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My fault for being tired and stressed?

(101 Posts)
incidentalcontinental Thu 11-Oct-12 14:14:33

Me and my fiance haven't had sex since the 17th of September and my only excuse, apart from being away for a week with my friend, is that I'm just bloody knackered and stressed and, at the end of the day, just don't feel up to it. I'm also on quite a high dose of anti-depressants, which I know doesn't help. The stress and tiredness are coming from the fact that we're getting married in a fortnight and I'm trying to get as much of my PhD done before we go away on honeymoon as possible. Before all this, we were doing it 1-2 times per week, and our sex life was good. I thought this was fine, but he said it was nowhere near that much (I beg to differ). He's a good, kind man, but I hate the way he is when I don't respond to sexual advances. If I'm trying to sleep and he starts making moves on me and I don't respond, he just turns the other way and huffs really loudly. This morning he was really in a mood with me and said we've got a big problem.

I understand that he needs love and intimacy as much as any of us, but I feel really upset that he's getting angry for me for being tired. What am I meant to do? When I'm so knackered I can barely walk to bed? Just man up and get on with it for his sake? I feel that's wrong, but I know he feels I don't want him. I'm sure I'll feel better soon, but right now I don't know what to say or do. Any advice would be appreciated. I'm 27.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 14:21:53

Oh dear. And you're marrying this man? You are not a sex toy. You are entitled to feel tired and stressed from time to time and not have some idiot badgering you into sex when you don't want it. You're looking at a lifetime together now. A lifetime in which you're going to hit all kinds of patches where one or other of you is tired, stressed or just not feeling in the mood. You're meant to love each other and that means being caring and considerate.... not just humping twice weekly. If he can't do better than childish huffiness and bad moods because he hasn't had sex for a couple of weeks then I'm sorry but he's the one with the big problem.

NEVER 'man up and get on with it'.... there's a word for that and it's not pretty.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 14:25:33

You might want to read this thread Many similarities.

incidentalcontinental Thu 11-Oct-12 14:31:06

Thanks Cogito - I feel there's enough good in the relationship for us to stay together, but I need to find a way of telling him I don't appreciate his behaviour.

dreamingbohemian Thu 11-Oct-12 14:32:41

Your fiance is being ridiculous. Seriously, he can't handle a couple weeks without sex? I assume you've explained everything to him, how tired you are, the anti-Ds, everything, so he must know it's not him. He should be supportive of you when you're stressed, not making things worse by acting like a spoiled brat.

You really need to sort this. You're getting married, he needs to understand that there may be times when there won't be sex for weeks or months and he'll have to deal with it like an adult. No sulking!

Do you have other problems in the relationship? Because it's hard to imagine a really good partner acting this way...

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 14:35:02

You tell him absolutely straight down the line. "No means no and if you can't deal with that with good grace and some consideration for my feelings, you can take a hike".

hildebrandisgettinghappier Thu 11-Oct-12 14:35:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 11-Oct-12 14:42:25

I need to find a way of telling him I don't appreciate his behaviour.

"Fiancé, yesterday you made moves on me but I was not in the mood so I turned you down. You huffed and the time and are now saying we have a big problem. I feel this is unfair: My problems are that I am on ADs, and stressing about my PhD and wedding prep. I need you to understand that I cannot have sex on demand, and that there are stressful things going on right now that are killing my mojo. I find your sulking dispiriting, as I am a human being, and not an object for your sexual pleasure. There will be times when I am not in the mood, and I need you to respect that."

Now, whether he takes your feelings on board is an entirely different matter, and entirely down to him: you can never make another person see things the way you would like you to see them. Even if it would be the good and right thing for him to do: if he wants to sulk and huff because he feels entitled to sex, then he will sulk and huff because he feels entitled to sex. Up to you how long you choose to stay around such a man.

Good luck with the PhD.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 14:47:20

HotDAMN. A correction, if I may. The OP doesn't have 'problems' really. Like millions of people the world over all she is simply tired and wants to get in bed and go to sleep. The real 'problem' she has is the nasty little bugger in the bed with her, feeling her up and sulking because he thinks he owns her fanny ... and who, in two weeks' time, will think a ring on his finger seals the deal. confused

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 11-Oct-12 14:51:41

I tend to agree, cogito.

solidgoldbrass Thu 11-Oct-12 15:26:31

Don't marry him, dump him. Then you should be able to come off the ADs. What is often labelled depression in women should be more accurately labelled 'living with a man who considers women less than human.' That's what's happening to you.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 11-Oct-12 15:39:01

OP, really think twice about marrying this sexist entitled arse.

OxfordBags Thu 11-Oct-12 15:39:42

SGB hits the nail on the head yet again. Depression and a wide range of illnesses, physical and mental often seem to magically lift or lessen when women get free from a certain relationship. Your mind and body know that there is something wrong and become illness when you ignore those feelings or don't comprehend what they are. One of the very reasons why women have been labelled hysterical for centuries is that they were simply depressed and exhausted from being trapped in awful marriages with men who society trained to be self-centred and controlling. They had no choice, but you do!

A 'good, kind man' doesn't get angry if you are tired. He doesn't try to feel you up as you're sleeping or trying to sleep and then get the huff when, surprise surprise, you want to keep sleeping. He doesn't make you feel guilty and he certainly doesn't make you responsible for his happiness and emotions, which is what he is doing. Yes, he needs love and affection, but A) why does that have to be in the form of sex that you clearly don't want and B) what about HIM giving YOU love and affection? This selfish guy doesn't seem to care much about that, so long as he can get his rocks off. And that shows that it is not about sexual desire or wanting to feel close to you, it's a form of control, possession and making you responsible for his feelings (classic abuse red flags). If it was about horniness, he'd just go off and have a wank privately, like any normal person with a partner who wasn't up for it.

I would put the marriage on hold, at the very least. If he's like this even before you're wed, just imagine what he'll be like a few years down the line, you've got a whirlwind toddler and a baby stuck like a limpet to your boob, you're barely sleeping, you're givinggivinggiving all day long to your Dc, what is this bloke going to be like when you have zero sex drive and when, some days, cuddling another adult just feels like another chore after being clung to all day?! He sounds like the sort of man who would be sulky and demanding about waiting a certain amount of time before resuming your sex life after birth and expect you to put his needs above those of any children, never mind your own.

OneMoreChap Thu 11-Oct-12 16:17:43

He's no right to sex with you. Please don't have sex with him to keep him quiet.

He may well feel that in a relationship he'd be happier if his partner shared his sex drive... that may well not be you, I noticed there seems to be disagreement

we were doing it 1-2 times per week, and our sex life was good. I thought this was fine, but he said it was nowhere near that much

Perhaps you'd both be happier with someone else? It certaiinly sounds as if he's not very thoughtful.

OxfordBags
If it was about horniness, he'd just go off and have a wank privately,
Now that's an odd thing to say. Do you have some issues about masturbation? There's no reason why he has to go off somewhere private - it's a perfecftly natural thing.

dreamingbohemian
he needs to understand that there may be times when there won't be sex for weeks or months and he'll have to deal with it like an adult

If that's the case, he needs to be made aware of it certainly.
Lots of people of both sexes might have issues with no sex for months

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 16:19:37

"Now that's an odd thing to say."

You wank in public?

OneMoreChap Thu 11-Oct-12 16:24:32

CogitoErgoSometimes

You wank in public?

Do you mean I leave the bed I'm in with my wife and go and hide in the toilet?
No, it's normal; if I'm horny, and want to masturbate I will.
As would my wife. We may decide to do something else, but not if one or the other is tired or not feeling up to it.

Do you and any partner hide your masturbation from each other?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 16:33:00

Put it this way, I can't actually recall an evening where he would have said 'you carry on reading your Kindle, love, I'm just going to crack one off over here... don't mind me....' hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 16:36:04

BTW... someone wanking alongside you in the bed when you've said 'no thanks' to full intercourse and are trying to get a few zzz's isn't a lot better than being groped and fondled.... Unwanted sexual behaviour whether it's self-inflicted or not is still unwanted.

OneMoreChap Thu 11-Oct-12 16:43:00

So you mean yes, he hides his masturbation from you. OK, that's fine.

Different people have different approaches.

Oh, and your second snidey post - judgmental much?

If I'm not up for sex, I'm more than happy to help/watch/ignore DW, and I'd think it very odd if I shamed her into going to another room. She wouldn't expect me to either. But then, we both like sex...

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 16:47:08

So how does your embrace of open masturbation help the poor OP cope with the situation where she is utterly fatigued but being pestered by her nasty little fiance for sex? Are you suggesting she should roll over and tell him to have a wank but keep the noise down because she's trying to sleep?

incidentalcontinental Thu 11-Oct-12 16:57:10

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. OneMoreChap I can actually understand what you're saying by pointing out that many people would have issues with no sex for months (though this has not happened in our case yet) but equally I agree with all of the other posters who say that he should not under any circumstances be making me feel bad about not wanting sex right now. I just wonder if two people who get on very well (everywhere except the bedroom at the moment), make each other laugh and are generally supportive and considerate of each other can have a successful relationship if their sex drives don't match? I love the time we spend together so much, it's just the bloody sex thing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 11-Oct-12 17:05:42

I wouldn't think in terms of matching sex drives. You've clearly been fairly compatible sexually up to now but you've hit a stressful time and you need some space. What he's exhibiting, therefore, is not a mismatched sex-drive but an inability to empathise with your feelings or show consideration or understanding purely because he wants sex.... that's quite a different thing. And it's really not a good character trait.

OneMoreChap Thu 11-Oct-12 20:07:27

CogitoErgoSometimes

I do try, really, really hard to be polite.

Let's try this.

OxfordBags
said
If it was about horniness, he'd just go off and have a wank privately, like any normal person with a partner who wasn't up for it.

so I said to OB

Now that's an odd thing to say. Do you have some issues about masturbation? There's no reason why he has to go off somewhere private - it's a perfecftly natural thing.

You stuck your beak in and said You wank in public? - obviously a snide comment, because that's obviously not what the context suggests.

I pick you up on it .^ Do you and any partner hide your masturbation from each other?^

You confirm that and then make unwarranted suppositions, making yourself - frankly - a bit ridiculous
someone wanking alongside you in the bed when you've said 'no thanks' to full intercourse and are trying to get a few zzz's isn't a lot better than being groped and fondled.... Unwanted sexual behaviour whether it's self-inflicted or not is still unwanted.

Which I point out, relatively politely.

You then have another go So how does your embrace of open masturbation help the poor OP cope with the situation where she is utterly fatigued but being pestered by her nasty little fiance for sex? Are you suggesting she should roll over and tell him to have a wank but keep the noise down because she's trying to sleep? suggesting I'm talking to the OP.

When, in fact, since I provide context for what I say, you can see what I said to OP was:

He's no right to sex with you.

Please don't have sex with him to keep him quiet.

I noticed there seems to be disagreement

Perhaps you'd both be happier with someone else? It certaiinly sounds as if he's not very thoughtful.

I'm trying to help the OP, and engaging with another poster.
You - are having a pop at a poster, me. Well done.

Perhaps you'd rather not respond to my posts; me, I'm happy to talk to anyone. Politely, I'll add.

dreamingbohemian Fri 12-Oct-12 13:25:01

OMC -- yes, sometimes couples have to go without sex for weeks or months. It happens. DH and I didn't have sex for six months once, as I was really sick when pregnant and then had a section. Perhaps I'm biased about this, because he's a great guy and never once made me feel bad about it, but I really think this is the kind of thing a person should be able to deal with maturely. That doesn't mean be happy about it, but not give the other person a hard time if it's because they are struggling.

Yes, it's not fair if one person just says no sex and doesn't explain and there's no real reason. But the OP is struggling with a lot, her partner knows this, and yet he is still pestering her. That's a pretty shite thing to do and I agree with Cogito, that's not just mismatched sex drives, it's a real lack of empathy and support.

OxfordBags Fri 12-Oct-12 15:50:19

OMC, if you were trying tohelp the poster, you wouldn't be nitpicking over wording and having Handbags At Dawn style whines at other posters who take issue with things you've said. Totally hijacking the thread with your 'how very dare you' nonsense.

And Cogito is right - your fella wanking next to you (or perhaps announcing that he's off to the bathroom for one) when you've said no to sex is shitty behaviour ranging from 'being a pathetic twat' to abusive, depending on all the factors, so yeah, that's why I said in private. Thinking someone should be thoughtful and tactful is not me having a sexual hang-up. Or, if it is, I'm happy to have it.

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