We have been together for 5 years and have two DC under 4. If I was to follow Mumsnet advice, I would have divorced him long time ago. I am main earner, main decision maker the one with most household duties. He earns little, is studying part time and is trying to pursue his career, while looking after our DC 3 days in a week. He is a not good parent (not consistent, lets DC watch too much TV so he can sit on computer, does not take them out). He is a bit boring as companion, does not talk much, does not make jokes, and does not engage well into conversations. We hardly spend any time together (partially because he works shifts). Also, I caught him on dating website recently, but his activity there was random and looked more out of curiosity, and it seems to have died out.
I liked in the beginning because he was and is hardworking (when he has a proper job), very tidy, neat, not demanding towards me in any manner, not going out with friends, a bit shy and not flirty manner, cleans after himself, takes care after children?s basic needs without reminding (nappy, food, bathing), complies with whatever rules I set in the house, gives the share of money that I ask (I ask a reasonable amount). Our sex life is regular and not bad (not very exciting though).
Basically, when I say it out loudly, he seems useless. I used to argue with him about it a lot, but I have learnt to detach myself emotionally, make decisions on my own and ask for his help where needed (should ask even more though). It sounds like a single motherhood, but I almost enjoy it, having all the responsibility for decisions. He is out for night work 3-4 nights a week, and I enjoy that time to my own. When he is in, I don?t mind, it is nice to have someone around for a small bit of conversation (actually we are both quiet people) or getting some help with children. We do not argue anymore, because I let him function on his own (most of time) and he usually helps when asked. He cooks, washes and irons for himself (we like different foods). On rare occasions we go out together to a restaurant or another town, but more likely I would leave DC with him and enjoy my cup of tea with a female friend.
He has broken my trust on couple occasions regarding money (like taking too many credit cards for whatever reason), but it didn?t do any material harm to me and hasn?t taken any further, and am just not interested in his financial matters anymore. We have separate budgets, the house is mortgaged on my name, I gladly put aside some odd money to my savings account, and I?d rather don?t know about his debts, if any (I suspect some few hundreds debt on his credit cards).
So we function fine, albeit mostly separate, on daily basis. Obviously DC enjoy having daddy around and they do no see any arguments or odd silences. I do not suffer emotionally (in an obvious way), but I understand that my expectations of having a family were different, and this is not how a family should be. I think I still have some feelings for him, but not sure whether is more sympathy or love. He has long term medical condition which could make his life shorter, and also he is still struggling to pursue his career. I sometimes feel sorry for him but this is not what keeps me with him. I just find it convenient. I don?t want to harm children. I think for breaking the marriage, you have to have a major reason, or feel really unhappy. I convinced myself, that if I am truly not happy, I will divorce, but that moment has not come yet. I wonder if I just blocked my emotions away?
I was married once before and my marriage lasted for 6 years (no children) I cheated on my xDH on several occasions. I was behaving immature and irresponsible. xDH forgave me, but later we split up (other reasons). One thing I realised that I was making mistakes and my xDH was kind enough not to dump me then. I learned a lot and became a responsible family person. Now, I can see that my DH is making lots of mistakes, but I just think that he has to learn in his own way? We will probably never be the most compatible people, but I don?t mind, as long as we have something in common and allow each other breath.
I am a bit afraid that I am blinding myself and wasting my time for something that could be fundamentally wrong. Have I put blanket on my eyes, or there are some of you who managed to live in a similar way, or came out the better way? Please share your thoughts.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Am I the only here who has put blanket on eyes and chosen to stay in troublesome marriage for the sake of children?
confusedperson · 12/10/2011 11:04
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