Dd is not going back to Uni! Is there anything I can say?

[Izzabellasasperella]

We took our dd up to Uni last week for freshers. For the first few days everything seemed fine. Then the tearful phonecalls started.
She arranged to go out with a girl she met and brought a ticket just before they were due to go the girl said that she was somewhere else and she was going with other people but dd could meet her there.(20 min walk in the dark in an area dd doesn't know)
After this she plucked up her courage to ask one of her flatmates if they were going out and could she come, they said yes so dd said she would just quickly get ready, when she came out they had gone!
She put a message on the facebook group, no one replied.
Obviously this made her so upset that she decided to come home at the weekend (we tried to persuade her to stay but if we hadn't said she could she would have come down and stayed at her boyfriends house)
So she is adamant she is not going back. Her course starts on Tue. We've tried everything including saying that she could come home every weekend(its quite a distance including a ferry) until she felt happier/made friends.
She has said she will get a job here and defer for a year.
Is there anything I can say? I feel like she hasn't given it a chance and she worked so hard to get there.

[Finfintytint]

She doesn’t sound as if she is ready to be a grown up just yet so maybe deferral is a good idea.

[AwfullyAngry]

It's difficult, but it's better she makes the decision now rather than in a few weeks - once you get past 2 weeks from the first teaching date, you incur fees and that effectively uses up one of the years that Student Finance are prepared to cover.

On a personal note, I was also very isolated from flatmates / coursemates in my first year and I was utterly miserable. I stuck it out but eventually dropped out in my second year and the rough start was a big factor.

[boux]

I would advise that she waits until her course starts as she will meet more people on the course....
Otherwise transferring to a local uni and living at home wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. After all uni is about getting the degree and not really about making friends. Although it does really suck at that age to feel this way.
From experience I wish I had just stayed at home and gone to the local uni.

[BubblesBuddy]

Deferring could be the best solution. At least she understands she can go again next year. I would speak to the university and see what they say.

It is very hard when you are out of step with others and it’s not your fault. Having said that, she hasn’t given making friends with students on her course a chance. No doubt she feels that won’t improve matters. I think a lot of issues with students settling in is to do with luck, or otherwise, of flatmates. Some people get their tribe and others feel the odd one out. It might be worth working on her social skills and confidence in a gap year. Also perhaps choose another Hall next time.

[BubblesBuddy]

I think most people need friends and support networks at uni. It can be lonely and not good for your health if you are on your own too much, Boux.

[boux]

@BubblesBuddy
I know that all too well. But for me it felt much worse being in halls and not having anyone. It's all well and good saying you need friends and support networks at uni but what if you haven't been able to make any?
If I had stayed at home I would have at least had my family and local friends. I would not have been completely isolated. Living away at uni & halls isn't for everyone.

[Izzabellasasperella]

Thanks for your replies. I forgot to add that her flamates are party animals, very loud and she says they've trashed the shared kitchen already.
Of course we have said she can get a new room but that was met with, it will just be the same.
Unfortunately there is no local Uni that has her course.
Its not that I don't want her home it's just that I feel she has given up too soon. Her 2 best friends went to Uni a few days ago and I'm worried she might regret her decision.

[LemonysSnicket]

Gosh that's awful. You can request to swap accommodation if she's in halls. A girl did that in my freshers

[LemonysSnicket]

She was much happier btw

[LoveAGoodChat]

Op what course is it that she wants to do? It might be best to let her defer, if she is unhappy then her grades and her mental health will suffer anyway, let her try again next year, maybe at a different uni too

[SuperSuperSuper]

Those experiences must have been awful. No wonder she's been put off. A year off isn't a disaster, but she might feel low when her mates come home for the weekend/hols raving about their university lives and she's got a mundane job, albeit temporary. Be prepared for the possibility that she might not go next September especially if there's a boy on the scene at home.

[Haireverywhere]

We had all sorts of swaps go on in the first term as people clashed in my halls of residence. It sounds like she is giving up too early but there's nothing else you can suggest. For me moving away and starting a new life from scratch was a scary but exciting adventure and I was homesick for a while too. We're all different and maybe she's not ready emotionally or maybe just not confident enough to go away from home and start from scratch like this and OU is more appropriate. At least if she defers she'll have the option next year.

[Peaseblossom22]

It won’t be the same if she requests quiet accommodation . Is she at a party uni , some do attract a higher percentage of these types. She could also ask if there are any spaces in catered accommodation as then you don’t have shared kitchens to contend with and you meet people in the dining hall . It’s not the end of the world if she ends up deferring it will give her time to think , maybe changing to a different University ? is the boyfriend not going to University could that be the issue?

[LucyMorningStar]

So she decided to quit Uni because she didn't get to party one night? That's not what Uni is about! It's a bonus, a perk, not the one and only reason to be in HE, right? If it was me and my daughter I'd be telling her to wake up and smell the coffee. She's made a commitment and she's got to see it through.

I'd understand if she was absolutely hating the course, realised she'd made a mistake choosing her career path etc. But over not going out? I wouldn't stand for it personally. But then it's your child, your principles, your parenting choices.

[Ceilingrose]

Support her to defer . It's a waste of money starting a course feeling unhappy, and it will affect her ability to learn. The other thing she could consider is asking for a flat transfer.

[Marylou2]

Your poor DD. She needs to find her people and to accept that this will take longer than a week. So hard at that age. I’m sure that once she starts the academic course she’ll soon notice people she has more in common with and start to make some friends. Is there any way you could stay with her,even at a near by hotel or air b&b for a week or so to support her through this time. I know this is a huge ask if you work or have other commitments. Good luck to you both.

[VeryBerrySeptember]

Modern day halls and the prevailing culture don't suit everyone. I have seen similar threads in previous years but it's usually a few weeks in.

Doing everything a year or two later is not the end of the world.

[Oakmaiden]

I'd understand if she was absolutely hating the course, realised she'd made a mistake choosing her career path etc. But over not going out? I wouldn't stand for it personally. But then it's your child, your principles, your parenting choices.

It's not about not going out though, is it? It is about struggling to connect to people, feeling alone and discovering after 3 days that the people you are supposed to live with for the next year are people you really have nothing in common with.

And the student is not a child, she is an adult who gets to make their own decisions. Regardless of the parent's principles or them "standing for it". But it is a really huge and tricky step, and I think some 18 year olds are genuinely not ready.

OP - I wonder if you can offer some of the solutions suggested above. But when it comes to it, you can't make her do what she doesn't want to do, so I guess being supportive is the only option.

[Soontobe60]

Check her Halls contract. She may well be liable for paying the full years fees!

[Namechangeforthiscancershit]

Things will be so much better when her course starts. Is there any way she can stick it out until then?

[endofthelinefinally]

My dd started her university course 5 hours away 2 days after her brother died.
That was one of the hardest things we faced as a family.
We visited frequently, staying in an airbnb nearby. We agreed she would get through the first term and review things.
She is now starting her 3rd year and doing really well. Had she wanted to come home after that first term, we would have supported her.
Clearly the people your dd is living with are not her people. She needs to join extracurricular stuff to find her people. If, things dont improve after a term, maybe a gap year would be a plan. It is so hard when your child is struggling.

[yikesanotherbooboo]

Staying at home while all your friends are away at university can be lonely. What are her boyfriend's plans.
I understand why you feel uneasy about her giving up before she starts , I would too I think.
Deferring can be a very good option in that she will have accumulated skills and money , hopefully had a few experiences and grown up a bit. Going to university at 19 or 20 rather than 18 is possibly a very good thing. I would just be making it clear to her that a year at home now will be very different to last year when she had no responsibilities and her friends were all about.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I think there are lots of ways she can make life better for herself.

She can drop by the Student Union and speak to one of the welfare officers there, they will have seen this a hundred times before and often act as an unofficial 'friendship matchmaking' service.

She can swap accommodation, again the SU can help with that.

She can join a couple of clubs -- did she go to Freshers' Fair? There will be something on campus that will suit her interests/personality.

She can make friends with people on her course, which hasn't even started yet!

I get that a tough Freshers can seem like the end of the world, but it really isn't and kindly she needs to pull her big girl pants up and get on with it. She isn't stuck with those mean girls for the next three years, there's lots she can do and, crucially, lots of support available to help her do it.

[endofthelinefinally]

And, my dd's flatmate was a nightmare. She was stuck with her for that first year. But she did get through it and emerged stronger.

[Izzabellasasperella]

Thank you Oakmaiden. It's not about missing a night out. She's had her confidence knocked as she is fairly shy anyway it has made her feel as though she won't be able to make friends.
How can I "not stand for it"? She's an adult now and I cant force her back.
She's studying nutrition, the nearest Uni with that course is still not in commuting distance.
We wouldn't be able to stay near her unfortunately due to work/finances.Although we did say perhaps her bf could go up with her for a few days but that was met with a no.
So her plan is to defer for a year, get a job here then go back to Uni with her bf, he has a year of college to finish then hopes to get an apprenticeship near her Uni.
I am worried, a lot can happen in a year and she may never go back.