I'm so mad I could fucking explode!

[PrettyMeerkat]

My daughter is so difficult ALL the time. I can't handle it anymore.

This morning she didn't want cereal. She says she doesn't like it, although she liked it 2 days ago. I offered her cereal, toast or something out the fruit bowl. All I get is "don't like it, what can I have?". so I tell her the choices over and over and keep telling her there is nothing else. I can't afford to have 20 things in the house for her to choose from so I give her a few choices. I did the same yesterday and she ended up going to school with an empty stomach because she decided she doesn't like fruit (bullshit), cereal (more bullshit) or toast (all bullshitted out now!)

She wants a pan ou chocolate thing but we don't have any.

So this morning I tell her the choices and she turns her nose up, so I explain (yet again) about how some children have no food at all and how she needs to choose from something that we do have and not be so fussy. She still turns her nose up so I made the cereal anyway and put it on the table. I told her it was there and that is was up to her is she ate it or not. I can't force her to eat it after all.

After lots of wingeing she sits at the table and eats a mouthful and then complains that she doesn't like it so I said it was up to her if she ate it and if not she would go to school hungry. She had a small orange instead.

Then I am about to go and get washed (which is the end of breakfast time every day) and she asks for a hot chocolate, I say no as I don't have the time to make it. She starts saying "well what can I have then?" in a whining way and I explain YET AGAIN that she should of had one of the choices I gave her. She says "why won't you give me food" in a 'your starving me sort of way'. I lost the plot. I called her a spoilt little girl and a brat and swore numerous times. I went upstairs to get washed and she started following me crying but I told her to keep away from me as I knew how mad I was.

What she wants me to do of course is spend 15mins showing her absolutely everything in the fridge and cupboards and then for her to mull it over and finally come to a decision which would probably be sweets. I would then of course tell her that we don't have sweets at breakfast time so she would say something else she couldn't have (bacon that I haven't time to cook) and so on. I am not going to do that!

This is all after the getting dressed drama as well. She is so fussy about what she wears but not consistently (the same as with the food) she will have a favourite one day and it just HAS to be that but the next it is something else. Yesterday I put some clothes out for her but it wasn't the one's she wanted so I told her to go and get the one's she wanted. Today I didn't get any out and told her that it was her responsibility. She decided in her head what she wanted to wear before checking if it was clean, it wasn't. So we had loads of "where is my dress with the bow" and me telling her it's in the wash so she has to pick something else and then her saying " I haven't got any school clothes" and whining and me telling her that she has, just not the one she wants. After her dad shouting at her to put on ANYTHING even if it isn't her favourite and me telling her that if she isn't dressed I will drag her to school naked, she finally put some clothes on.

The final straw after the clothes and then the breakfast was her medicine. I called her to come and have it and she ignored me. I suppose because I was alreay wound up I lost it. She is now in her room and I have told her not to come out. We are going to be late for school but I am so mad at her that I am scared of what I might do. I don't believe in smacking but have come very close this morning. In fact when I took her to her room it wouldn't surprise me if it hurt her a bit as I was gripping so tightly.

I just don't understand her or know how to deal with her. It is like she is sooooo contrary and controlling! It doesn't seem to really matter what happens as long as she controls it and it's a nightmare.

I am sure someone will come along as say it is a phase but she ALWAYS been like this! She's 5.

[VeraGood]

WALK AWAY

you are induging her
repeat the offer twice
tell her to come to you when she has made her mind up.
make HER find her clothes the night before

just think calm.

[Hullygully]

poor poor you

[winnybella]

Calm does it. Don't give her all these choices. Here's your breakfast- don't give her choices. Here are your clothes (or let her pick them the night before).

[cory]

What Vera said. Try to cut down on the confrontation. Let her take the consequences. Don't worry if she goes to school with an empty stomach- she won't actually drop dead. Just give her two choices and walk away.

Make her decide on the school clothes the night before or else you decide. Tell her that if she is not dressed in these clothes by X time she will have to go to school in her pyjamas. And follow through. Again, tell yourself that nothing dreadful will happen.

The medicine, of course, is different because there there is no negotiation, she has to take it. I would start with this and keep this as the only important thing. And decide on one threat or bribe to get this done before school and stick to it (docking pocket money, sticker chart whatever).

[LittleWhiteWolf]

Narrow down the selection and stick to it. Don't go over and over it. Prepare her the night before perhaps? As suggested, have her pick an outfit the night before (again only give her a choice of 2 or 3, no huge choices or she'll be overwhelmed) and tell her that tomorrow for breakfast she can choose from this cereal or that toast and then stick to those choices in the morning. Have both out and let her look at them before choosing. Do not add anything else in. You say you prepared cereal and told her she could eat that or go hungry, but then she had an orange? Well, thats adding in anther choice and not sticking to your guns.

Its horrible when children try this and you're left with options of battles or letting them go hungry, but sticking to your guns now, will make things better in the long run.

[NightLark]

You are being nicer than me. Can you find it in yourself to care less? DS would be like this if it was possible, I have had to learn to find the part of me that says 'no breakfast? Oh well, you won't starve...', 'no toy car to hold at night, never mind...' etc.

[MmeLindor.]

Agree with everyone else.

Two choices, take it or leave it. If she goes to school hungry a few times she will learn to take one of the two choices.

Do not enter into discussion about not having time to make hot chocolate, or not having bacon in the house, or why you are not making her something.

"This is what we have for breakfast. Chose".

Then walk away. If she follows and nags, repeat above.

If she still nags. "I have told you twice. I will not repeat myself. I am going to get ready, if you are not finished by the time I come down you will go to school hungry".

No discussions after this. IGNORE.

Clothes laid out night before and NO DISCUSSIONS in the morning.

It will be hard for a week or two but you have to do it or she will carry on dictating to you.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Oh God! I feel your pain.

When my children were like this I found it helped me immensely to speak to them as you would an adult.

So I'd say "Look, I am really angry because we have to get to school on time, otherwise we will both be in trouble with the headteacher. So we don't have time to be mucking about with breakfast and getting dressed, we just have to get on and do it. I am going to shout if you can't do these two simple things and I don't want to shout, so instead I'm just going to leave you alone until you behave. And if we're late to school you can come with me and explain to the office exactly why we are late, because there's no way I'm taking the blame for your silly behaviour. Ok."

Honestly, it did used to have some effect on mine.

[wompoopigeon]

Put out cereal, toast, fruit bowl.
Go and have your wash.
Twenty minutes later that is the end of breakfast.
If she goes to school hungry that is her look-out.

Ditto clothes. Choosing the night before is a good idea.

If you start the dancing round, negotiating, worrying etc then you're doomed!

[Hebrewlass]

Hey there. I totally empathise. My 5 yr old daughter is equally testing at the moment. It nearly drove to me to tears yesterday . I agree with the OP , I tell my DD the night before exactly what is going to happen the next morning. I always choose her clothes the night before , tell her what there will be breakfast , whether she will be allowed to scoot to school etc etc . Then she knows exactly what to expect. If she messes me around in the morning , I just calmly explain that if she is late for school the consequences will be that I tell her teacher exactly why she is late . She does not like that idea. Make sure you get some head space when she is starting to wind you up. x

[pfbornot]

I sent my 5yo to school with no breakfast today.

Reason: I gave him toast (he doesn't like cereal) and he threw it. I told him that throwing food is disgraceful behaviour (it was quite out of character) and that he would be going to school with no breakfast. It won't harm your DD to go to school with no breakfast on the odd occasion.

I know someone who would literally give her DD a choice of about 20 things every mealtime at this age. The DD is now 30 and is the most spoilt, lazy and selfish adult that I know. You needn't worry about not been able to afford to have 20 choices - because it is totally the wrong thing to do anyway.

[MumblingRagDoll]

Mine would be the same...mine's 6....if I didn't simply give her what I choose to give her every morning. She gets' cereal or toast...she CAN ask for one or the other but unlss she asks before I make it then I choose. She kows where the fruit bowl is and that she can get it.

Maybe you could show your DD how to pour her own cereal and that could help her feel in control?

[Gipfeli]

Ah you have my daughter.

What the others have said is right. DD has been like this forever. She is very stubborn too. Unfortunately for her, she inherits the stubborness from her mother.

She can have anything from the cereal cupboard for breakfast on a weekday. Nothing else. If she doesn't like what's there she has to listen to her mother saying "you can have what's in the cupboard, otherwise there's nothing else" over and over again (which is really for my benefit to stop me ranting at her) whilst getting on with her other tasks

She can choose her clothes from the wardrobe but if it's not there, then it's not there. She can either get on with it, or moan and listen to her mother saying "if it's not there you can't have it", whilst getting on with other tasks.

She wants my attention. That's clear. Her fannying about is a way to try and make me focus on her. I hesitate to say this, as it'll all go wrong now, but I think now she is beginning to get the message that if breakfast and getting dressed happens without fuss, there is actually some more time for us to have a story or a chat or do something else she wants. But it's taken a while. She's 5 and has been like this for years.

[slug]

I once frogmarched DD to school in her pyjamas.

[ragged]

Attention seeking (sigh). I had it off my 3yo this morning, 40 mins. of hysterical screaming (double sigh).

[youarekidding]

Agree totally with the above - especially the walk away.

DD do you want x,y or z for breakfast?

the pause

repeat question.

Can I have....?

No you have the choices, which is it to be?

uuurrrggggg, its not fair, uuugrrrrrrrrrrrr

------------> yep mummies walked away and is over there washing

Unfortunatly its so easy to get into these arguments especially when time is limited. Then the children learn they get your attention this way. Its about changing the dynamic. So if she gets fed and washed quickly theres 5 minutes for 1 on 1 time reading.

My closest friend DD (same age) is exactly the same. I do not engage and friend then admitted she was struggling and asked what I would do. I said ignore etc but that I expected the tantrums to escalate to try and draw her in. I just said I'd be there if she needed to rant. Things are getting better now to the point 10% of the time her DD will do as shes asked without comment and my friend has to hide the face. So it does get better.

[mintymellons]

I was expecting you to say your DD is a lot older than 5, TBH, from the way you describe all of the confrontation!

I too have a 5yo DD and sometimes we have the whingeing about food, clothes etc... Just state the facts about what the options are and then leave it at that. There's no point getting into a debate with a 5yo about these sorts of things.

Good luck :)

[Suncottage]

Take away the choices and do NOT enter into a discussion with her. Pretty much what everyone has said.

[JIRkids]

Just give her the cereal. No choice, no decisions to make, if she doesn't want it she will get hungry!!! That's what I do with my boys.

Sometimes I feel like I should treat them with a bit more respect, like a would with an adult, but give them one decision then it all kicks off!!!

[youarekidding]

Yes and give specific choices. I forgot this this morning. Knowing DS 6yo knows breakfast is cereal/toast/ yoghurt I asked 'what do you want for breakfast'. His answer 'cheese on toast'. He does get this weekends or egg on toast etc but when faced with an open choice he'll chose what he wants without thinking or reverting to the choices he actually has.

Think its an age thing giving him the benefit of the doubt.