Come and tell me what the point is

[willsurvivethis]

and that it will get better.

Just tired of wave after wave of feelings and memories coming back and the feelings hurtso much - life was easier without them. and the flashbacks make me feel so alone.

I know I need rl support but can't ask. Everyone is too far away.
I'm tired.

[rhksmum]

Willsurvive I dont have any answers, and I feel abit hypocrital(sp) telling you it will get better when I dont actually believe for me it will get better.

I guess a way of looking at it is what would
you say to me or anyone else if they had posted this?

I understand the not wanting to feel, its horrible, but you aren't alone, we are all here with you.

Not sure if I've made any sense here at all
xx

[willsurvivethis]

Thanks rhks you of all people understand

Just feel totally alone tonight - dh has buggered of to his computer games, close friend text out of the blue this afternoon to ask how I was (tends to know when it's not good) so I texted back honestly saying I'm struggling and why. No response.

I 'know' there's people I can call but this is as far as I can reach out.



Don't know anymore. If it wasn't for a tiny blonde angel sleeping in his bed... Hope it's enough.

[rhksmum]

I'm on facebook if you wanna chat, not much use mind you but if it helps I can listen

xx

[willsurvivethis]

thanks rhks xx

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Hi willsurvive so sorry to hear you are struggling right now

I wish there was something I could say or do that would help, but I know that sometimes the best thing someone can do is to say nothing and just listen.

You are such a good listener to so many on here, I hope in us you find good listeners too.

Thinking of you...

[kizzie]

Sorry its so difficult at the moment

Would it help to reach out for RL help if you told yourself you were doing it for that tiny little blonde angel rather than yourself?

Thinking of you x

[willsurvivethis]

Thanks for support - despite waking at 5am today has not been so bad.

I'm having flashbacks at the moment where I feel desperately alone and lonely (my teacher played me so that I didn't dare tell my parents what he did to me plus I was far too confused about what was happening to even have the words).

Last night for some reason 1982 and 2010 ran into each other and I lost it a bit - well a bit much. Felt completely abandoned. Couldn't phone anyone. Thanks to rhksmum for being there.

Combination of dh disappearing upstairs and me then hearing him talk to someone else on the computer and my closest supporting friend not responding in the way I expected. Eventually texted him at 11pm asking him to tell me there was a reason to carry on and got a good and strong reply early this morning.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

How have things been today willsurvive?

[willsurvivethis]

Hi Getdown thanks for asking

I thought today had been quite good but i may have overdone things and my head is funny again.

I should feel better as I had a late night chat to one really good friend last night and a repeated request to 'please phone when you feel bad, the phone is by my bed' and a big hug from another friend (the one I texted) with the message to hang in there, keep going, it's worth it and I'm always here.

So why do I still feel so alone?

[kizzie]

Hi how are you today. That feeling of being alone when you are actually surrounded by people is horrible. One thing you could try is to have a written record of all those people you have on your side. So you draw a circle of friendship and then 'plot' all the peole around it. With a brief description next to them re. In which way they specifically help u. So eg. Brother - always there for a hug. Friend with the phone by bed -there for me 24 hours a day if need her. Flossy - there to talk about normal things when having bit better day. Mumsnet- people who really understand because have been through something similar.
Sorry don't know if that describes it v well. It's a cbt technique that someone either on here or another site told me about x

[Curiousmama]

Sorry you're feeling so alone

Kizzie that is a good technique. I'm waiting for cbt for panic disorder. Apparently I may be able to do it online? Have you had any willsurvivethis?

[willsurvivethis]

Thanks both - I have very intensive counselling for child abuse issues atm so it is not a great time to start cbt as well.

Last time I got so bad that I did not want to carry on my counsellor told me to make a list of people I could call if I got so bad again. Both brother and 24/7 friend said 'well I hope I'm on your list'. Still I struggle to reach out.

Been reading in 'The courage to heal' that when your feelings start coming back (which is happening right now and so painful that I know why I have been avoiding it )isolation can be the first to re-emerge. Isolation was a big big factor in my abuse and at the moment I just keep losing track of what is now and what was then.

I'm tired and jittery today - dreadful combo. Needed Rescue Remedy to make it through Tesco with ds. Also been snappy and nasty to dh. Trying to keep busy today to get through it until ds's bedtime.

[Curiousmama]

Sorry to hear about your abuse. Have you talked to others who've suffered? A support group either online or local to you?

Are you on any meds? I have panic disorder and find them very helpful but I know that's a different thing. My disorder is caused by other issues.

Keep talking to us on here though it may help?

[willsurvivethis]

Hi Curiousmama - thanks for your concern. I know a number of other survivors mostly met on this board (posted here for a while now).

Am with a specialist organisation for counselling and they have assessed me as not ready for support group, too much individual work to do.

I'm not on any meds. I have PTSD but I'm not 'properly' clinically depressed and after not feeling for 20-odd years I don't want to stifle the feelings that are emerging by throwing pills at them (whilst fully acknowledging the benefits of ADs - thank God my DH is on them...). My GP and my counsellor feel the same.

I'm also not really suicidal - just the pain gets so bad sometimes and the flashbacks so overwhelming that I can't cope anymore for a bit. Not to say that it is good that I lose the will to live sometimes bit it doesn't last long. I'm a survivor.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

hi willsurvive did this man ever get convicted? I believe you can still go to the police even years after the abuse actually happened.

Just wondered if it may give some closure or even peace, if you knew he had been sentenced?

Hope you are doing ok today. I can only imagine how terrifying flashbacks must be. Makes me so angry that someone could do this to a little girl and cause so much havoc in her life

[Curiousmama]

That's good that you can cope without ADs as agree they can stifle feelings if you don't get the right one. I'm ok on mine thank God.

It's awful that you get flashbacks. It makes me so angry that this happens. I was also wondering if the bastard got convitcted?

[willsurvivethis]

Getdown I went to the police - he has a clean record. And the statutory limitation has passed (it didn't happen in the UK) so prosecution is not possible. I do know that he has severe burn-out and at the time I spoke to the police was waiting to be signed off teaching permanently, so hopefully no more danger to kids.

[willsurvivethis]

And I'm now getting in touch with that little girl - and the amount of pain she carries is so terrifying - it's the reason why I'm struggling, veering between feeling intense emotions and all my old protection mechanisms trying to do their job and making me feel really down and ill.

Kizzie - I have done that circle you told me about. It's got 17 people on it so far - 3 I could phone in the middle of the night if I had to. I'm blessed.

[Curiousmama]

I experienced a form of abuse at primary school. My teacher (male) would put me over his knee and spank me in front of the whole class. I wasn't even naughty! He also did it to another skinny boy. I too was very skinny. I remember the boy wasn't naughty either. My friends got concerned and one of them used to hang around the headmaster..a few girls did ...anyway she told the head and he must've had a word as my teacher asked me if he'd done it? and apologised FFS!! Never happened again but I found out he ended up being head of an all boys school. I feel my parents should've done more although I don't think my mother dared to tell my father, he was a big angry scotsman and I think he'd have ended up in prison if he'd known. It's all a bit of a blur now. A few incidents happened when I was young involving my father's 'friends' ...my parents seemed to collect weirdos. Let's just say I had unwanted attention and once got french kissed around the age of 7 because it was new year

Anyway sorry for the hijack and ramble. Oh and I also had the head of my comprehensive ask me to take my vest off when I was in the medical room (skiving class ) He wasn't even trained and I'd only gone in with a phantom bad shoulder!! I told everyone I could to beware of him though, his name was dirt.

Blimey that was a rant!

[willsurvivethis]

Curiousmama that is sexual abuse - mine went further (I was raped, several ways) but the effect on a child is the same.

Feelings of shame,worthlessness, fear, confusion, loss of self esteem and that is just the beginning.

I'm so pleased you spoke up and had others speak up for you. You may still want to alert the authorities if he's still head of a school. They should be interested.

[Curiousmama]

Yes I have often wondered about doing so but I'm sure I heard he'd died? I'm 42 so he would be getting on?

I feel fairly lucky to be honest as a few of my friends have been raped. One by her own father I suppose that's why I've never made much fuss but I'm always vigilant for my boys and others children. DS1 told me a PE teacher threatens the boys that they'll 'come in here and get changed with me' and I've told him if any boy ever goes in to wherever he has to ring me and also speak up. He definitely will as he's very confident.

There is so much of this going on. Disgusting men (and women) taking advantage of vulnerability I know anger doesn't help but it's hard to shake.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Hi willsurvive how are things today?

I don't know if this may help you or not.

This morning at church someone handed me a leafet for a retreat centre. It is called
The Harnhill Centre of Christian Healing.

They do retreat weekends / weeks with seminars, prayer ministry etc.

Do you think this may help you? I have never been myself, but other members of my congregation have been for various struggles - divorce, depression etc. and have come back really helped and refreshed.

Just wondering if you'd ever thought of anything like this?

This one is somewhere in the Cotswolds area but I'm sure there are others round the country too...

[GetDownYouWillFall]

here

[willsurvivethis]

Thanks Getdown for thinking of me

Not good right now

Have had support from The Well Christian Healing Centre not far from me in Leamington Spa - has helped with specific points that I was struggling with. It helped with shame, making it possible to begin talking about what actually happened. And a special act of worship to cut the soul tie between me and my abuser - after that I stopped being concerned for him so much.

[willsurvivethis]

Need to talk to someone

Get some crap about before it makes me even worse