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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Feeling confused as to whether I should go & see nan one last time

95 replies

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 22:11

I know there is no right or wrong answer here, and it is really a very personal decision, but tomorrow is my last chance to see nan before the funeral & I really don't know if I can do it.
Some of my cousins have gone, as well as one of my aunties & my uncle. My mum plans to go & see nan tomorrow, so I kind of feel I really should, but I really don't know if I can handle it.
I know it is my very last chance to see her, but have been warned by my cousin that it doesn't look like nan.
I am scared that I will be haunted with images of her lying there dead rather than the memories I have of nan alive, but at the same time I know this is my very chance to look at her before she's buried.

Has anyone had any experience of this?
My head is all over the place right now. I just don't know what I should do.

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mummytosteven · 22/07/2007 22:12

I think you should go with your instincts and not go. Very sorry about your gran.

Hattie05 · 22/07/2007 22:14

From what you have said there, it doesn't sound like you should go.

Everyones different, some need to some don't.

moondog · 22/07/2007 22:16

My sisters wernt in this situation.
I didn't.
We were all happy with our decisions.

EscapeFrom · 22/07/2007 22:16

I didn't go to see my nan. I am kind of glad, because I do remember her, and she is never a corpse to me.

pinkbubble · 22/07/2007 22:16

oh PC. Do whatever you feel is the right thing for you! Is your sister going to visit her?

funnypeevesculiar · 22/07/2007 22:17

Go with your instinct.

My grandma was very ill & in hosptial - saw her once (on unusually good form) and knew that if I didn't see her again before I went home that'd be it. Family suggested against, but I said I wanted to (we were very close)

I got as far as the hospital, then inexplicably, didn't want to go in. Walked round the hospital crying.

Know (in retropect) that my last memory of her is positive and very 'her', iykwim.

You KNOW the right decision for you. You jusy might not know you know it.

Thoughts are with you

xx

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 22:17

My sister is feeling that maybe she should because it is her last chance to see nan.

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EscapeFrom · 22/07/2007 22:17

Sorry that was such a crude way to put that, I will try to explain better.

I mean, that when i think of her, she is my living, breathing, plump and mischievious nanny, she isn't dead to me and never really will be.

I would go with your instinctt.

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 22:18

My nan's death was very sudden, and I didn't even know she was unwell until it was all too late.

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muppetgirl · 22/07/2007 22:20

I'm so sorry about your nan...

I went when it was my grandad and wish I hadn't. I had nightmares about his face for weeks.
We were advised not to see him as he died on a saturday and as it was the sunday no one had been able to make him 'look more comfortable'. My nan was desperate to see him and I went in for her.

I didn't go when it was my nan as preferred to remember her how she was.
Don't regret my decision at all.

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 22:21

That is kind of how I think of my nan, EscapeFrom. I have a lovely photo of her, where she looks like she's looking at me smiling, and that's how I remember my nan. I am frightened the image of her lying there dead will stick in my head.

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Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 22:22

My nan will have been dead 2 weeks tomorrow.

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cece · 22/07/2007 22:22

DH's dad died on friday and he says evertime he closes his eyes he can see him lying there on the bed.

pinkbubble · 22/07/2007 22:23

Have you had any pressure from your Mum?

edam · 22/07/2007 22:26

Good undertakers pride themselves on helping the dead look as well as is possible in the circs. But if you are scared, don't go. I don't know what your beliefs are, but for me, the body is only a body, the person I loved is no longer there.

FWIW, I haven't chosen to see any of the people I have loved once they are dead.

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 22:27

Not really any pressure, but she is saying that she wants to see her one last time because she wasn't there for her at the end, and I have been eaten up with the thought that I wasn't around for her at the end either.
I am also finding it all very hard to accept, so maybe it would help with that, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle it.

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edam · 22/07/2007 22:27

So sorry, Cece. Took my MIL a long time to come to terms with watching the paramedics working on my FIL. But she did and I hope your dh will, too.

lilolilmanchester · 22/07/2007 22:29

Pinkchampagne, sorry about your Nan. Sorry too that you're finding it hard to know what to do.
I went through exactly the same when my Dad died. Talked it through with an uncle who said at the end of the day only I could make the decision - and of course he was right. My Dad had cancer, so wasn't himself anyway. I decided to go and see him at the chapel of rest, but made myself promise that I'd only ever remember the lovely Dad from before he was ill(not the one in the coffin or the very ill one towards the end). Of course, I can still picture him ill and in his coffin, but they are fleeting memories and not the ones I dwell on. Seeing him made me cry tons, but I feel sure that it helped the grieving process. It's hard, but makes you realise that they really are dead (sounds daft, but hope you know what I mean). This actually might be helpful more so with sudden deaths? I don't know. Also, Dad died before I could get to him so it allowed me to say goodbye. It's a hard decision, and sorry to say only you can make it. Make whichever decision seems right for you right now, and try not to look back and wonder if you did the right thing.

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 22:29

Sorry to hear about your DH's dad, Cece.

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cece · 22/07/2007 22:29

He was already dead - took the doc five hours to come and issue a death certificate

edam · 22/07/2007 22:30

Oh Cece, that's horrible. So sorry.

mummylin2495 · 22/07/2007 22:32

I did go and see my gran ,then wished i hadnt because they had put lipstick on her and had done her hair wrong ,it was very upsetting ,but when it was my grandad i went again for my last goodbye and i have to say he looked just like mygrandad.I also went to see my younger sister just 12 weeks after grandad ,she also looked lovely and i am really glad i went. You will come to the right decision for you .Sometimes when people have been really ill,when they have died they do look very peaceful and so that memeory is there instead of remembering how they looked in pain.Everyones choice ultimatly is theirs and you will make yours.

cece · 22/07/2007 22:32

Yes it was horrible. I wasn't there but DH is very traumatised by the whole thing. His dad had cancer so it was very long and lingering...

Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 22:33

That's awful, Cece, I'm so sorry.

Nan's death was unexpected, and I had planned to give her a ring the evening I heard the news.
Maybe seeing her is the right thing to do because I never got the chance to say goodbye, but at the same time I am frightened that seeing her lying there dead will disturb me.

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Pinkchampagne · 22/07/2007 22:35

The last time I saw her she was still my lovely smiley nan, although she was getting lots of nasty headaches.

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