He has given his mother all our savings

[westernshores]

Hi everyone. I wasn't sure if I should add to my previous thread here or make a new one. It's a new issue (or is it?) so here goes.

We've had one conselling session, which wasn't especially productive but I was glad we did it. We had a nice night out together - he arranged it, got a babysitter etc - where we did a lot of chatting and had a good time as a couple. This weekend just gone we did lovely things as a family - again, his idea (daytrip etc). He didn't touch alcohol, get snarky, do/say anything snide. I was really hopeful that I'd shocked him into assessing his behaviour.

This morning he told me he'd given his mother his inheritance from his grandmother (£60,000), instead of paying it into the mortgage as he'd told me. His mother said that grandmother would've left it to her anyway had she known about MIL's financial situation and H thought that was reasonable. MIL used the money to repay business debts and a huge tax bil of FILs.

This was 'some months ago' (must be a year plus). He did not consult me at any point and although he says he was intending to tell me and looking for the right time, I just can't believe that. I suspect something has happened which means it would be obvious that the money was not used as he said - perhaps the mortgage deal has run out? H is the only name on the mortgage and is in finance so I - stupidly - haven't done anything other than take his word for it over the years.

He said "essentially it was my money and I felt this was the best use for it".

We'll never get it back as MIL is remortgaged to the hilt and retiring and BIL has disabilities which will need supporting once MIL and FIL pass away. Not that them repaying us was ever mentioned.

MIL and FIL have clearly colluded in this as nothing has ever been said to me.

Is this why he was so keen to live abroad and sell the house/rent it out?

I was almost speechless as he was telling me - and then he fucked off to work and said we'd talk later. I can't stop thinking about what a difference that money was supposed to make to the DCs.

I am literally torn - is this why he's been so aggressive and horrible? The stress of covering up this situation? Does he deserve compassion here? Or is it proof that he doesn't think me worth considering at all?

I feel like... actually I don't feel like anything, I just feel sick.

[westernshores]

Actually my title says it all doesn't it. I thought it was our savings, he thought it was his money.

[jeee]

The cynic in me thinks that he's trying to protect 'his' money in case of divorce. I hope I'm wrong.

[buzzsore]

If his aggression/nastiness began around the time he did it, it's a fair bet it was the stress of this decision that partly caused it - but it's no excuse. It must be a hell of a shock to you .

Can you come back from this? It's a massive thing to exclude you from entirely. I can understand why he did it for his parents, as it should really have gone to them, I'd have thought, but not to tell you anything about it? It's hugely disrespectful.

[corygal]

Mmm, me too. Or he's thinking if you split he doesn't want you to see a penny, so he'd rather give the lot away, even to MIL who can't pay it back.

I think his words 'essentially, it's my money' are, if anything, more worrying though. That doesn't show a husbandly or fatherly attitude.

But I bet he'll argue about that.

If I were you, I would focus on the fact that giving the money away means he has denied his children a significant boost to their future. He's got no defence against that serious accusation.

[Succubi]

I think that there are two distinct issues. The first is the fact that he didn't discuss with you first his desire/intent to give the inheritance to his parents. The second issue is the actual giving of the money.

I can't really say whether the second of the two is right or wrong as in his shoes maybe I would have done the same thing if I knew my parents were in trouble financially. The first (not to consult with you at all) is not what being in a relationship is about. It is an important decision that impacts your dcs lives and he should have discussed it with you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Would actually say that joint counselling is a no no here due to the ongoing abuse he has meted out. You need counselling solely for your own self and without him at your own sessions.

You have not shocked him at all into reassessing his behaviour; such men do not change fundamentally.

I don't think you will ever get to the heart of actually why he is and has behaved as he does.

Don't let your children grow up with such a man for a Dad. Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. Your own childhood conditioned you to being with such a problematic man now:(.

[westernshores]

No it seems pretty clear that his 'gestures' in the past week were probably just to 'sweeten me up' for this revelation.

I have a strong feeling that something is happening - maybe he's got into debt (we've had the same outgoings so the lack of this money must've been absorbed somehow, or perhaps the mortgage payments fell and hid it and are now rising again?) - which has forced this 'confession'. And that the secondment abroad was his get-out clause, like he could disguise this in the sale or rental of the house.

I remember the tax bill of FIL's, H told me about it in a "oh my god you won't believe what FIL has done now" way. We had long talks about it, I remember saying FIL should declare himself bankrupt as there was no way they could repay it. Jesus. That was 18 months ago if I recall correctly.

Whatever was done wasn't done recently - I've been on internet banking checking H's account and our joint account. The £60,000 goes in then out again in two lots of £30,000 (H were advised to do this), into savings accounts with other providers. I don't know the login details for those accounts.

[Pagwatch]

But. How can he have just given away money that may have been very valuable to his dcs?

The fact that he sees it as his money would be a huge problem for me. I see our marriage as a partnership and to have one partner do something so huge without any discussion is absurd.

I would be completely reassessing my relationship. I would find it hard to believe that he had any respect for me or the dcs if he did such a thing.

The money isn't even really the point. It is the failure to see your viewpoint as relevant.

[Amateurish]

He should not have lied to you.

However, it is his money and it is his right to give it to his parents if he so chooses. And objectively, it's a very selfless act to give away all of that money to rescue his parents from their financial situation.

[Seabright]

Whilst I feel that inheritances are slightly seperate to "normal" family money, I can't see how making a unilateral decision about that much money, wherever it came from can ever be right.

BTW, I'm not sure giving it away it would protect the money in the event of a divorce. In other circumstances the Inland Revenue and Benefits Agency can and do decide that a person has intentially deprived themself of assets, so disregard gifts which they feel fall into this catagory.

I also wonder if his Gran intentially didn't leave the money to your MIL, as she seems to be pretty crap with money

[Pagwatch]

I am odd then

I don't get the 'it's his money' thing.

If I win the lottery then it is our money. If I get an inheritance, it is our money. Ditto dh. We are a partnership.

[fuckmepinkandcallmerosie]

He's getting the money out so you can't touch it if you divorce.

Arsehole.

print off the transactions from the online banking so you have a paper record and keep the copies safe.

[westernshores]

Yes, his grandmother willed her half her money to MIL's brother (no kids), and half between H and his brother, his brother's portion to be held in trust for his lifetime care after MIL passes away. The trustees include H (FIL is not either H's nor BIL's bio father).

So that seems to me a pretty clear statement that H's grandmother would not, in fact, have left money directly to MIL. It caused tension at the time, especially between MIL and her brother.

But if he'd come to me and said he wanted to give his inheritance to his mother I might've considered it. I would've advised against it as she and FIL are forever lurching from one financial disaster to another and I've always anticipated we'd be picking up the pieces, especially with BIL, in the future. But he didn't, he just did it, and then he lied about it and let me think the mortgage was much smaller than it clearly is and that we were in a more secure financial situation than we must be.

What if he's got into debt hiding this from me?

[wannaBe]

I think it is the deception rather than the money.

Interestingly enough dh and I had a conversation about this yesterday. When dh's gran dies he stands to inherit some money - not a fortune - but signifficant enough. All our money is joint - well dh earns it all anyway but ykwim), but I do actually think that inheritence is different in that the intention was there before I ever came on the scene for dh to inherit that money, and as such I do actually think that money is dh's. He says he probably would just plough it into the mortgage in the event but if he decided to go and blow it on him and only him I wouldn't see that as being an issue as it was an inheritance.

But given your dh had said that he was going to pay that money off your mortgage and then went behind your back in order to give it to his parents I can see the betrayal in that, and it would seriously make me question my whole relationship.

The truth is that the money is gone and you can't get it back. What you now need to do is assess whether you can still see a future with this man, a man who tells you one thing and then goes ahead and does something else.

[westernshores]

fuckme, he'd have to have been planning this for a long time if that was the case. I am pretty sure he doesn't anticipate a divorce.

He's done his mother a lot of favours over the years and has lent her cash in the past - he's taken out loans and she's covered the repayments before. She has always covered them though. Her business was always either doing incredibly well or atrociously. Feeling he should (or being guilted into feeling he should), give her his inheritanced I can see him doing, it's the way his mind works. But the lying to me doesn't work at all.

Should I call MIL?

[buzzsore]

I don't see what calling your MIL will achieve? What do you want to say to her?

[wannaBe]

I wouldn't. she has benefited from this but I wouldn't make her a part of it iyswim - I would keep this between you and your h.

[Amateurish]

Pagwatch you may have an agreement with your DH that that is the case, but do not assume the same is true for all. Unless you have specifically agreed that an inheritance of one of you is to be shared, the assumption is that it belongs to the person receiving it.

A lottery win is not the same thing.

I would not bring MIL into it. You need to have this out with DH.

[bejeezus]

it's just too much IMO

I get the same sense from you here as I did in your last thread- it seems you have to spend an awful lot of energy trying to work out what your H is doing and why and if it will change

too much drama...I'd opt for some peace and predictablity (it took me a long time to do it myself though)

[balia]

I would call to find out if the money went to her. If he has kept up this deception for so long you are on shifting sands. Then call the mortgage provider and find out what the situation there is and what your monthly payments are. You need to get involved with finances if you feel something is going on.

[westernshores]

You're right, I don't think anything positive would come of it. She's always going on about family though - what about the DCs!

I do hear what some people are saying about inheritances being different from eg wages etc. I agree actually - but it's the not telling me. And the lying. H and MIL and FIL must've got together and worked all this out and chosen to hide it from me.

And if H would've kept it secret potentially forever (or until something happened to uncover it, like wanting to release equity for the DC's uni fees or something), then... it makes it all a lie, doesn't it.

[NettleTea]

the only reason I would speak to MIL is if you suspect he has told you that he gave the money to her but really he has hidden it somewhere, and is relying on you not checking up.

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Hang on, do you know that he gave it to his mum? I mean, you said it goes into savings accounts to which you have no access. Could he not have just opened them/it in his own name?

[westernshores]

Yes. It's too much.

It's not even drama. In my younger days I thrived on a bit of drama, high emotions, battling through. I just feel really tired today. And like I am a loser for picking such a wanker.

[animula]

That's pretty awful. No wonder you're thinking "What else?" It is a huge thing to keep secret from a partner. It means you were living side by side, inhabiting two alternate realities. Though, of course, yours was based on what you thought was going on, and wasn't actually "real" because he hadn't told you about what he's done.

It is a really big thing to have, basically, lied by omission about. It means you have been planning, and acting, with completely imperfect knowledge of the RL situation.

I don't think contacting the MiL will achieve anything other than getting you more upset.

Do you think you'll raise this in the counselling session? I do wonder if you two might not want to book a few separate sessions, maybe?