Hello oh wise people
I've been separated for about 2 years from DCs dad. He has a history of mental instability and is very very controlling. The entire divorce process has been diabolical - despite the separation/divorce being instigated by him, he has wasted thousands upon thousands in legal fees through total and utter non-cooperation. He has tried to get me arrested, kicked out of the house, made groundless allegations to social services - all was finalised in the family courts last autumn and we came out, unsurprisingly, with a court order which reflected what I'd suggested was appropriate all along - the bog standard half the holidays and 3 nights EOW with midweek tea (to progress to midweek overnight when the children get a bit older).
I've never tried to keep him from the children, but was always the primary carer. He is in many ways a very good dad - in the sense that he is very loving. But he's not very well mentally, and can't cope with much. At the slightest provocation from me he stops seeing the children because he is too angry with me. Once I texted him asking why he was late, and apparently he was so stressed out by that he had to pull over in the car en route and sit there "waiting to calm down" for three hours with his phone switched off, before finally arriving. We are meant to sit and wait patiently (my two very young and excitable DC with their coats on) during all of this.
We've had two periods so far where he has been so stressed he stopped seeing them completely. This was pre-court order, and was because I refused to let him institute his own idea of contact. It was a totally untenable suggestion, but because I wouldn't do exactly what he wanted, he stopped seeing them. He told me afterwards he believed he was acting in the children's best interests because he believed that by agreeing to my EOW suggestion, he was setting the 'status quo' which would be held against him in court, so he believed not seeing them at all was better.
Sorry for the length of this post. Basically, the divorce finances are hotting up at the moment, which means there are going to be lots of things happening which upset/stress him out. Last weekend (ie. a week ago) was meant to be his weekend. We'd had a few cross words by email during the day on Friday, but nothing major. He didn't turn up. He then didn't communicate at all for 5 days, blocked me from calling him. I noticed activity on his FB account over the weekend and only due to that did I not feel the need to worry that something had happened. The next contact he made was on the Wednesday when he was meant to take the children for tea. He made no mention of the missing weekend (which was horrendous for the children and they are really distressed and confused) but simply said he was prepared to see them for his 1 hour to take them to tea on the condition that I did not discuss contact "past present or future". From past experience this kind of contact actually upsets the children more, particularly if at 'goodbye' time, he does not reassure them as to when they will be seeing him for sleepovers at his house. So I took a deep breath and wrote back saying that unless he could give me reassurance that he will be resuming normal contact as per the court order, I did not think the Weds tea was in their best interests. I need to know what is going on for their sake, and I cannot face more weekends ahead where the DC are just left sitting with their coats on on a Friday night with a no show Dad. I'm devastated for them.
Does anyone have any words of advice? I'd be so grateful. I find standing up to him tortuous - I have never met anybody more infuriating. He is so stubborn that he doesn't respond well at ALL to me putting any boundaries up, and would rather not see his children than "give in" to me. Another issue we have at the moment is half term - he is meant to be having them for the whole week (having let me down for his half of the previous half term - he asked for the whole week) but is refusing to respond to any questions on the subject. A week ago I said if I hadn't heard back in 7 days I'd have to assume he isn't having them and make other plans. I knew full well that if I gave that deadline he would just ignore it.
All help gratefully received! I'm at my wits end.
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Divorcing very difficult ex with poss MH issues, please help me navigate regarding contact with children
89 replies
TeapotDictator · 25/01/2015 20:12
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