good for you.

There's no big rush on the solicitor either so you do it in your own time!

I think it's so sad that you feel that way about your own home. And it's things like that that make me sure leaving is the right thing for you!

Just hold on to the thought that life will be so much better when you're free of this stuff. smile

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Thu 29-Nov-12 17:18:51

Wishing you the strength you need MrsM

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