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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends

22 replies

Snoop85 · 04/09/2021 03:35

About 11 years ago, just as I was going through the divorce with my husband. I was drunk and nasty over text to my best friend. It’s not an excuse, I was drunk and jealous and said things I shouldn’t have. Along with her went all of my friendship group. None of them will talk to me to this day. I have tried. Apologised. I’m now blocked. There is a lot of history, but also so much I’ve missed out on. Is this normal and ok? I just don’t don’t get it

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2021 03:38

Well i mean it depends what was said really, both at the time and in tbe aftermath

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2021 03:39

There are certain transgressions that can't be forgiven or forgotten, and everyone has their own personal line in the sand. I'm sorry this happened, but your former friends have made their decision.

Original poster
Snoop85 · 04/09/2021 03:45

Yes, I guess I just didn’t think my actions would lead to this. I lived with one of them for 6 years when her parents fostered me and I wish I could talk to her.

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Darbysmama · 04/09/2021 04:03

I can’t really say for sure whether them cutting you off was warranted, because I don’t know what specifically was said. And, no, being drunk is not a proper excuse. But of course you’re not unreasonable in missing having them in your life. That said, after 11 years you’re also going to have to come to terms with the fact that it’s unlikely to change. Have you tried finding new friends?if not, maybe it’s time to let go and move on and try to do so.

I had a falling out with my best friend shortly after she got married. We have been friends since high school. After she got married, I discovered her husband was cheating. Of course, I told her, and, as they say, they always shoot the messenger. She blew up over it, and we didn’t speak for years. They eventually divorced, largely due to the continued cheating, and we finally reconnected again. She apologized up and down, but I’m not one to hold onto the past and I was just happy to have my best friend back again. So I understand missing your friends. But you can’t force them to forgive you. All you can do is focus on what you can do, which is work on yourself and form new friendships.

Soyouthought · 04/09/2021 04:05

I don’t speak to a life long friend. It happened after one particular incident but it was the final straw after years of digs and sly comments which she was just unaware she was doing but everyone around could see. Could there have been more than that one drunken incident?

Original poster
Snoop85 · 04/09/2021 04:11

I’m glad you reconnected, you did what was best for your friend.
I do have friends, very good ones. I guess it just hurts because they were my family when I didn’t have one and I’m frustrated with myself that I lost them

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BeachDrifting · 04/09/2021 04:14

I had the same. Fell out with a friend and lost my friendship group because of it as they took her side. It’s really hard as I’ve really struggled to make new connections and I’d really like to move area to start fresh. Maybe you could do the same? Fresh start somewhere?

Original poster
Snoop85 · 04/09/2021 04:14

I don’t think so, we never fought. She was the one person I told everything too and always supported me

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Original poster
Snoop85 · 04/09/2021 04:22

I actually love were I live, my children are happy, we have friends and are settled. They are a huge link to my past and I miss them.

OP posts:
BasiliskStare · 04/09/2021 04:22

@Snoop85 - Either in vino veritas and you said something you thought or it was a mistake - either way I would move on. You could send a card / letter if you are blocked but I would try to put it down to experience and enjoy the future. ( Easier said than done , I know )

Original poster
Snoop85 · 04/09/2021 04:29

[quote BasiliskStare]@Snoop85 - Either in vino veritas and you said something you thought or it was a mistake - either way I would move on. You could send a card / letter if you are blocked but I would try to put it down to experience and enjoy the future. ( Easier said than done , I know )[/quote]
Your absolutely right x

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 04/09/2021 04:32

Did this happen 11 years ago ??

Original poster
Snoop85 · 04/09/2021 04:33

@QueenBee52

Did this happen 11 years ago ??
Yes it did
OP posts:
Kanaloa · 04/09/2021 05:00

I would probably cut someone out of my life if they were nasty to me for no reason then blamed it on being drunk. It would bring back bad memories for me and hurt me, and I couldn’t feel comfortable again. And I find when people say oh but I was drunk, they are really just paving the way for the next outburst of nastiness they can blame on being drunk. It’s no excuse, if you’re nasty when you drink you need to make the choice not to drink.

WomanStanleyWoman · 04/09/2021 05:30

Is there someone on the group you could reach out to individually? Just remember, if you do so, you need to prepare yourself for the answer being ‘No’ - and maybe permanently. Be honest with yourself.

MoreAloneTime · 04/09/2021 05:42

I think after so much time all you can do is try to learn from it so you handle future situations differently. It may seem unfair that these people don't want you in their lives but if you can't change something you can only try to accept it.

Waspsarearseholes · 04/09/2021 05:45

Your friend has personal boundaries and you crossed them. I'm leaning towards feeling that this wasn't a one-off incident but probably the last in a long list of things you did and they all just had enough. You can't make someone want to be friends with you, especially after being so nasty.

ThinWomansBrain · 04/09/2021 06:32

I mostly agree with the "move on" comments. but your comment about being fostered by friends parents - I can see might be a bit different, and more hurtful, than growing out of a usual childhood friendship.
Are your friends parents still alive, are you still in touch with them?

twelvefiftynine · 04/09/2021 06:51

What did you say op? It really depends how bad it was whether I would continue to try and reconnect or accept that it was just way too bad.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 04/09/2021 06:57

It's not just that you were drunk, when someone is going through a really tough time as you obviously were, I would always give a bit of leeway, call you on it but still get you not being yourself at a tough time. What is strange to me is the other friends doing the same, but perhaps she had the power. I can't imagine doing that asa friend on the side, certainly not for one incident. It is hard. I had a very close friend 'break up' and it took a few yeses to let it go because of the unfairness of it, in my eyes, felt I wanted to discuss and point things out. But it faded. Glad life now is good op, focus on that.

BasiliskStare · 04/09/2021 19:44

I had a boyfriend from 35 40 years ago - early 20s ( - he was unfair to me - I am not fussed now. Life has moved on. ) But in truth - I don't want to speak to him. I would let it go OP . There are very few people in life who never make a mistake - just stop worrying about it.

Wilkolampshade · 04/09/2021 19:52

Yeah, happened to me 25 years ago. My fault. Her reaction was fair, the rest of our peer group.. not so much. The ganging up from her/our friends was actually really bad but maybe I was a bigger arsehole than I thought. Ho hum. 🤷‍♀️
It took a long time to like myself again after.

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