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Perimenopause and “ Sex Surge”

(97 Posts)
SpiritedLondon Wed 03-Jan-18 17:54:16

Ok so I’m not sure if I shouldn’t have name changed for this. I have been married to my DH for 12 years but we have been sexless for about 6 of those years. I would say that we have moved into the “ friends zone “ but I have generally had a low libido over that time so have felt untroubled by this. During the last couple of months I have experienced some changes in my period ( closer together and shorter) and have had low moods and irritability which I guess indicate a move towards menopause. Another pretty terrifying symptom is the massive increase in my libido - almost uncontrollable. I’ve looked online and discovered a website which refers to this as a midlife sex surge. Has anyone else experienced anything like this and come through the other side? It sounds like a good problem to have ( in comparison to no libido) but I have nowhere to put these feelings and feel to desperate and scared that I’m going to do something life destroying. Any help would be appreciated.

SpiritedLondon Fri 04-May-18 10:21:40

SparklingPeri I’m the OP and I’m coming up to 6 months since my initial symptoms arrived. Although they’re not as bad as they were in December they’re still pretty strong and I’m still thinking about sex fairly constantly. So sorry I don’t have any advice to give...but are you in a position to “ go with the flow” ? The “ sex surge” website above does go into strategies to try and manage symptoms if that’s what you want to do - sadly everything I’ve been doing has been stoking the fire so no advice here I’m afraid.

RubberJohnny Fri 04-May-18 10:31:46

Well I'm the dh cannot keep up. He is enjoying it though.
However, I have had a full hysterectomy ( uterus, cervix, tubes, ovaries, everything) and am on oestrogen gel. So it's no surges from hormones for me. Long may it last in my case.

SpiritedLondon Fri 04-May-18 10:58:53

RubberJohnny men and women everywhere will probably be greatly reassured by that I’m sure.... that these things don’t have to die out. That it isn’t inevitable.

MaidMarian67 Wed 09-May-18 17:45:38

Stumbled across this thread and it‘s been a revelation/comfort/Godsend knowing that I am not the only one going through this. I can confirm it is a thing, it's real and I have been experiencing it for about 2 and a half years now. I am 51, perimenopausal and married to my lovely DH for 18 years. Although our marriage wasn't sexless, it wasn't far off. Then one day on holiday the surge just happened out of the blue. We DTD three times in two days and obviously I had to explain how I was feeling....but he didn't complain. (However, I paid the price with terrible cystitis all the way home!). Since then it's been weekly sex but sometimes I want more. I have amassed a beautiful drawer full of sexy lingerie too! Why didn't I feel like this at 30? Or even 40?

That's all the good news. The bad news is I too have developed a massive crush on a (married) male friend who I lust after with a passion. I know he fancies me and I am worried that one of these days I will take him up on the risky suggestion he made to me a few months ago.

At my age, I feel ridiculous and I don't want to do anything to compromise my very happy marriage and family. These damn hormones have got a lot to answer for.

SpiritedLondon Fri 18-May-18 08:26:04

So I’m wondering how everyone is feeling? I’ve been tracking my cycle on an app ( really to try and track my periods) but every day have been logging “ high sex drive” . I notice it’s particularly bad around my “ fertile” period. If it’s any consolation to anybody else my symptoms have eased over the last couple of days which means a renewed interest in things that I’ve been neglecting since all this happened. I also feel able to think clearly and organise myself a bit more which I most definitely haven’t been managing. I would be keen to know how anyone else is getting on and whether they’ve noticed any subsequent changes - good or bad.

Discoisabelle Thu 24-May-18 18:33:24

Ok so i am getting this sex surge, it is unbelielivable, i don't know what to do with myself, i am 50, on HRT with Oestrogel and Utrogestan since last year. I have had no libido for the last 10 years and even before that i was never a very sexual person, maybe only in my 20's. I have been married for 20 years with grown up kids, i am definitely not bored or trying to re-invent myself, in actual fact i have been very happy with hardlh any sex, husband's testosterone has been going downhill over the years so we have been feeling quite understanding towards each other and only had sex very occasionally. Only i woke up last month and for no reason at all i started thinking about having sex all the time, always on my mind now, my husband is amused but cannot satisfy me as i want sex 3, 4 times a day and when it's over, i want more ! I hate it, the longing is sometimes unbearable, last weekend i told him i would like to explore new sex, swinging, having an open relationship, and by the way, i do not drink at all, never been drunk and i do not take drugs, i feel ridiculous writing all this but it is real, all i want is it to stop, i look at every man everywhere and anyone with a pulse will do. For so long i felt quite 'invisible' with perimenopause, now i feel young, energetic, very sexy but very unsettled, it doesn't fit with my quiet life in the country ! It sounds idyllic but for me it is absolutely not the case, i feel i could destroy everything if i am not careful.

Emerald13 Fri 25-May-18 07:05:39

I am in the same boat and I think that it is due to hrt. I am single and I started a romantic relationship a few months ago. I find myself more sexual active than before. I want more sex but I don't know if it is due to hrt or because I have more energy, no insomnia and better psychology.

Bibbys500 Tue 17-Jul-18 07:42:45

I am 44 have a 3 year old and baby that’s nearly 2, never really had a high sex drive, I had a mirena coil put in after baby, but the past few months I am going mental, I can not stop thinking about sex or having it, my partner has a low libido which is not helping as I am constantly moaning at him as to why he does not want or fancy me!
Chosen the vibrator root which helps but within the hour the thoughts come back, going insane with this, any ideas on if this is controllable with the pill? Or a patch?

SpiritedLondon Wed 18-Jul-18 20:54:16

Somewhere on the internet a group of men are wondering where they can meet women like us or whether there’s a high libido patch or pill they can buy.

Pulipatchouli Mon 27-Aug-18 10:35:54

I just had a Mirena fitted to deal with peri menopause symptoms (I posted on this thread earlier).
EVERY thread says it dulls your sex drive.
I had three weeks of strange symptoms and now feel even more raging. Absolutely up for sex, all the time. And yes, I found a younger man to help....thankfully.

FloridaMom1974 Mon 17-Sep-18 03:19:01

I’m so glad I found this thread. I’m 44, and back in May, my libido shot thru the roof!! I also haven’t had a cycle since that time (and am NOT pregnant). My husband isn’t complaining but he can’t keep up. A bit frustrating so I’ve turned to vibrators but it just isn’t the same. Anyway, glad to know I’m not alone in this. smile

SpiritedLondon Sat 22-Sep-18 22:47:11

Hi Floridamom - it’s a bit dramatic isn’t it? If you want to read a bit more there is a website which I think is linked above... if not google Sex Surge and you’ll find it. I’m not sure anyone has any answers here but it’s good to know you’re not alone.

roseenglish Wed 03-Oct-18 10:44:54

This has been happening to me for a few days I have other symptoms of being due on too but this is new to me and i am scared. Today is day 3 and I think it's fading a little the sensation but I am so anxious I am tuned into the thought of it which is probably making it worse.

Its drove me to severe anxiety and depression as for me it's not mental or emotional. I am not looking at porn or thinking of sex at all, yet I have had this annoying twinge down stairs like an itch that needs scratching but I am so afraid I have developed PGAD which stands for Permanent Genital Arousal Disorder.

When you have this, the symptoms happen in the absence of sexual desire and its 27/4 the feelings down below - feeling on the edge of orgasm but it wont go away some women try for hours and the itch remains. It is linked to pudendal nerve.
Women have committed suicide as their lives end due to the never ending feeling of the "itch" which never goes away no matter how much they scratch.

If I could find other women who have the physical feelings below without even thinking about sex or wanting to think about it and who got through it, as in, it went away with time it would mean so much to me.

I admit I am in a state about it deeply depressed due to anxiety.

roseenglish Wed 03-Oct-18 10:46:31

Just to add I am not on the edge of orgasm. I just have this twinge that happens every 20 seconds or so

AussieA Wed 17-Oct-18 06:49:54

Oh my god I'm glad I just found this thread. Signed up just so I could thank you all for sharing! I'm divorced and 45 - and the surge is definitely beginning...and I thought I'd just sunk to some new low (high?). So it's a thing?!! Phew. No marriage to destroy but wondering if my cute little vibrator will be enough after what some of you have said. And I'll be aware to exercise caution going forward,.. now I wish I hadn't reacted by emailing an ex-lover that I know is still single! (Maybe he won't get it? confused And ...he's too religious to offer to help me now anyway I think!)

Shadow1994 Mon 05-Nov-18 16:39:24

OMG I am so glad I'm not the only one, I seriously thought I was losing my mind. So glad I found out it's normal for some women. I just couldn't believe the change in me and for the first two weeks I didn't really say anything to my husband, He kept commenting we sure have been making love lots. And then my husband came home from work I hadn't done anything around the house all day because I had been way too preoccupied with porn and ordering toys so I confessed to him what is going on, Well let's just say he is one very very happy supporting husband he thinks he's won the lottery. He is getting a little tired, I'm supposed to look up what food is good for the man to keep an erection. I ordered a Kegel 8, can't wait to get it.

TitsNnails Sun 11-Nov-18 22:33:02

Can I join the party too please? I turned 40 this year. Periods started to break through on cerazette after 10 years period free. Came off pill. Periods have settled at 3 days every 3 weeks. Have very heavy flow, 1 day of horrific PMT, and so randy I feel like I'm stalking my husband like a sex pest! So glad there might be a reason for it because there's literally no calming the flames!

hornydevilwife Tue 13-Nov-18 10:08:21

OMG!!!! I am so pleased that I found this thread. I went on holiday late September this year a normal every now and then sex kinda gal, and just like maidmarion67 have since become a raging nymphomaniac - horny devil wife does not even begin to describe it. I can totally sympathise with Shadow1994 on the too much porn thing and not getting anything done around the house and hubby has been very understanding and very amused - I have got so addicted to porn now that it's making the situation worse. I don't know about anyone else, but I've also become very interested in having sex with women and had to speak to DH of nearly 30 years about it as I can't think of anything else :/ He thinks it's bloody fantastic and can't wait for me to go and try it, which is fantastic and I can't believe he has been so brilliant about it all. |If anyone else out there is feeling like this, please let me know how to deal with it as it's great feeling like this and has made me start to lose some extra weight I've been a little too comfortable with for the last few years, but not so great when your seeing most people, male and female, as a potential sex object or your using your sex toys so much your getting sore bits (sorry to be so graphic) I will not do anything to harm my marriage as we love each other very much, but need to get on with life at the same time. Starting running and exercising today to deal with the porn addiction, but please let me know if anyone else has experienced anything like this.

Shadow1994 Wed 21-Nov-18 17:54:41

Going through the same thing here, haven't said anything about sex with a female to my hubby, but the thoughts are sure there. Looking at every body as sex objects and wonders who else is like this is kind of frustrating. Bought a sex sofa, should be fun, tonight we will be trying it out. I just wish I had a girlfriend that was going through the same thing, at least be able to talk to someone about it, thank goodness for this thread.

bringincrazyback Wed 21-Nov-18 17:57:55

Been through it too, mine's tailing off now, but I'm 51 and into menopause. Mine wasn't helped by DH's libido having dropped recently and my developing the most humungous crush on a male friend, which thankfully passed and which I would never have tried to act upon. It's not as bad now as it was perimenopause, but I still get 'pangs'. I'm convinced this phenomenon is partly what keeps Ashley Madison in business TBH.

bringincrazyback Wed 21-Nov-18 17:59:15

Oh and my mostly-dormant bisexuality spiked at the same time, so I was one frustrated person. grin It wasn't the most comfortable of times tbh.

hornydevilwife Wed 21-Nov-18 18:29:57

shadow1994 and bringingcrazyback what are we like. Sex sofa a great idea but we need to finish our building work and get curtains up first so we don't frighten the neighbours or give them a free show. The previously mostly dormant bi thing through the roof now so as above am going to get it out of my system and see what happens - cant wait till the 10th (grin) Shadow1994 you can private message me if you need someone to chat about it to as it's hard feeling all this on your own.

BooseysMom Sun 25-Nov-18 19:22:04

YES YES YES!! blush sorry but omg that is exactly what I'm getting atm!! I'm 46 and not officially peri-menopausal but have this raging mid month high sex drive ..i'm talking over-drive!! Mine and DH's sex life is not great after 13 years together and i have fantasies of other men. We're not taking any precautions as we've been trying for a 2nd baby ( had 1st at 41). I think this is mother nature's way of saying.. right it's now or never!!

lilySalvatore Sun 25-Nov-18 19:25:57

Omg yes!! Im single but a recent celeb crush has sent me over the edge and switched my sex drive on high. Since then been having 'thoughts' about him and other people seem more attractive to me wheras i was uninterested before. Driving me mad at the mo (mid 40s).

BooseysMom Tue 27-Nov-18 11:06:52

@lilySalvatore.. interesting! Thanks for sharing. You're not alone..I also have a celeb crush but sorry not sharing here as would give too much away! It does tend to drive me mental too. I'm mid 40s too. Tell me it eases off someone please! shock

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