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any positive ideas on what i can do...just 50 and dp has left me out of the blue because he has realised that he really really wants his own children...

(123 Posts)
zippit Wed 27-Jun-07 06:59:12

.....he didn't tell me so we haven't been trying

he has noc children and I have three, the youngest 19

I am devbastated

I will do anything..I am having periods

I am so heart broken

i so wish I had known how he felt

he is 39 and I am just 50 it's all over isn't it

he went yesterday (he dropped ds at the station and was gone for ages so i rang his mobile and he picked up accidentally and I could hear the conversation and he was signing a contractg for a bedsit it was completely surreal and he wasn't going to tell me to the weekend)and he loves me and wants to be friends



zippi

fillyjonk Wed 27-Jun-07 07:16:43

oh zippi

{sad]

what a horrible shock

no advice but bumping

Katy44 Wed 27-Jun-07 07:16:56

don't have any advice, just lots of sympathy and didn't want to not answer
If you don't mind me saying it sounds as though he has his mind made up if he's sorting out bedsits etc...horrible that you found out like you did
Given time hopefully he'll realise he really misses you - will you want him back? It doesn't sound as tho he would, but would either of you consider Relate?

fillyjonk Wed 27-Jun-07 07:17:00

{sorry-

in fact

fillyjonk Wed 27-Jun-07 07:18:48

he wants his own biological children?

he's 39, thats a bloody long shot really, just cos he'd have to find a (younger) partner, establish a realtionship etc.

could it be a midlife crisis?

is he young enough to adopt as a single person? i don't know the rules.

zippit Wed 27-Jun-07 07:19:04

thank you

I'm just a pathetic heap...I haven't slept at all

I just can't believe it at all

yesterday morning we were choosing tiles for the house we have built in the back garden

Katy44 Wed 27-Jun-07 07:19:53

does sound like it could be a ml crisis doesn't it?
Was everything good and normal till now?

Katy44 Wed 27-Jun-07 07:20:09

well that answwers my q

zippit Wed 27-Jun-07 07:22:33

I'm just numb ... I thought i had dialled the wrong number when i heard the conversation..I listened for 15 minutes and it was really clear

yes he has realised he wants his biological children and can't not try..we have been together 8 years and he is my complete other half..we do everything together all day and every day and never hardly argue, he is never angry..it is horrible

Speccy Wed 27-Jun-07 07:26:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pixiefish Wed 27-Jun-07 07:27:45

Have toa gree with katy- it does indeed sound like a ml crisis of some sort. Not made easier by the fact that he hasn't talked to you about it- unless he's done this as he thought you wouldn't take him seriously

zippit Wed 27-Jun-07 08:17:29

I think it was the only way he could make himself go..he stayed at his mum's last night, not because I wanted him to go but because i didn't know what to do

Katy44 Wed 27-Jun-07 09:30:08

Have you spoken to him today? Are you planning to?

mozhe Wed 27-Jun-07 09:41:09

IF that is the only reason....you could try,( and of course it is what you want too...another child I mean ),women 50+ can conceive with help,( usually...),although the odds ARE against it...I just visited a colleague in the clinic a couple of weeks ago and she was 51 and had just had number 4,( a healthy boy ),after 6 months of treatment..19 years after her last. SO never say never...would he come back to talk about it ?

Katy44 Wed 27-Jun-07 09:43:25

or would you consider looking into adoption with him as a compromise?
This is awful - until yesterday you didn't even know it was an issue!

expatinscotland Wed 27-Jun-07 09:52:25

Sorry, zippi.

I know this is painful. For BOTH of you.

But having been married to someone who did not want children, and I was desperate to try, I can see his point of view.

Personally, I don't see where wanting your own biological children is such a horrible, vile thing - and why not at 39? He's hardly too old. We wouldn't tell a woman just to give up her dream of having a baby at 39 because she's 'too old' or hasn't found the right man, so why's it different is the person in question is male?

I'm sure he loves you, but this is something he must very desperately want and need.

I'm very sorry .

But in such a situation, I'd give him some space and try to move on.

I'm sure a lot of people said I was a fool for 'giving up' my ex over not being able to have children with him, but hey, I love me, too, and really, really wanted to procreate.

Sometimes, love doesn't 'conquer all'.

Yes, that is harsh to hear and say.

But unfortunately, it is true.

Best of luck!

Aloha Wed 27-Jun-07 09:53:08

You are not going to concieve your own baby via IVF at 50 - it is egg donation only at your age, though you could use his sperm so it would be his baby. You could offer to try naturally but the odds are hugely against you. But would you want him back on the grounds that he can leave again if you can't have another baby?
If this is the real reason he is leaving it is very difficult and I'm so sorry.
But perhaps as others have said, he is having some kind of strange panic.

Aloha Wed 27-Jun-07 10:22:18

I think the way he has dealt with this is awful and quite mad btw. He lives with you and you love him and he's never said a word but is actually signing a contract for a bedsit? Can this be remotely normal behaviour? I think you need to talk to him, just to make sense of it all. I really do feel for you.

KerryMum Wed 27-Jun-07 10:26:37

Big Hugs Zippi.

This is very

How long had you been together? Did you honestly never discuss whether or not he wanted to have children of his own?

Maybe he's feeling the pinch now being 39.

Imagine if you had no children at age 39, how would you feel? I'm not taking his side but just to imagine how he must be feeling.

I think it's disgraceful that he did it this way and didn't discuss his feelings this far. Also, he shouldn't have let the relationship progress if he knew the ultimate outcome. How long have you been together?

Katy44 Wed 27-Jun-07 10:29:37

I agree that I can see his pov, and maybe he thought he didn't want children but has now realised he does.
But the way he's dealt with it is awful. Not to even mention it before effectively deciding to leave?

TootyFrooty Wed 27-Jun-07 10:33:45

I am so so sorry to hear this zippi. It's so wrong that he didn't discuss this with you before and just upped and left. Do you think he'll come back when he realises what life is like without you?

Sending you my best wishes and I hope you'll get lots of support on here.

expatinscotland Wed 27-Jun-07 10:34:20

Yes, I agree, the way he dealt with it is awful.

Sometimes, unfortunately, though, people don't know how to end things well and it can be awful for the other party to try to get 'closure' if you will because there are times when that just never happens for reasons which never become clear.

I don't think it's fair, however, to say he's a vile person for wanting to have a biological child, if that is in fact the reason why he's leaving. Or to say he should forgo that need and is terrible for not doing so.

After my split and subsequent divorce, I had to avoid getting remotely involved with men who were done having children or never wanted any because I knew I did. This was not as easy as it seems, and I can see where sometimes, a person would not do this and get involved (thinking love conquers all or something or someone's feelings will change, etc.) and someone winds up very hurt - which is why I avoided it.

Anna8888 Wed 27-Jun-07 10:39:11

Zippi - what a terrible shock for you.

Don't know what to say...

moo Wed 27-Jun-07 10:48:19

Zippi, I'm so sorry - you must be reeling.

It just sounds so odd and out of character (not to mention out of the blue) that I do wonder about his state of mind. Is he under great pressure at work? Could he be having some kind of a breakdown? It is just so bizarre to suddenly, after 8 years, do this - when he has never mentioned it before.

Will he talk? You - at the very least - deserve more of an explanation than this.

Is there anyone else, who knows him well, who might be able to offer an insight into this? Does he have a brother or best friend he talks to who could help you shed some light on this (though I admit, a man who talks about his feelings is probably a long shot).

Are your children around? They must be shocked too.

I really am so sorry.

aviatrix Wed 27-Jun-07 22:31:26

Message withdrawn

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