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1st miscarriage and heartbroken

(62 Posts)
MissSparkles81 Tue 12-Nov-19 16:12:22

I'm absolutely devastated, thought I was 9 weeks today but started bleeding on sunday afternoon. Scan at epu this morning confirmed the baby passed at 8+1.
Im 38 and this was my 1st baby and I just dont know what to do or how to feel.
Ive opted to pass the baby at home as I cant bear to have to go into hospital or have a d+c.
I feel so guilty and angry at myself for getting excited and thinking that it was all going to be ok. Naively I thought at 9 weeks I was going to be ok and creeping closer to that magic 12 week mark.
Tomorrow I was supposed to have my 1st midwife appt and now im sat at home waiting to pass my baby. hmm

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user1483387154 Tue 12-Nov-19 16:14:41

I'm so sorry you ate going through this. the emotional pain is so hard. I went through this at age 37 and 38 and had a healthy baby aged 39.

Please do not blame yourself there is nothing you could have done x

Laurab329 Tue 12-Nov-19 18:02:23

Hi the same thing has happened to me today, I was meant to be 8 weeks but started bleeding heavily on Sunday. Today they have confirmed there is no heartbeat at the EPU. We had a scan last week at 7 weeks after some spotting and they said that everything looked good and there was a heartbeat, so it’s just been an emotional rollercoaster and so confusing. I’m so sad as this is my 1st baby and we tried for over a year to get pregnant. I’m 35. I’ve opted for the medical management and I’m at home after taking the medication just waiting for it to be over now. Just wanted to say that you’re not alone and I’m so sorry this has happened to you too. Don’t be angry at yourself, it’s natural to get excited, I was the same and i’m having the same thoughts. I hope you’re ok xxx

MissSparkles81 Tue 12-Nov-19 18:47:57

Aw Laura I am so sorry that you are going through this too. How are things progressing for you tonight?
Its been slow here but the midwife did say it could take a week or two.
I was just so scared of the medical management incase the scan was wrong - which I know is ludicrous. Plus they said I would have to go into the day ward for it and emotionally I couldn't handle that.

Its so shit that this is happening to us. Thinking of you and your partner xx

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MissSparkles81 Tue 12-Nov-19 18:48:47

Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry to hear about your losses xx

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FavouriteSoul Tue 12-Nov-19 18:56:10

I am so, so sorry to hear what you are going through. Losing a baby is an emotional trauma that is so very hard to bear. Be kind to yourself. Don't ever blame yourself. Take time to grieve for your child.

FairyJuice Tue 12-Nov-19 19:00:55

Sorry for your loss op flowers Echoing pps to say be kind to yourself and take time to grieve. It's a very raw feeling flowers

Laurab329 Wed 13-Nov-19 07:57:41

Hi Miss Sparkles, the tablets kicked in yesterday and the pain and cramps were awful for a couple of hours. They gave me paracetamol and codeine so that helped after a while. I’m so glad they let me go home, I couldn’t imagine having to stay in hospital feeling like that. I’ve already lost a lot of blood over the past few days, so I didn’t know what to expect, but there’s still more. Not seen anything that looks like pregnancy tissue yet. I’m dreading it 😞 I don’t know how long it’s meant to take, I just want it done with now so I can move on.

How are you feeling today? I hope you’re ok. I feel numb, I can’t imagine being pregnant now, it’s like it was all a dream 😢 I don’t know how long I should have off work, I’m worried about going back and breaking down or still bleeding. This is so tough xx

solongtothedream Wed 13-Nov-19 09:33:22

So sorry for your loss OP. I'm waiting for my 3rd MMC to pass, heartbeat stopped at around 10 weeks, now 11 weeks and nothing happening, not even bleeding. If I hadn't had the scan I wouldn't know - only had it as had two previous MMC at 8/9 weeks. Turns out fears were well founded. With previous natural management it's taken around 3 weeks from heart stopping to passing the sac, and another couple of weeks of bleeding. (I hate that it's called natural management - nothing could feel less natural than knowing you're carrying your dead baby and waiting for your body to let go).

To offer you hope however, my first MMC was at similar gestation to yours and I went on to have two healthy pregnancies after that in quick succession. It's only now trying for #3 that I'm really struggling - 2 CP between the MC as well - I don't think another baby is on the cards for us.

MissSparkles81 Wed 13-Nov-19 10:31:35

Hi Laura

Thinking of you today. I know what you mean about wanting it to be over to be able to move on. My bleeding is still mild with a few small clots but its just like a period although the cramps are getting worse. I phoned the GP this morning to get stronger painkillers as paracetamol isn't really doing much.

Ive asked for a sick line for 2 weeks and will see how it goes after that.

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MissSparkles81 Wed 13-Nov-19 10:36:56

@solongtothedream I am so sorry to hear your sad news too. Its so horrible that this happens but it is comforting to know that im not alone. Sending you the biggest hug.

I know I hate the fact that its called "natural managment" there is nothing natural about this. Infact right now I should be at my 1st midwife appointment. Its just so unfair sad

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MissSparkles81 Wed 13-Nov-19 10:37:43

@FavouriteSoul and @FairyJuice thank you ladies xx

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solongtothedream Wed 13-Nov-19 11:49:48

I didn't even book in with the midwife @MissSparkles81 - I don't bother any more, had to cancel too many times. If I ever get a healthy scan again at 12 weeks I'll just pay for NIPT and book with MW if results are ok.

One might call me a hardened old cynic..

I hope this is over for you soon and you won't have to wait long for your rainbow. Sending you hugs back in spades - it's a crap deal x

MissSparkles81 Wed 13-Nov-19 13:28:17

@solongtothedream I guess I was just so excited and wanted to do everything right with making appointments and stuff. I even had a private scan at 6 weeks which was perfect.
This all feels like a horrible dream sad

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solongtothedream Wed 13-Nov-19 15:16:10

Totally get it @MissSparkles81, I was the same (before I became jaded)! But the odds are next time everything will be fine, most miscarriages are completely random, sad happenings that don't reduce your chances of a healthy pregnancy next time. I'm just very pessimistic, it's my natural outlook!

I know what's happened may take the shine off the early days of any future pregnancy but everything crossed that this will be your one and only MC. I remember before I had one I had just no idea how common it was. Out of my same-age friends I can now only think of a couple who haven't had one or more. If only it was spoken about more, I think we'd find it easier to deal with in a way. Still sad of course, but not such a horrible shock.

MissSparkles81 Wed 13-Nov-19 20:13:42

Its finally happening guys ... so so painful sad

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solongtothedream Wed 13-Nov-19 22:06:55

Hope the worst is over quickly. Take painkillers (not aspirin but ibuprofen and paracetamol, codeine if you have it). Thinking of you xxx

MissSparkles81 Wed 13-Nov-19 23:31:57

@solongtothedream still having the most awful pain. Ive take dihydrocodeine but its not really touching it.

I just want this to be over ... im pretty certain that I have passed my sweet baby. I dont know what I was expecting but this is horrific sad

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solongtothedream Thu 14-Nov-19 07:04:22

How are you this morning @MissSparkles81? I hope the pain has died down now and you got some sleep xxx

MissSparkles81 Thu 14-Nov-19 12:46:36

@solongtothedream last night was awful. The pain kept up and eventually I went to a+e which to be honest was a waste of time. Left sitting for 3 hours in agony and then went to the toilet at 3am and passed the baby. I don't want to scare anyone who reads this but I didn't realise what it would look like sad the tissue I had passed earlier was not what i thought it was.
Eventually got home at 5am after being seen by the most cold hearted doctor ever.

Today I just feel numb sad

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MissSparkles81 Thu 14-Nov-19 12:47:37

@Laurab329 and @solongtothedream I hope you are both doing ok today. Thinking of you both xx

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IlikebigMutts Thu 14-Nov-19 13:07:08

I'm so sorry for your losses, my heart goes out to you. I had a " missed " miscarriage at 8 weeks many years ago. I had a procedure in hospital afterwards an ERPC. I felt devastated and even though I hadn't known about being pregnant for long as you mentioned I was so happy and excited. I found it very very hard speaking to other people as it wasnt openly spoken of, I am really hoping that 18 years later things have changed. People expected me to be upset but even my husband, who was devastated as well, felt my grieving had gone on for too long. A family member got pregnant shortly after which was terrible for me and I couldn't face them for a long time . The miscarriage association (I think they were called) had a helpline which was brilliant. I went on to have a healthy baby aged nearly 37. I did not have have any more children after that by choice. Be kind to yourselves and give yourself time to grieve x

Laurab329 Thu 14-Nov-19 13:09:39

@misssparkles81 I’m so so sorry that you had to go through that 😭 as if you’ve not been through enough! I hope you’re ok today, you know I’m here if you need to talk ❤️❤️

It makes me so angry that some doctors can be so heartless. I feel lucky that all the nurses and doctors I’ve seen so far have been so lovely and caring.

After taking the medication on Tuesday I’ve still not passed the baby. I’m still bleeding, they’ve told me I might have to have a second dose next Tuesday if it hasn’t passed by then 😭 I really don’t want another dose as the cramps were so painful. I just feel like I can’t move on and I don’t want to leave the house until it’s over. I’m dreading seeing it too, but I know if I do then at least it’s some closure xx

solongtothedream Thu 14-Nov-19 13:32:17

Sending you enormous hugs @MissSparkles81. Nobody deserves to be ignored or left in pain whilst miscarrying and I'm sorry you had such an awful time, if ever there was a time for compassion this was it.

Sadly some people minimise the pain and trauma of miscarriage. Your cervix has to open, it's basically a mini labour. For some it's not too painful but for some it's excruciating and that should never be ignored, especially not by the people who should be there to help you.

I hope you're feeling physically better soon and have support around you. You'll probably have some big emotional and hormonal ups and downs coming your way - I hope you have someone to talk to about how you're feeling and don't feel like you have to bottle it up or 'be ok' straight away. You can always post on here if you need to vent.

I'll be thinking of you and I'll light a candle for your little one tonight x

solongtothedream Thu 14-Nov-19 13:53:11

@Laurab329 sorry, cross posted with you. I'm sorry it's dragging on, fingers crossed things happen on their own for you.

I still have no signs of anything happening at all, heartbeat stopped over a week ago and not even started to bleed yet so I'm expecting it'll be at least another week or so. Just hoping it doesn't happen at work as I'm in charge of a group of clients on my own and can't just run off and leave them to it (although if it comes to it I'll have to!).

There's an idiotic part of me that wants to believe that the sonographer/doctor were wrong and everything's actually ok. I know it's not true and I'm giving myself false hope but I can't turn that storyline off in my head until the bleeding starts. Would have been celebrating hitting the second trimester next week sad.

@IlikebigMutts I'm sorry for your loss, no matter how long ago it's never forgotten is it? I think miscarriage is certainly more openly spoken about but not necessarily treated any more sympathetically these days - still not expected to 'mope' for long or continue talking about it after the immediate aftermath, at least that's my experience.

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