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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

Pregnant DH is SAHD and doesn’t want another.

84 replies

Jobea91 · 17/03/2019 11:04

Feel so so stuck.
I have a 10month old daughter and work full time in a school, next year I’m meant to be working at that school + doing a PGCE and then I’ll be earning much more comfortable amount, but for these 2 years before I’m qualified money is very tight.
DH looks after DD and also works from home on a lot of different freelance jobs, he finds it very difficult sometimes but for multiple health reasons can’t go and work in an office environment and doesn’t want to use childcare until DD is older. Original plan was have second baby in around 3-5 years time.

So on Monday realised I’d been having pregnancy symptoms so took a pregnancy test thinking I was being silly, BFP, same Tuesday, then three days BFN then today a BFP again. Still preg symptoms all week.

My husband feels very stressed about me being pregnant and the idea of having to look after two babies and work from home.
I would take a long maternity leave in a heartbeat but I’ll only be able to afford 6-8 weeks.

We’ve talked a lot and he says Ive chosen a lot of big life decisions that have negatively impacted him (moving home from living abroad because I missed UK, choosing this career option which means much less money for 2 years, living I. London so I’m nearer my parents, having DD) and it’s selfish for me to keep this pregnancy when he would be the one looking after them in the day having the most difficult time. I say I’d have a difficult time getting no sleep and I do all childcare evening, night weekend and school holidays (I have DD all night and cosleep - he gets to sleep in different room) but he says I can choose for myself to make that sacrifice but can’t choose for him to sacrifice.
He said if there’s a way I can get much longer maternity leave or somehow work from home myself he would be happier to have to kid but we aren’t sure what I could do that wouldn’t drastically cut into savings or fuck up/massively delay my career.
Money is really tight at the moment and every pound is allocated, my parents know I’m pregnant and are very supportive and buy what they can to help with DD while money is tight (nappies and clothes) but they both work full time and can’t help with child care.

So I’m really not sure what to do, I feel like I’d just quit my job and live with parents to be able to look after them both myself until they’re old enough for childcare voucher help but my husband wouldn’t want to live with my parents and wouldn’t be able to afford his own rent somewhere else.

The idea of terminating this baby when I could technically figure it out and keep it makes me feel so sick and sad and reading accounts of what you go through for a termination is terrifying. I think the baby would be due in November and I’m about 6 weeks but I would just can’t imagine ever getting over it if I terminated it.
If I had a miscarriage I would be able to cope a lot better because I didn’t choose to do it if you know what I mean, I know it’s still very early and that could happen.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow.
What can I do? Am I being selfish for thinking my husband should look after them for a couple of years rather than me having to terminate? Writing that out maybe it is. Maybe I’m so sad because I know probably termination is right.
He’s also said he wouldn’t agree to anything that involves delaying career or borrowing money - and says if I need more money I just need to figure out how much and make it online. I feel like I’m going to get put in a situation where I have a termination and he framed it as being my choice because I didn’t figure out a way to make more money. Howe we he also said he might not be able to go through with it if it came to it but think he wants me to lead the decision so he doesn’t feel as bad or something.
Am I being a dick? Just tell me if I should suck it up and do it,

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MoMandaS · 17/03/2019 11:12

This pregnancy is his responsibility as much as it is yours. If he doesn't want to be a SAHD he'll have to get a job to enable him to share childcare costs with you. He can't have it all his way. Throwing past decisions at you is pointless - was he really coerced into going along with you?