My child didn’t pass the assessment for school- my fault?

[Lostmumof2]

Hi, a bit first world issue, I am very upset my daughter didn’t get into a selective private school at 3+. I just assumed she would (silly I know). I did as much as I could (I think) without pressuring her. I wanted her to get in without too much extra help if she did, but the things they tested on she just isn’t good at atm. If feel worse as she liked that school and a lot of her friends will be going. It is very competitive etc and my daughter is a very capable little girl but just can not colour to save her life!
I have always taught her to think outside the box but clearly this doesn’t help when schools want children that they can mould. Our state options are limited and she is down for another private school but it’s single sex. We also have a younger son, so it would have been very easy for him just to go the that same school etc.
I blame myself and can’t seem to see past the fog of how badley I have failed her and her brother. Both myself and hubby went to state and we are comfortable and the state private affordability is 50/50 as we are self employed so every year is different but I just feel I want a better education for my kids and the opportunity it brings without the glass ceiling. The other co-ed options are very limited and just are not worth the money in my area, so had my hopes on this one. I haven’t said anything to my daughter just that she won’t be going there as mummy and daddy do not like etc which she was confused about and said but no I liked it, which killed me. But it’s hard to hide my feelings from her, I can’t even stop crying, pathetic I know.
Anyone had a similar thing and come out the other side as atm I just can’t, I didn’t thing I would be this upset about it

[Devilishpyjamas]

If it helps years ago my son did ‘pass’ the interview for a private school (he would have started at 3 iirc). Anyway he’s now an adult - severely autistic, severely learning disabled and non-verbal.

At the same time his antenatal group friend (so they’re the exact same age) failed the test for another private school. He’s went to a state primary instead - he’s now at Oxford.

So I think those tests are rather useless tbh.

[allthegoodusernameshavegone]

Well look at it this way. A school you were willing to pay for, didn’t select your 3 yo because of her colouring in, sounds like they have done her a favour, You now have the opportunity to search for a school that will be willing to teach her and discover and help her develop what she can do well over time and not just in one test. You have definitely not failed her. Come on stop crying and move on.

[sofato5miles]

Oh you poor thing! I can completely understand where you are coming from but it is important to remember that she is three years old. Yes, three.

I have three children and by the third one understood that reception etc literally dorsn't matter. It seriously doesn't. My eldest went to 2 primaries and my second did another again until i moved them all to the same school for ease of life.

This does not mean that your daughter's academic career is over. Honestly it doesn't. She will come good and the fact that you care so much means that she is happily in the success marker of engaged parents. That is one of the biggest indicator of academic success.

[AjasLipstick]

My friend's little girl "failed" too. She got in for the year 3 intake. It's FINE OP.

Find her a lovely non selective school and look at the selective for when she's older.

[Kokeshi123]

At this age, tests tend to end up being mostly a test of how good the kid is at obeying adults.

[mathanxiety]

Children's friends come and go at 3 and they really do not notice after a few weeks that they are mixing with a whole new group.
The people who do well out of any school are those whose parents try their best to read to them and with them, provide interesting experiences for them, and talk and share their lives together. Even if you sit and talk with your child about Peppa Pig you are doing your child a favour. Make sure your child is involved in a positive way in helping around the house so she develops a solid sense of competence and thus self esteem.

You dodged a bullet. You will eventually realise this.

for now, but chin up!

[Ignoramusgiganticus]

If you are stressing now then you are going to be in for a rough ride later. I know you think you haven’t been putting pressure on her but kids pick up more than you think. Be careful in the future.

[brizzledrizzle]

Relax, she will be fine. She's dodged the bullet of stress and pressure that is many private schools.

[QuaterMiss]

If feel worse as she liked that school and a lot of her friends will be going. It is very competitive etc and my daughter is a very capable little girl but just can not colour to save her life!
I have always taught her to think outside the box but clearly this doesn’t help when schools want children that they can mould.

I think you must know that at three your DD has no business liking any particular school - and her social life is entirely under your control.

I wonder if it may be a mistake for you to embrace competitive routes to education if you find it so hard to accept that competition may mean rejection. It would be dreadful if your DD began to pick up your feelings of global failure!

You haven't taught her to 'think outside the box'! She's three. She's still discovering how to think at all. And all she needs to be learning is how to face the challenge of each new day. Which you can teach her - once you stop crying.

Point of order: finding the right school for one's child is not a 'first world problem'. I'm not sure why you think it is ...

[QuaterMiss]

(I do understand that you feel it's the worst thing that's ever happened - but honestly, it's the least important assessment she'll ever go through. And you both have such a long way to go! Think of the sleepless nights to come worrying about exams when she's in her teens or twenties - or even after that. Brush this off. It doesn't matter. Find alternatives. Keep going. )

[BrieAndChilli]

Also remember that there are only a limited amount of spaces. Just means that the 15 or whatever who got in we’re just slightly better on the day/parents donate a lot of money to the school/have siblings etc.
In another cohort she may have been top, irs all relative.

[Lostmumof2]

Thank you for the reassurance. I just feel very alone in this, we don’t have a lot of family around and they would just dismiss it anyway. My husband doesn’t understand and thinks I’m being silly. I am constantly criticised for my way of rasing my kids (I come from a pretty strict household, my kids are far from feral but they have a voice). I need to get a grip for my kids sake I know. My daughter doesn’t miss a thing. I know there is a lot more to come, I have no idea how I am going to deal with it! Stupid I know but but I just don’t want her to go through the disappointments and hardship I had to growing up, I just want her to be happy. When you get that letter it really just makes you feel like rubbish.

[QuaterMiss]

I'm not even sure I'd say better! Some other three year olds just fitted the profile the school had in mind more exactly than the OP's child. And, yes, at some other school or on some other day or with different people 'judging' the result might have been different.

It's no reflection on you or your DD OP!

[AlexaShutUp]

I have always taught her to think outside the box but clearly this doesn’t help when schools want children that they can mould.

This sentence stood out for me. It doesn't sound like your values are aligned with those of the school anyway. You clearly care about creativity, they prioritise conformity. Do you really want her to be in an environment that quashes her spirit at 3 years old?

Frankly, I think any school that assesses and rejects children at 3 years old is questionable. Perhaps you've had a lucky escape?

[Rogueone]

My DS did a 3+ test , we did nothing to prepare him as what are we meant to do? The pre school was simply looking for DC who would fit in with the current cohort. Simple as that. He couldn’t write his name and we are not tiger parents and we leave him to enjoy playing and learning through play. He got offered a spot and we have no idea how they decided as they just playing for an hour. It really does not reflect on their ‘intelligence’ at this stage and the real test is at 7+ or 11+. I do hope your not passing all your stress and sense of failure onto your poor 3yr old. I feel sorry for her and perhaps stop doing the competitive mum thing and seeing your poor DC and you as a failure. This wasn’t the right place for your DD and hopefully the next one will be. Oh and I should add my DD did a 4+ test at a sought after school and it was horrendous, she was stubborn and disinterested in performing and wanted to play with dolls. She didn’t get offered. She is 15 now and in top set Maths, Physics Chemistry so didn’t really do her any harm!

[Xenia]

It will all work out okay. My second didn't get into her sister's school at 4 but got into an even better one at 7 and they both got similar exam results (and are both London lawyers). I was scanning my 1980s diaries this week and one is all about some of those times. When the first got in I was so happy (and she did well there) but there is a lot of luck in it. Her sister who when assessed they could not find a book in the reading scheme she couldn't read (she was a very very early reader unlike my others) didn't get in (although she passed the initial assessment but not the later interview) - don't know why with a sibling there. Truiplet girls did. I always wondered if those triplets got a place she might have got.

[ProfessorMoody]

Posts like this sicken me. She's 3. THREE. Christ.

[RedSkyLastNight]

So your daughter doesn't fit the mould of whatever "standard" child this one school expects. Good for her, I say!

Your daughter did not like the school, she liked the toys or the art corner or the impressive displays. She has no idea what makes a good school. And her "friends" are the children she knows from nursery or toddler group or because you know their parents. She'll forget them in a few months if she doesn't see them.

Of course school is important, but your daughter's life course will not be set by one decision at the age of 3. If there's one way you have failed her, it's by not taking this in your stride. There will be many other things that don't go as you want them over the year, and when she gets older your DD may also make decisions you don't like.

[Flowerfae]

My DS failed the assessment to get into the school where my daughter goes, but they have said he can re-sit whenever he wants. We have actually moved him to another primary school now, as he was really unhappy in the previous one which was our reason for trying to get him into the school my daughter goes to (they had recently started a prep school) he is really happy at his new school though. DD went started the independent school from year 7 and DS will be trying again for year 7 and he's having private tuition from now to then. It really knocked DS's confidence not passing (he has very low confidence anyway) so we are leaving it for a couple of years.

[davisday]

am constantly criticised for my way of rasing my kids

So you are putting pressure on both yourself and your 3 year old to get her into this school. It won't alleviate any pressure. If you have critics nothing will ever be good enough. Stop trying to perform and tell them to back off or fuck off.

[Neolara]

Not being able to colour in at 3 says absolutely nothing whatsoever about your dd's future capabilities. Selecting at 3 must be pretty much guesswork. They probably choose the ones they think are going to be most compliant.

If it's any consolation, my dd1 almost certainly wouldn't have been selected for anything aged 3. She was a July birthday and completely dozy compared to her peers. She spent most of her time sucking her thumb and clutching her blanket. She is now in huge secondary school and has repeatedly won the prize for the best academic attainment in her year.

Really, don't give it another thought. A school that separates 3 yos into winners and loosers is just a bit shit. They'll probably kick out a number of kids who don't fit their exact mould too. Have met several parents whose kids have been asked to leave highly selective schools aged 5 as SEN became apparent. Devastating for all.

[anniehm]

Most state primaries are fine - save your money for secondary when private schools give them a far bigger advantage. My dd failed the entrance exam for nursery too, such a joke - she went to state school throughout and is at university

[pretendingtowork1]

Is this Highgate? The assessments are pretty random at that age and there is a whole industry to prepare for them. I wouldn't worry about it. Really, it's no reflection on you.

[BertrandRussell]

Who “constantly” criticizes you, OP? Get rid of whoever it is!

[Bestseller]

Surely that weren't really assessing her value as a potential student by the standard of her colouring in? Isnt that just a tool they use so they can watch her at play and make a more subjective assessment?

If they do select that way, why would you want that school?