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I'm not coping well with newly seperated dh...

(72 Posts)
lunavix Mon 13-Aug-07 20:51:12

And I'm worried it's all me.

We seperated on the 1st, and he moved out briefly then moved back in. He seems to be alternating with trying to get back with me and just verbally abusing me. He's told everyone that we've seperated (so I can only assume he knows I mean it) but I suspect he's told everyone I'm having some kind of mental breakdown, judging by both their treatment of me and things he's said.

He's always been quite controlling, I've posted about it for years, and I've been unhappy for some time. He's bringing up all my flaws and faults and I'm struggling coping with it I'm really worried it's true, as it's things people have said about my mum as well. I've read letters to her from other people (she died on monday last week) particularly an ex who picked on her flaws similar to my dh.... I'm scared I've turned out like her

tyeanddye Mon 13-Aug-07 20:54:55

lunavix,im not new to what you are describing...im here if you want to chat sweetheart...i left ex,in june

tyeanddye Mon 13-Aug-07 20:56:37

it could be that you are not so much like your mother..as you picked a partner on the same grounds that she did?ie controlling and abusive?

lunavix Mon 13-Aug-07 20:56:46

It's hard cos noone believes me.

charliecat Mon 13-Aug-07 20:56:59

Yes, my ex is the same, IGNORE. IGNORE IGNORE.
All I am getting is insults, and knockbacks and sneers and its vile.
But its just showimg him up for who he is.
You will be happier once hes gone.
And your mums just died.... Do you have any RL support?

lunavix Mon 13-Aug-07 20:57:07

maybe... i don't know. she definately had issues with things

lunavix Mon 13-Aug-07 20:58:00

charliecat - yes but my friends locally think i'll take him back and my closer friends who live further away are his too.. and i don't drive...

his family have pretty much turned against me, and I have no family of my own... it truly sucks.

gemmiegoatlegs Mon 13-Aug-07 20:58:24

i think that your dh is lashing out because he knows this is it for the two of you. Any bad mouthing he does is only going to reflect badly on himself, in the end. If you keep your cool and handle the situation with dignity it will soon blow over.

Perhaps your friends and family are treating you differently because they don't know what to say or how to help (or how not to take sides)

Of course we are always more like our parents than we care to admit, but everyone has flaws...criticising another person (bullying?) constantly is a biggie as far as I'm concerned.

It sounds to me that you are well rid

Kif Mon 13-Aug-07 20:58:39

monday last week???


Sweetest - you're grieving - now is the time to be as gentle as you possibly can be on yourself.


Sorry for your loss.

tyeanddye Mon 13-Aug-07 21:03:29

You have so much on your plate,to lose your mum so soon after ending your relationship,and to take on so much from your ex and social circle in the meantime...
bite sized chunks...put yourself first,grieve,kiss your kiddies and ignore the crap from your ex,wh should be putting all that to one side so you can face losing your mum,and THEN pick up the pieces from the breakdown with him.
One step at a time....theres alot of support for you on here and in RL
mumsnet put my life back together....

lunavix Mon 13-Aug-07 21:14:12

I know

he said he wanted me to get counselling, and without he wouldn't let me have the kids. I said, whatever, I don't know if it's caring or controlling but I have my suspicions. Then today he says I have to show him a breakdown of my budget with earnings and bills to prove financially I can cope with the kids.

And anyone I talk to will say that's reasonable. The thing is, I'm worried about coping financially but I also think I may possibly have more income (inc tax credits etc) which I don't really want to show him.

It's so confusing

tyeanddye Mon 13-Aug-07 21:14:34

If you use Amazon...or elsewhere...check out "Why does he do That" by Lundy Bancroft,
changed my life...

tyeanddye Mon 13-Aug-07 21:16:42

contact a solicitor immediately...show him nothing,its war now....would you reveal your tactics to the other side in a real "war?"check out www.womensaid.org.co.uk

tyeanddye Mon 13-Aug-07 21:18:09

stop telling him how you feel....stop telling him anything...get support,but not from him,his behaviour is abusive.

lunavix Mon 13-Aug-07 21:20:12

I'd contact a solicitor but we have no money. £400 overdrawn and I have to start paying my share of the bills (I always have but I mean, literally half plus anything that's all mine) on the 24th (dd's 1st birthday) and I have no cash

VeniVidiVickiQV Mon 13-Aug-07 21:20:26

OH sweet , you are having a really difficult time, what with your mum passing away, and this with your DH.

tyeanddye Mon 13-Aug-07 21:20:36

Ring your heath visitor first thing in the morning...she will put it all right for you if shes any good.xx

tyeanddye Mon 13-Aug-07 21:21:19

Get advice re legal aid...that what its there for...

tyeanddye Mon 13-Aug-07 21:22:13

contact womensaid...you will get free legal advice,and emotional support

tyeanddye Mon 13-Aug-07 21:25:33

im coming over as a fishwife,but your first post sent shivers up my spine.
theres so much help avaiable for you,and violence is most certainly not just physical!!!

charliecat Mon 13-Aug-07 21:30:07

any mumsnetters near you? To prop you up? It sounds like hes just trying to stir you? What would his income be if he got the kids? Would he be able to work and have them? Or would he have to be a SAHP?...ie...he would have the same tax credits etc as you.
Rescue remedy, chilling music and alcohol i small amounts.
xx

tyeanddye Mon 13-Aug-07 21:33:57

threatening to take the kids is a controlling tactic using the deepest weapon he has...your love for your kids.which is abusive behaviour.....as is controlling your life...money...etc?!

tyeanddye Mon 13-Aug-07 21:37:40

i accept i have all the sensitivity of a punch in the mouth....but theres echoes here,and for me...firstly,empathy.xx

lunavix Tue 14-Aug-07 18:06:15

thanks tyeanddye, and charliecat, I really appreciate your advice.

He seems to be working on making me fall apart. He's telling me he hates me, that I'm an awful person etc etc that I'm a crap friend... then if I say anything about him he says I'm starting a row and being bitchy and leaves. I can't get anything off my chest, I'm being picked to shreds and I can't cope.

Two days ago he told me he wanted to move overseas and have the kids for 6 months or a year at a time!!! I told him he could go to hell.

Today he said we need to talk about 'our situation' as he's looked at rented houses and neither of us could afford one seperately. I said I could get some kind of benefit with custody of the kids and he'd have to get a house share or something and he went nuts saying he wasnt prepared to do that. so i used the same line he's used for two weeks - 'well what you do is not my problem any more' and he went even more nuts at me.

so he talked again about that 'we' have to go to counselling (he thinks i'm having a breakdown so I have to prove im sane enough to look after the kids - and he has to come to prove i've gone!!!) and I have to provide him with a breakdown of my finances to prove i can cope with that - and i told him if that's the case i'll prove it to the solicitor/mediation when we agree on custody etc. and he yelled saying i had to prove it to him. So i told him it was him trying to control me yet again and he left, shouting he wanted this mon-fri and weekend custody.

every day is the same goddamn argument and i'm sick of it

lunavix Tue 14-Aug-07 18:08:22

somebody said he's been an emotional bully, and has been for years (I have countless posts on here about him, but i've had most of the messages deleted in the past because he checks up on me - you can still see the titles if you do a search!)

the trouble is i have a terribly bad memory and i try to repress things i guess... i don't remember much of what we argue about and what he says. Noone else sees much of that side of him.

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