I went to a parenting lecture at dd's school this week, and the speaker said these things are generally (and statistically) present in 'happy' families with 'well adjusted' children....

[Earlybird]

1. Eat together as a family most evenings, and use it as time to share information, experiences, points of view, etc. No telly, radio or phone use at family meal times.

1. Children are expected to keep their rooms tidy as it teaches them to care for their own space in the home

1. Children have regular chores which is part of what they contribute as a member of the family.

1. No telly or computers in dc's rooms, and limits set on telly and computer time.

1. Family has some sort of spiritual dimension in their beliefs, routines, and home life (could be something as simple as talking about/recognising the things you have to be grateful for on a regular basis).

1. Family contributes in some way to their community (school, church, neighbourhood, etc).

All of the above are supposed to help prevent the dc feeling spoiled, entitled, angry, and isolated . Also helps show/teach them respect, gratitude, manners and support.

Your thoughts? Agree or disagree? Anything you'd add or take away from the list above?

[CybilAviationAuthority]

Sounds like common sense to me...we have the lap top in teenage dd's room, but no other screens upstairs.

[Naetha]

Yup, sounds pretty good to me.

I can see exceptions being made for computers in older (13+) childrens' rooms (although with parental controls very much in place), and also for there being a spiritual dimension to home life. By all means discuss philosophy, science and religion, but this can be done in a non-siritual way. Maybe it's just a poor choice of wording.

[Drooper]

Completely agree. Good to see it so succinctly expressed.

Who gave the lecture?

[Paolosgirl]

Yep - sounds about right, apart from the computer in the bedroom. Mine are older and need it for their homework (as well as the obvious 'essential' socialising), so they each have one in their rooms.

My children must be very well adjusted - deep down and despite themselves...

[JANEITEPatrickNormanMcHennesy]

I totally agree and as an atheist sometimes wish I could 'get religion' for that very reason. I just think it then makes it easier to feel part of a community.
We do talk about respect, gratitude etc though and contribute to several charities that the girls helped to pick.

We do all the others - family meals most nights, no screens in bedrooms etc. |No telly etc at meal times, although I'm sometimes guilty of taking a book to the table .

[Bucharest]

Sounds good.
And hardly rocket science when you think about it....

[miserablemoralvacuum]

I wholeheartedly agree with the 6 points.

As my user name might suggest, I was brought up in a privileged household not led in any way by 70s-hippie style parents. Dad has problems with authority so any aspirations to be good at school, to be a prefect, to aspire to anything other than intellectual achievement were met with scorn; they have problems with religion, so any moral compass being expressed by any of my friends was met with disbelief and open criticism - and yet with that my mother clung to 1950s ideas about "men being all after one thing" and having to "keep stringing them along" and it being desirable both to have multiple boyfriends at once and yet be a virgin on marriage.

Needless to say my sister and I were troubled, messed up, confused, passive aggressive - and my parents have no idea why - because we were brought up without all those dreadful behavioural restrictions that they had - instead there was just endless criticism, bitchiness and snideness... and no moral compass at all.

If I weren't unfortunately a heretic I'd be a pillar of the church by now.... my kids are getting the 6-point OP plan so hard we could probably qualify for taking in troubled teens on the World's Strictest Parents..... I jolly well wish my own parents had been a bit more strict!

[gomez]

No sorry not buying it - you lost me at the spiritual dimension, contribute towards community bit. Did they provide any evidence for the statistically proven bit? What is a well-adjusted child? Define a happy family?

Was this at a faith-school?

[HolidaysQueen]

This is how I was brought up, and I had a happy childhood and am pretty well-adjusted with no big issues. It's how I intend to bring up my DS (and any future DCs).

Disagree with 'spiritual' dimension - I think it is more about having an awareness as a family of ethical/moral issues and being open to discussing or acting on them I think rather than spirituality which implies organised religion or belief in a higher being.

[Earlybird]

Not a faith school.

Gomez - will come back later to answer your points (due somewhere soon, and as is so often the case, sitting on Mumsnet longer than I should ).

[gomez]

Ah good please do. You have saved me from myself - I too must go and actually do something useful but was of course hanging about in case you responded.

[iheartdusty]

I would add - family treat each other and be seen to treat others with respect, display a range of reasonable approaches to problems (eg parents do not automatically revert to shouting and aggression to each other or children, any loss of temper is isolated and in context of boundaries).

so it's not the end of the world if you blow your top after DC have refused to do what you've reasonably asked several times - but it is not helpful for them to see you shouting at neighbours, people in shops,all who get in your way and in using aggression as a problem solving approach.

[mwahahahamwahahahallyroger]

spirituality and volunteering are both recognised factor in mental well being and happiness. Doesn't mean church/religion.

[BiteOfFun]

I like iheartdusty's points.

[abra1d]

These things work for us a family but I'd have to take a long-term view as to how successful they have been: my children are only 11 and 12.

Certainly some of the happiest families seem to be the more 'giving' ones.

[miserablemoralvacuum]

Heartdusty's are good points.

My parents have always been polite to everyone's face, but I don't think there is anyone for whom they have respect once the person isn't there.

So they would never shout at us or tell us off - because that would be beig restrictive and they don't do restrictions - they would just keep on being snidely polite, then bitch about us savagely behind our backs, and bitch about everyone else we knew. Then they'd wonder why we seemed to have no "family loyalty"... and why we had no friends...

[Tortington]

1. Eat together as a family most evenings, and use it as time to share information, experiences, points of view, etc. No telly, radio or phone use at family meal times.

agreed

1. Children are expected to keep their rooms tidy as it teaches them to care for their own space in the home.

i agree that to enable study - one should have their own space. however this is something i do not enforce as i constantly have bigger battles and i chose my battles carefully - banshee wailing over cleanlines of bedroom isn't something i'm big on.

1. Children have regular chores which is part of what they contribute as a member of the family.

agreed

1. No telly or computers in dc's rooms, and limits set on telly and computer time.

up to a certain age. astounds me how many parents let their kids watch stuff in bed and then complain they don't sleep - duh!

1. Family has some sort of spiritual dimension in their beliefs, routines, and home life (could be something as simple as talking about/recognising the things you have to be grateful for on a regular basis).

sounds like common sense parenting to me

1. Family contributes in some way to their community (school, church, neighbourhood, etc).

jog the fuck on - yeah ok after dh and i have worked all sodding week get in at 6pm or later - then at primary level do homework with 3 kids, wash uniform, make the sodding tea - yeah i'll just join my local residents group and moan to the PCSOs about 'youth culture'

[Paolosgirl]

Just as I do.

Or perhaps I should "jog the fuck on"? Our PCSO's were fab in getting the local youths who were hanging about the local park and train station into midnight football, a drop-in centre has been set up and the youth action team worked with the youths to find out what services were lacking in the area.

Damn - if only our residents group (Community Council as it is) had jogged on we could all still be plagued by those young people who were hanging about with no facilities. Duh - so that's where we went wrong.

[emkana]

quite paolosgirl

[Tortington]

actually i work for a housing association and i am in charge of resident and community groups -i am well aware of the good they do - how maddening that must be for you paolosgirl! i was part of one myself - dh was vice chair for three years. i set up, constituted managed, funded and ran a youth group on our estate for thre years - it is still running today.

that wasn't my point - time was my point. the expectation that this is a fundemental part of good parenting.

i am sorry if i confused you

[3littlefrogs]

I agree with all the points. Even ds1, who was a "difficult teenager" has announced that he has put his name down for some voluntary work on the day he doesn't have lectures all day. (I am still reeling )

I do think being part of/contributing something to a community, even in a small way, can only be a good thing.

[mwahahahamwahahahallyroger]

eveyone can find some sort of way of contributing to their community. Even if you work full time. It's about showing your kids some sorta good example about all of us having a responsbility for our community. It's not all someone else's job. Or at very least, encourage your children to do something positive.

[southeastastra]

what if it is your job though, can we be let off that point?!

also don't agree with 4) ds(16) isn't spoilt, angry or isolated.

and as for point 5, we worship satan as a family.

whole thing seems to generalise somewhat.

[mwahahahamwahahahallyroger]

SEA - worshipping satan is a spiritual dimension. It's about having some system of worth and belonging and belief.
You Can be atheist and have a spiritual dimension to your life..

[Tortington]

depends on teh definition of community.

i don't have a church community

i was always vehement about supporting school life - it didn't mean i had to oin the PTA

i live on a street with 5 other houses - we are considerate about our parking and polite to our neighbours.