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18 year old daughter excessive demands

(85 Posts)
Aloakes Sat 09-Feb-19 20:44:31

I'm a single parent with an 18 year old and 15 year old daughter. My 18 year old is at uni now, I always said I would help her as much as I could afford to. I was made redundant last year and out of the money paid for a car, insurance, MacBook for uni, moving in etc. I pay her mobile phone, she comes home on a Friday night with all her washing. Since Christmas I've been trying to get my finances in order so haven't given her as much as before Christmas, but I'm still giving her £100 a month. She herself earns over £400 a month. She's always got nice clothes and nails done etc. Anyway she's kicked off and is demanding £300 from me as I had to reduce what I was giving her. Tonight she came in from work threatening to take my bank card if I don't cough up the money, and always starts getting verbally and physically abusive. I always feel so weak and just take it because she's so aggressive you can't even speak. I dread her coming home to be honest. Tonight she smashed my hoover in temper, kicked me and then demanded I help her with her bags to the car. I snapped in the end and tried to put the bags out of the front door and shut her out. I started shouting back at her and even said I hated her I was so stressed . It turned physical and she tried to attack me and my other daughter broke it up. Eventually she left and I just felt exhausted. I decided to block her but I realise that she will be back next week and the arguing will start again. I feel she needs to realise that I'm doing the best I can but it's just not good enough in her eyes and even said she's just using me. I'm at the end of my tether. Are there any other parents that have children at uni and how much help are you expected to give ?

justthecat Sat 09-Feb-19 20:47:37

I’d get her key off her , stop any payments and tell her until she gives you respect you’re not prepared to discuss any further

AnyFucker Sat 09-Feb-19 20:47:58

Change the fucking locks and call the police if she turns up and starts being violent again

Who are all these people being terrorised by their own offspring this evening ? confused

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Sat 09-Feb-19 20:48:43

Another vote for change the locks. She is an adult and is assaulting you. Let her look after herself

PlasticPatty Sat 09-Feb-19 20:51:02

No more visits from this one until she works out how to behave.
Offer to meet her in public places.
Give nothing more.
I really think they don't understand what it takes from you to provide for them. But if your child is demanding your bank card, you need to talk to the police.

theworldistoosmall Sat 09-Feb-19 20:52:31

Change the locks. She has no reason to come home every weekend and be like this. I would stop giving her money as well. And yes, police when needed.

palomapear Sat 09-Feb-19 20:52:48

Has she always been such a cow?
How is her sister?
I can understand you may not want to cut her off but there is NO WAY you should have to put up with this!
Do you have any family to support you? Someone to keep you company next time she's back?
Just start to say no. But some extra groceries or something to give to her but that's it. Tell her no more money until she changes.
I have teenagers and they are grateful for my support. When they come back they still help around the house, do the bins, dishwasher etc

bababoom100 Sat 09-Feb-19 20:56:31

This sounds awful. I don't know how things work now but in my day you would use your student loan to cover additional expenses but i know tuition fees are more now and so you might not be able to borrow enough.

100 a month doesn't sound enough to me. If she's coming home each week can't she move back in to save money? I know that wouldn't be great as she may miss out on the whole uni experience but i think the days where you just go there for a laugh and a degree you don't care much about are over unless you are reasonably well off.

Ultimately her behaviour is awful. I would tell her so and that 100 per month is all you can afford and if she wants more then tough. She's an adult now and needs to take responsibility. She either needs to borrow more, live off what she has, move home to save money or quit uni and get a job. If she doesn't like it then tough luck because that's life and you aren't going to let her ruin yours with her abusive behaviour.

7yo7yo Sat 09-Feb-19 20:57:44

Fucking hell.
Why are you putting up with this shit??
Change the locks!
Text her and tell her she’s not allowed back.
Plenty of students do it alone.
Stop being weak.

zzzzz Sat 09-Feb-19 20:59:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1493413286 Sat 09-Feb-19 21:00:07

I don’t think your issue is about what you give her; it’s about how she treats you.
If she’s going to act like that she doesn’t deserve anything from you

CaseofEllen Sat 09-Feb-19 21:01:14

Tell her not to bother coming home again until she sorts out her priorities and attitude! I left university 3/4 years ago and never took any money from my parents (they offered, I refused as its my responsibility). I worked, had a student loan and occasionally used an overdraft. She should count herself lucky!

At 18 years old you do not have to put up with her behaviour, she is an 'adult' now.

ooooohbetty Sat 09-Feb-19 21:01:18

What?? She's demanding money even though she's working and she attacks you? Don't think so. I know it's easy for me to say sitting here but she has no right to anything. Cancel any money you're giving her right away. Mine were at uni and they got money each month but it was a lot less than £100 and that was it. They paid for everything else themselves including phones. Is there somewhere else she can go when she comes back at weekends which I'm presuming is to work. If so text her and tell her to go there next weekend and change your lock. Good luck.

Interceptor999 Sat 09-Feb-19 21:03:18

Sorry but this is outrageous! Your DD needs a reality check and fast. If my 18 year old threatened me like this he would be sat in a police cell right now. Stand your ground, kick her out.

m0therofdragons Sat 09-Feb-19 21:03:41

Horrible behaviour but did she know you were going to reduce payments? If not then I can understand that being a trigger for upset or anger. People budget and plan so a sudden change in circumstances can be quite a shock. How you explained it could also be the difference to how she responded. If she has £400 earnings and £100 from you how is she affording rent? I was at uni in 2001 and it was £75 a week then she'll need food, travel expenses. It doesn't sound very much to live on.

None of that excuses her shitty behaviour though!

Interceptor999 Sat 09-Feb-19 21:04:45

@bababoom100 she also get another £400, she ain't short on cash!

Jackshouse Sat 09-Feb-19 21:05:34

She has an income of £500 a month, car and insurance paid for as well as a mobile phone all while she is a student. Sounds like she is living a very good life.

You need to put a stop to this. You have a child in your home (15 yr old) and you are currently not protecting her from domestic abuse. This sounds harsh but it is factually correct.

LovingLola Sat 09-Feb-19 21:05:40

Really ???

otterturk Sat 09-Feb-19 21:06:51

18 isn't really adult

SparkiePolastri Sat 09-Feb-19 21:10:23

Standing up for yourself and saying NO surely can't be any worse than what happens when you don't stand up for yourself. confused

Snog Sat 09-Feb-19 21:13:15

Is she able to get the max student loan for maintenance and if not how much are you expected to give her each month? It's hard to say if you gate reasonable in giving her £100 a month without this information.
I'm very surprised she is running a car at uni, that seems like a huge luxury.

OhTheRoses Sat 09-Feb-19 21:18:55

Does she have MH problems? Sounds awful.

I'm a bit confused about buying a uni student a car and not having any money though.

What are the facts of her finances - and yours.

Sillyspuddy Sat 09-Feb-19 21:27:31

Her accommodation is covered by her student
loan and that leaves around £400 a term for herself on top of her wages and the £100 I give her. She's only around 20 miles from home so could go to work without coming home. , yes 18 isn't really an adult but her choice was to go to uni or get a job and then you are treated like an adult or at least not a child. She's always had a short fuse and a temper and maybe we clash I don't know but it still doesn't excuse her behaviour. Thanks for all the comments, sometimes you know what the answer is but start to doubt yourself.

RamblingFar Sat 09-Feb-19 21:27:56

How much loan is she getting? If she's getting a reduced loan based on your past salary, then she may well be struggling despite having a job. It will have been a huge shock to suddenly have £thousands a year less to live on when she's budgeted for more. Can you get her loan readjusted for your reduced income?

If you've not got the money, then obviously you can't give it to her. But that doesn't mean she won't really struggle and be shocked at the situation, which might result in her getting angry with you.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 09-Feb-19 21:28:33

She has a car and you do her washing every week. Good on her for working whilst studying, that’s great. I think she needs to stay away until she can learn to behave. She has her room at uni. If she really starts to struggle, the car will have to go. It’s a luxury.

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