Am a bad, bad mother & mil agrees!

[blueteddy]

Have had a very bad morning with ds1 & ended up losing the plot.
He stayed at my Mum's house last night & was returned to me at 8.25am this morning.
He immediatly wanted to play his gameboy & I said no, because of school in less than 10 mins.
He started wailing about this, making me get a bit cross, but when I asked him to get his shoes on a few minutes later he had a complete tantrum, telling me he did not like me etc & was refusing to put his shoes on.
I got very cross (not proud of myself) & ended up screaming at him!
It took him over 10 mins to get his shoes on & mil whitnessed it all, as she was around to look after ds2. (I work at the school that ds1 attends)
Anyway, I felt terrible & was on the verge of tears when I arrived at work this morning, as I felt like a bad Mum & hated leaving him upset.
Tonight when I spoke to my Mum on the phone to ask if maybe he was tired, I was told that my mil had phoned my Mum, all upset to say how she hated me getting all cross with him etc & had been crying about it!
I feel so awful & have been in tears all night.
Obviously I am not fit to be a parent.

[MunchedTooManyMarsLady]

you are definitely fit to be a parent. Trust me honey, you're not the only one to lose it with your child. Sometimes kids play up more when they have an audience. Don't beat yourself up about it. Relax. Draw a line under today and start again tomorrow. As to your MIL, well I'm sure she's not been a perfect parent to your DH. If you were a bad parent you wouldn't bother posting on mn or reading the different threads. You've accepted that maybe you shouldn't have lost it, but hey sh*t happens and none of us are perfect. Maybe he shouldn't stay over at grandmas on a school night, perhaps he was over tired and not willing to listen to reason. It will be better in the am. Trust me, I have 5 and believe me no-one knows how to push your buttons better than a child (or a MIL). {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[kid]

Don't be so tough on yourself, kids are hard work and you are only human. I often shout at my kids but I certainly don't think it makes me a bad parent.

I don't agree with your MIL phoning your mum about it. She should have spoken to you IMO and if she was truely that upset by it, why didn't she step in to help rather than sit back and watch?

Hope you are feeling a bit better now, kids bounce back and I'm certain your DS would have forgotten all about it now.

[Twiglett]

honey

by the time you are your MIL's age you will look back on bringing up your children and remember how wonderful, calm and serene you were

we all do it, really

don't worry about it

[blueteddy]

Thanks mtmml.
I just feel awful atm, but when you are in a hurry & the kids are playing up, you (or I!) sometimes seem to lose it.
Feel like the worst mother in the world right now.

[blueteddy]

Thankyou all for your reassuring words.
I am just beating myself up atm.

[MunchedTooManyMarsLady]

honey, the worst mother in the world fed salt to her child. the other one neglected her kids so badly that twins almost died of malnutrition. another stood back and let her partner beat her child to death. believe me, you are not the worst mother in the world.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Aero]

That is rubbish blueteddy - of course you're fit to be his parent!! You've just had a bad day and believe me, we all have those sometimes - you should be in our house first thing in the morning - today I was like a bear with a sore head.
Your ds loves you and would want no-one else as a parent. He was probably tired and that would explain his tantrum, just a pity mil was there to witness it, but I'm sure if she were dealing with the same situation, she'd have acted no differently. He'll forget about it and put it behind him as you should.
Don't worry about mil - she might have felt sorry for him at the time, but I'm sure she knows you're a good parent and we all (well, most of us) lose it a bit from time to time.
I'm sure you and your ds have made up now, and he knows you love him so I'd really not worry about it too much.

[Goldfish]

you don't need to. You sound like a lovely Mum to me, or you wouldn't be so worried about it. I have had mornings exactly like you have described and have also felt bad. But tomorrow is another day and maybe everyone will go to school happier and you will feel better, and if notthen it is the weekend and you can all chill out and spend time together.

[MistressMary]

I'm sure when your Mum and MIL had you and the other children in the family they had their moments too of stresses and screaming.
Don't beat yourself up, I think we all at one time or another been at the "percieved" crap parent stage.
Of course which is totally silly, as a parent we are tested all the time, so challenged maybe a better term.

Anyhow stop waffling I shall and (hugs to you).

[blueteddy]

He could see that I was tearful before he went to bed & I checked on him later & he was crying.
I asked what was wrong & he said "It is because you were crying Mummy."
I hugged & reassured him, but needless to say this started me off again!

[Amanda3266]

Hi there,

You're not a bad parent - just a normal parent who (like every other parent) loses it now and then. Just one more thing for us all to feel guilty about. You were under pressure and he added to it and so you reacted (as many of us would) by yelling at him. Honestly, we all have days where we do things and feel guilty afterwards. And - don't forget that to MIL he is her sweet grandson who can do no wrong. Trust me - it's all because she's forgotten how trying small children can be at times.
Don't feel too bad - try and forget it - it's over and done with. I bet by the time he'd been in school 10 mins it was forgotten and by 3pm all he could think of was "great - home soon to Mum"(or to the gameboy )

Mandy

[MistressMary]

Aww that shows he loves you and cares for you all the same. He cannot possibly think you are a bad parent really.

[handlemecarefully]

Have come late to this, but have to say ASTONISHED at your MIL's stupidity. She should be questioning herself not you questioning yourself.

[MessedUpAsAMum]

Sounds like your MIL was out of order telling your mum, she should have discussed things with you, and even then, it's not really her business. You feel bad enough without your mil flaming you and bad-mouthing you to your mum.

[blueteddy]

Do you think so?
I could see that she was shocked, but did not say anything to me.
When my Mum told me on the phone that she had rung up crying, I just lost it & came to the conclusion that I was 1 unfit parent, who needed cageing up!(sp)

[blueteddy]

Thing is, I have suffered with PND & just thought that I was an unfit parent & needed big time help all over again!

[MistressMary]

Maybe the MIL reacted badly and wrongly and it all came out wrong to your Mum.
You know when you bottle stuff up? How it comes out wrong, maybe that was the case?
She more than likely felt very awkward a watching you in that way, and didn't know how to react appropriately?
Maybe if she reacted to you there, the outcome might have been worse?
Your child seeing you and MIL argue? more upsetting.
I don't know why just a thought. But you are a fit parent.

[Mummyloves]

Blueteddy,I won't even begin to repeat the solid words of wisdom given from other Mumsnetters, apart from I agree, it's upsetting but you have nothing to beat yourself up about. Can I ask though whether you are having a generally stressful time of it (who wouldn't with 2 kids), and maybe MIL is actually concerned in general, maybe about you and NOT that she believes you're a bad parent? Did she maybe ask your mum whether you were alright etc? I don't agree for one second that she SHOULD have called your mum, and I don't know what was said. She should have raised it with you, but is this a possibility?

[blueteddy]

Thanks!
Feel a little better now!

[blueteddy]

I dont know, as I only have my mothers version of it all (Which cannot be taken as gospal!)
My dh was going to ring her, but has not got round to it yet.
WEnt into work feeling bad, but now feel much, much worse!

[Mummyloves]

Blueteddy, you just felt better, how comes you feel worse? Oh I hope I haven't said anything to upset you?. Please, I know I couldn't begin to sort this out in my head until I had it from the horse's mouth. If your DH can't phone her, could you? I don't know what your relationship is with her (MIL I mean). PND is awful, I can only send .

[blueteddy]

Is it really normal to get like this from time to time?

[blueteddy]

Thanks mummylove.
Mil does not say much to me atall, but was pussy footing around ds1, all the time he was playing me up.
How can I be in a position to work with children, if I cannot control my own?

[blueteddy]

Dh has just told me that his Mum used to drag him to school & say to the headmaster "You can deal with him, because I can't!"
I guess that maybe she was not as perfect as she comes across!
I will try not to get stressed tomorrow!