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Gender disappointment, depression

(91 Posts)
AussiesMumUK Wed 19-Aug-20 23:13:59

Hi,
Sorry it's so long.
I'm not sure how to start. I'm new to all of this sharing feeling and reaching out for help.
I live in the UK with my husband and my beautiful daughter (IVF) all I have is my daughter my family live far away and I have maybe 2 friends. Due to covid-19 I'm still not back at work and my line manager doesn't think I will be back until 2022.
I just found out I'm expecting a healthy baby boy due in the early new year but I'm not happy about any of it, I know I should be over the moon but I'm not I'm rather upset by it all and struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel.
One thing I never wanted was a Christmas/ new year's baby and I longed for another girl, someone for my daughter to have a friend for life and never feel alone in a world with no other family ( same sex sibling tend to have a stranger bond), the cute outfit. I just had this image in my head I can't shake.
I came to terms with when the baby would be born( secretly hoping he would be late, I mean how often are men on time). I just struggling to come to terms with the baby being a boy.
This pregnancy comes after a 9 week IVF lose, a lose I'm still struggling to come to terms with.
I'm scared I won't bond with my son the way I do with my daughter, I'm scared I won't ever love him because right now all I feel is complete and utter sadness, I'm scared the way I'm feeling is affecting him now.
I can't talk to my husband because he thinks I'm being stupid after everything we have been through I should just be happy. I can't talk to my mum although she might understand because she never wanted girls and had 2 ( she didn't think she could protect us from sexual abuse) because she doesn't want to know what we are having. All I want to do is feel happy and excited and I don't know how. I just feel this pregnancy is everything I never wanted i spent my pregnancy with my daughter if fear of losing her due to medical reasons and this pregnancy was meant to be the one I could enjoy and look forward to but due to the lose and then PPMR at 16 weeks I'm high risk and live in fear again.

I'm sorry it's so long and possibly basically unreadable rambling, I'm currently crying in the bathroom.
Thanks for letting me vent x

OP’s posts: |
LifeIsBusy Wed 19-Aug-20 23:29:47

Coming from a mother of a little dude born 4 days before Xmas.... It will all be OK! I had hoped to not bare the burden of a Xmas birthday on my child as I have a birthday close to the holiday and it was nothing but a pain but there I was... Undergoing fertility treatment and didn't bother to check what 40 weeks time would be. It might not be what you had hoped for but rarely do we get the things we planned for. Besides, I know lots of opposite sex siblings and they have a fantastic bond. Remember to sit back, relax, enjoy each little stage of your pregnancy and speak to your partner and those closest to you.

LouiseTrees Wed 19-Aug-20 23:42:12

Second the opposite sex siblings comment. I know a fair few sisters who don’t get on with each other but do with their brother! I know you feel guilty but it’s okay to feel like this if the only image in your mind was of a girl. You need to focus on changing that image in your mind though. Think of all the positive attributes of having a boy.

Fairylightsdreamer Wed 19-Aug-20 23:51:52

Sending you lots of love. It sounds like you’ve had a really hard time, have you had any counselling for your loss? It will all be ok I have a January little one and I find her birthday gives us something to look forward to just when the January blues used to hit. My second is a boy and I grew up with a sister and there was a small part of me that felt sad that my eldest would never have a sister but I wouldn’t change him for the world. Remember it’s ok to feel the way you do, it may take a little time to adjust but you will and when he’s here you would never change him. I also have a few friends who are really close to their opposite sex sibling and another girl wouldn’t guarantee they would get along either. Sending you a big hug xxx

Rathmobhaile Wed 19-Aug-20 23:55:30

I'm closer to my brother than my sister. We get on much better - having a same sex sibling didn't make my sister and I get on.

I have a dd and a ds. They get on fantastically and are very close. They choose to spend time together and when they were little and in school I had teachers remark on their bond and of how protective my daughter was of her little brother (there's a 5 year gap due to me struggling to conceive a second time). I can't say I desperately wanted a boy - in fact I was nervous of having a boy as I wasn't sure how I would feel about him having bonded with my daughter so easily. But then he was born and it was great. He looked like his sister too. I loved having a boy - just like I loved having a girl.

Out of my two children it's my son who is huggy and affectionate. And it's always been that way.

AussiesMumUK Thu 20-Aug-20 00:00:58

I just want to say thank you for all your lovely message and support, its really helping.

OP’s posts: |
Enough4me Thu 20-Aug-20 00:02:47

I always thought I would have 2xDS or 2xDD, but I have a DD then DS and glad I have a mix as I think my lovely but bossy DD would have argued against another bossy DD, while my DS has a more laid back approach and gives lovely hugs. They laugh about the most daft things and say they will always be close, DD is in her teens and DC is 10 and I can't imagine another combination or other DC.

Doryhunky Thu 20-Aug-20 00:04:36

I also have a bossy dd and a laid back cuddly ds!!

Ghoste Thu 20-Aug-20 00:05:46

Boys are so much fun! I definitely wanted girls, and was sad too, but I was wrong to be. Boys are hilarious, sensitive and loyal. So far. I think he will surprise you.

NotABeliever Thu 20-Aug-20 00:07:31

Once your DS is here, you'll love him unconditionally regardless of his sex. Trust me. I have three boys and although I did long for a girl before I knew what sex they were, it just doesn't matter anymore when they're born.
Hope everything goes well for you

Emmmie Thu 20-Aug-20 00:07:33

OP, it will be okay. I am 10 years older than my brother and we could not be closer.

Enough4me Thu 20-Aug-20 00:10:20

Also, a change can be positive in unexpected ways. I preferred DS toys after DD as she copied other girls and liked playing shops a lot, he liked other games (more interactive like roaring dinosaurs) and he was so cute in furry tops with short hair that is nice to ruffle. DD liked his toys so she benefited from the variety too.

OptimisticSix Thu 20-Aug-20 00:15:08

I remember being so happy when I found out I was having a second girl. I'd never had a sister and had all these lively images... Which my girls quickly dispelled. They seem to live to argue with each other, drives me crazy. It started from wheb the youngest coukd speak and hasn't stopped... Conversely they both get on with their brothers... Anyway just an alternative viewpoint!

Oh and another advantage, people don't compare children of different sexes thw way they do the same. My daughters apparant dislike of each other is not helped by people doing this quite openly at times - I'm even thinking of sending them to different senior schools!

Enough4me Thu 20-Aug-20 00:15:14

Another positive, I thanked my lucky stars when DD became a hormonal pre-teen that DS would be challenging later and probably not as hormonal. DD is calming down a bit, but I couldn't imagine having two DDs going through puberty at the same time.

OptimisticSix Thu 20-Aug-20 00:16:45

Lastly, we have theee girls and two bous between us and my boys have been so much easier in so many ways than my girls (so far at least) grin

BirdsDoIt Thu 20-Aug-20 00:18:16

I have a DS (aged 6) and DD (aged 4) as well as a brand new DS (aged 11 days). The older two get on brilliantly - they are real partners in crime - despite sometimes being interested in quite different things, as they’re very much their own little people. I’d say DS is even more cuddly and affectionate than DD who is determined to do everything on her own the whole time, fiercely independent! I’d agree with the PPs who have said their two different sex children still have a v strong bond. I have to admit for some reason I was expecting another little girl for my third (we left it as a surprise) but now he’s here I think my daughter will love continuing to be the only girl.
It must be hard when you are still reeling from your earlier loss. Is there anyone you can talk to about that, to help you process things?
You’ve said that you don’t have many friends here - how old is your daughter, are there friends you could make through playgroup or school? It sounds like you are missing a support network, especially if your other half isn’t being very understanding of how you feel.

beanbaggo Thu 20-Aug-20 00:32:18

I have 3 boys and they are all so amazing. What I hate is everyone doesn't think I'm happy until I get a baby girl. They actually feel sorry for me. 3 healthy baby boys is a 'poor you' in compassion to people who can't have kids, or have disabled children. I can't understand how people still feel sorry for me when I'm so so so so so blessed with 3 amazing healthy boys

FilthyforFirth Thu 20-Aug-20 00:44:05

These threads always make me feel sad. It is always women upset their boys arent girls. Never the other way round.

TenThousandSpoons0 Thu 20-Aug-20 04:12:05

@FilthyforFirth if it helps to balance things, I was upset when I found out my girl isn’t a boy?

OP - lots of helpful comments on here and glad to see they’re making you feel a bit better. I did want to ask whether you have discussed any of your feelings with a midwife or doctor? It sounds like you might have antenatal depression, it’s pretty common and especially would be more likely for you given your previous experiences, loss, isolation, etc. I think perhaps not being able to adjust to the idea of having a boy is a part of that, rather than being the main driving issue?
I’m not in the UK so perhaps others can help more with suggestions for how to get some mental health support - but your midwife Or GP might be a good place to start.
You will feel better in time - don’t be too hard on yourself for the way things feel just now. And try to keep talking with your partner, or family over the phone - just talking things through is so helpful.

ItsIslandTime Thu 20-Aug-20 08:13:16

I think it's very normal to worry about not loving a second baby as much as the first but I think nearly everyone does.
My kids are adults now and I have two boys and two girls. They are all close. I don't think gender comes into it.

justanotherneighinparadise Thu 20-Aug-20 08:15:08

Every gender disappointment thread is always a boy. It’s so depressing.

YourObedientServant Thu 20-Aug-20 08:29:59

It's obviously a shock, you've had loads going on and a lot to deal with, plus your body is overrun with hormones so it's not a surprise you're all over the place. Maybe you are placing all of your shock/sadness about your loss etc onto fixating on the baby's sex as a tangible thing, when in actual fact it's just a mix of everything?

When you meet him you will love him. He is your child and you will love him every bit as much as the first. It's really hard to imagine it when you only have one but it is true. My advice would be not to go into this with a preconceived idea of what a 'boy' should be like. Mine is gentle, kind, loves pink and sparkles and having long hair. He also loves the Xbox and playing Ninjas, almost as much as he loves playing mummies and daddies. They are their own little individuals.

I know I'm being a bit unreasonable but to be honest I get slightly irritated by people disappointed by having a boy - baby girls (not grown girls) are so prized in our society as cute, easy, etc and boys made out to be naughty and a handful. It saddens me that this starts long before they are even born. I have one of each and they are both beautiful, precious little people with entirely their own identities. The only times I've ever received negative comments was when one was a baby boy, so I'm naturally protective over him. I was literally holding my 2 day old first born pride and joy and someone very close to me said they were 'so glad' they never had a boy, and when I went back to work I had various comments about 'better luck next time' etc confused

110APiccadilly Thu 20-Aug-20 08:35:17

My brother and I get on very well. I think there's something to be said for growing up with an opposite sex sibling actually. For instance, my brother as a teenager knew he had to be extra kind to me when I felt rubbish because of periods! A boy that only had brothers might not have been aware in the same way.

I've had quite stereotypically male interests and jobs as an adult - undoubtedly growing up with a brother has helped me deal well in those situations.

ivfdreaming Thu 20-Aug-20 08:38:42

I think we all have this image in our head of what our "perfect" little families will look like. I have a DD and lost 6 babies after her - now pregnant with twins after 5 rounds of IVF - currently one definitely looks like a boy and possibly the other one too. When we were trying to conceive DD I was desperate for her to be a girl but this time round I genuinely have no preference! I just want to be able to bring my babies home this time. Maybe it's because I'm having two so I know two boys will hopefully be ready made little play mates?! And I actually feel more connection to my boys at this point in my pregnancy than I did DD.

And by the the way my sister and I have about 2 years age gap and we really aren't that close at all 🤷‍♀️

The Christmas/new year timing though - you DID have control over that - not sure why you were trying to conceive over April/May If you knew you didn't want a baby born that time of year?! 🤷‍♀️

Userwhatevernumber Thu 20-Aug-20 08:38:58

I don’t same sex siblings necessarily have a stronger bond.
I have 2 sisters, one of them I am really close to (funny enough this is the larger age gap) and the other one I really do not get along with at all. It is to do with personality - my personality blends better with my sister in close to and clashes with other sister

Sorry your feeling low flowers

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