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Wife doesn't love me anymore

(277 Posts)
Lostdad31 Fri 19-Oct-12 06:36:57

My wife and I have been married for 2 years, and together for 5. We have 2 amazing little ones, a little girl who's almost 2 and a half, and our little man who's coming up to 8 months. We have the perfect family...or so I thought.

She recently told me she's become confused, and has lost something. She said she doesn't love me anymore. She's adamant it's nothing I've done, she told me I'm the perfect husband and the perfect father but her feelings have just changed. I was completely devastated! If it wasn't for the kids she would already have left, but she said she'll give it some time for their sakes. I was obviously very confused and subsequently looked at her phone - I know I shouldn't of but I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. There were texts on their between my wife and someone from her work, very flirty messages about her picturing him in the shower, and wanting to meet up etc. Needless to say I was broken. Our relationship has always been perfect, and I never thought she could betray and hurt me this way. She says nothing has happened, and it's just flirting, which she realises she shouldn't have done and is really sorry for. Apparently it's a sympton not the cause.

But now I'm just lost. I'm constantly on the verge of tears, and I look at the kids and imagine our perfect family being broken up and it kills me.

I've told her I will do anything I can to make it work, I still love her so very much I ache. Everytime I think of her flirting with this other man it feels like a stab through my heart, but I've convinced myself that if I can reawaken her feelings and feel loved again then I can trust her again. Am I deluding myself? Part of me feels like she's already made her decision and this period of giving it some time is to allay her guilt.

Help me!

Lostdad31 Mon 31-Dec-12 21:46:36

Happy new year everyone. Here's to a better 2013! x

ProphetOfDoom Mon 31-Dec-12 21:51:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lostdad31 Mon 31-Dec-12 22:28:21

Evening in. Kids upstairs, wife out. Just me and a bottle of rioja!

ProphetOfDoom Mon 31-Dec-12 22:59:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lostdad31 Tue 01-Jan-13 00:35:11

New year, new beginning and all that. Taken my wedding ring off. A small step I know, but an important one. Happy new year wine

ThePathanKhansWitch Tue 01-Jan-13 00:42:32

Happy New year to you. I,ve lurked on this thread, glad to hear you sound in a better place.

Maybe a namechange? LostandFoundDad?
Happy New Year.

nothruroad Tue 01-Jan-13 00:58:18

I hope this is a good year for you Lostdad. You sound like a lovely man and I really wish you strength for the months ahead. A big step tonight taking the ring off - well done. All the best.

HappyNewSkyebluesapphire Tue 01-Jan-13 03:10:46

Lostdad - all the best to you. Keep posting here for support, we are all with you xx

Lostdad31 Wed 09-Jan-13 20:50:51

Well, a progress report. I'm doing ok...i think. New year brought with it some optimism and some positive steps, like removing my ring. I also had a couple of epiphanies that helped. One of the main things that bothered me was 'why?', it real gnawed at me. But following new year it became clear to me that, at this moment, it doesn't matter. What had happened - that my wife thought there were problems in our marriage, rather than telling me about them and talking to me she sought comfort in a guy at work, by the time I knew there was a problem it was too late - was all I needed to know. Why wasn't important. The other thing that became clearer for me was that she doesn't deserve me! She obviously wasn't the person I thought she was, I deserve better than someone that deceitful and untrustworthy. These two realisations combined made me feel in a much better position to move forward, and I truely want to.

However the thing that keeps dragging me down is simple jealousy. And I feel so stupid, because part of me its saying, she doesn't deserve me, but part of me is crying at the thought of her with someone else. And small things really get to me. Since we've seperated she spends longer putting her makeup on before going out, she's keeping her legs shaved (she always use to borrow my electric razor when they got to long, whereas now there is always a razor and cream out), she's buying lacey pants, her finger and toe nails are always painted. I realise all classic signs that if she's not already seeing him, she's got major plans to. And I hate it! And I also can't help thinking why she didn't make those efforts for me!! Is that a stupid thing to fixate on??

So as you can probably tell I feel like I've taken a couple of steps forward only to take some back. I know I just need to distance myself, to that end I've lined up a nice 2 bed flat, so a room for the kids. I know a lot of you think I shouldn't move out but I can't stay in this house. I'm hoping that if I don't have to see her every day then I can make more positive steps forward, without the steps back.

Skyebluesapphire Wed 09-Jan-13 21:15:59

Hi there, glad you are do reasonably ok. As I have said before, your story is identical to mine, I could have written above exactly what you have said... The "why" eats away at me too, why didnt he talk to me, why did he turn to her, why why why.

But like you say, why is irrelevant. The important thing is that they betrayed us. Its a chicken and egg story. Did they turn to OW/OM because they were unhappy in the marriage, or did they become unhappy in the marriage because they met OW/OM.....

We will never know the truth, there is no point in torturing ourselves over it.

My XH moved out, changed his aftershave, bought a whole new wardrobe of clothes, starting trimming his nose and ear hair! (whenever I suggested it, he said there was no point...). But of course OW 17 years younger than him, suggested all these things to smarten him up and he jumped at it...

I think that your W now sees herself as a single person, and therefore she is making that extra effort that a single person does. I know myself, that I have changed my hairstyle, waxed my eyebrows, etc, since XH left....

I know that people have advised you not to move out, but if you feel that you need to do that in order to move on, then it is probably best for you to do that. Only you know how you feel.

Just make sure that you set up a routine for access to the children as soon as you are settled, so that they know asap when they will see you. Get them involved in choosing things for their bedroom and let them keep toys and clothes there, to help them feel at home

I think that you are doing really well. you still have a way to go, but you are doing well.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 09-Jan-13 21:37:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lostdad31 Wed 09-Jan-13 21:57:47

The kids don't know. Youngest is only 10 months so obviously not an issue. Will try and explain it to our eldest, she's 2 and a half, going on 15 smile I like the idea of her picking curtains/mat etc for their room. To make her feel involved and make it feel like her second home.

ProphetOfDoom Wed 09-Jan-13 22:17:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lostdad31 Wed 09-Jan-13 22:23:37

I think it'll be closer to 60/40

Skyebluesapphire Wed 09-Jan-13 23:32:14

My XH got OW to decorate his house and pick out stuff for DD, so that was a bit sad but her room there is very pretty as XH sent me a picture of it. Then I went through her toys and books with her and she chose things to take and leave there.

I also gave him a supply of socks, pants and vests to keep there, along with wellies, trainers, coat. So the essentials are always there, along with toothbrush, hairbrush etc. It helps her feel at home and obviously saves swapping it backwards and forwards all the time.

He took her shopping and bought her some pyjamas for her to keep there too, and a dressing gown.

She is 4yo and still asks when Daddy is going to come and live back home again with us, so she doesnt understand the bigger picture, but she understands that we live apart and she seems happy when she is with him.

Your two are so young, it will be difficult for them to understand to start with and you may not have them overnight initially, depends on what you and your W agree obviously, but you are obviously a loving father.

Jux Thu 10-Jan-13 01:29:38

Well done, you are moving forward in the most important ways. Jealousy will sort itself out and is subject to time, though you'll find it easier once you're no longer living there and witnessing it everyday.

Please do consult a solicitor before you do actually move out. It won't stop you, but just check out your position. There may be some things you need to establish before you go, or something. Just cover your back, please?

alias71 Thu 10-Jan-13 15:40:00

Lostdad31, my situation is almost identical to yours (albeit mine is a tad more complicated) so I certainly empathise with your predicament.

It goes to show how consistent human behaviour is.

I wish you all the best and keep us in touch with how you are feeling. I may struggle, because of my situation, to offer you comfort or good advice but there are plenty of people here who will and can.

NewYearNewMia Fri 11-Jan-13 13:37:58

LostDad glad to hear you're feeling a bit stronger and more positive now. You are absolutely right of course - the key thing is not 'why?', but that she didn't address any of these issues with you and try to work on the relationship.

It's a daily torture to be sharing a roof with her and seeing her do all these things you mention. The sooner you are in your own space, the better for your mental health, I think. I agree with taking legal advice before doing so though.

Good luck. Keep posting.

Lostdad31 Sat 19-Jan-13 14:54:59

Feeling a bit rubbish this week, can't really put my finger on why. Had my first proper counsellor session thursday, went ok, I'm not expecting any great revelations, it's just somewhere to offload I think. Found out wife is on the pill again, which she hasn't been since before our first little one. So yet more confirmation she's seeing this guy. It's amazing how she spends the night at her female friends house and suddenly lacy underwear ends up in the wash. It's as if she thinks I'm stupid, I just wish she would be honest, I think it would make it easier if I knew for sure (even though I think I do). But then I get annoyed for even being bothered by it!

Should be moving into the flat the start of february, cannot wait now - which makes me feel guilty as I won't be with the kids all the time. I've also got an appointment next week with solicitors, just to get some advice.

Been pretty lonely this week, and found myself registering on an online dating website. I don't really know why, I never have before. I'm not ready for anything obviously, but maybe just as an ego boost. I guess it would be nice if people showed an interest. Is that a bit crazy?

izzyizin Sat 19-Jan-13 15:22:24

It would be a bit crazy to sign yourself up to the vagaries of OD at this point in time.

Get yourself established in your new flat and set about building a rl social network before you give any consideration to meeting women off t'internet.

When you're coming from a place of emotional need it's all too easy to fall victim to those who aren't what they initially appear to be and to beat yourself up if you appear to fall short of the expectations of others.

Instead of looking to others to give you an ego boost, set to work strengthening your self-esteem and sense of self-worth through counselling and self-help books/guides, and read this board regularly so that you can gain some perspective on your own situation.

If you feel your social life is not all it could be in say, a month or so's time, join this long-going, ongoing, thread - the title of which changes according to the whim of whoever elects to continue it but it's never far from the top of this board - and ask for advice on creating a profile that will attract keepers rather than pond life losers.

It may be a good idea for you to lurk for a while or read some of the back numbers - you'll learn a lot!

TheFallenNinja Sat 19-Jan-13 15:25:06

Brother, once it's gone it ain't coming back. No amount of time/effort will help. Suck it up, protect yourself and get on.

Reference: been there, tried it, failed miserably. She just didn't want me anymore.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 19-Jan-13 15:30:29

Hi there. Sorry you've been feeling down but sadly all part of the emotional roller coaster sad

Counselling will help, like you say, it's somewhere to offload, to try and understand what's happening. Sadly like you DO know what is happening. Your wife's head has been turned by somebody else. You are doing the right thing in moving out although I know of course you will miss your children, but she is rubbing your nose in it while you stay there.

Just try and remain dignified, and do not let her take you for an idiot.

Joining online dating seems to be par for the course, but don't go on any dates until you are ready to move on. I joined one but am not actively looking for anybody. I went on one date and just felt sad because he wasnt XH and bizarrely I felt like I was cheating on XH.....

Stay strong. You are doing really well.

Daddelion Sat 19-Jan-13 15:32:12

Personally I wouldn't move out, until the finances and contact are sorted properly.

I've seen fathers end up as the peripheral parent, every other weekend and very little involvement.

Lostdad31 Sat 19-Jan-13 15:39:10

That won't be me. Our rosters at work are sorted. Little ones will be at mine at least 2 nights during the week, and every other weekend.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 19-Jan-13 15:56:22

Lost dad, your devotion to your children is evident and I truly hope it stays that wAy. My XH didnt think he could have kids and worshipped DD but still walked out on her.

Now he puts OW first, went on holiday with her and her H instead of having his DD for extra days in the summer holidays. We have just gone EOW and he won't commit to seeing her in the week so will not see her for two weeks at a time.

Your children will love and appreciate you as they grow up as long as they see you regularly and you don't let them down. My XH thinks that taking DD to soft play is spending quality time with her....

Just do the best that you can for your kids and you will all be ok.

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