To ask how you trust again after being hurt?

[topikate]

Got monumentally screwed over by my ex husband who I thought was a loving, faithful husband until I found out he wasn't.

I then dated a man for 18 months who made out he was madly in love with me, only to withdraw out of nowhere, become super mysterious and then disappear altogether.

I'm now trying to navigate what appears to be a very healthy, happy relationship, but I really struggle to trust.

The guy I've been dating (for 4 months) has never let me down, is always transparent and very kind.

However, the smallest 'infraction' fills me with self doubt about what he's really up to (thankfully I keep this under wraps and he doesn't bear the brunt of what I'm feeling!)

There was a day recently when he fell asleep before he could call me. Totally reasonable. Except in my head he was off sleeping with someone else, everything he did and said the next day felt suspicious and added to this narrative I'd built.

Thankfully I'm measured enough to not mention this to him and just to ride it out, but it's still so uncomfortable.

How on Earth do you navigate a new relationship without bringing previous trauma in, particularly when you've been lied to or cheated on in the past?

Probably best to stay single until you have overcome it imo

I reckon you have to take things very slowly. Your new guy sounds lovely. Take it slow and remember that actions speak louder than words, as they say. Trust takes time.

All i would say is not everyone is the same. To think this new guy would cheat on you is not really giving him a chance.
When something happens to make you suspicious or unhappy, have some strategies to calm yourself down, and stop thinking irrationally perhaps?

I honestly don't know. I've ended three relationships when I discovered infidelity and I don't want to risk it again.
So I understand your struggle. My immediate thought when approached by a man is 'what scam is he trying to pull?' Yet I have a son and I would hate anyone to make assumptions about him.
You are at least doing better than me.

I'm not sure if it ever completely goes, the feelings just diminish over time I think. The more you date and things go well hopefully you start to realise that relationships can be good.

I've been married 40 years. My husband was disloyal to me 30 years ago. He was honest about it, it was fleeting, and it was a holiday thing when I encouraged him to go away with the lads to give him a rest from the strain of caring for our disabled child. He abused my trust. However, we needed to stay together for our daughter. I couldn't have left him anyway. I had no money or means to survive. He thoroughly regrets it. But it changed everything. He was no longer my soulmate, it was the emotional betrayal that hurts most. We are still together and I know he wouldn't do it again.But the spark has gone. The bond has gone, for me. He does everything he can, every day, to make it better, to make it up to me. He bitterly regrets it and I know he finds it painful to own what he did. I so wish I could get over it, but our initial perfect relationship is now forever lost, and tainted by his betrayal. Had I been granted a week of freedom with my mates I would never have done anything to threaten my marriage. Sorry. Just got a bit triggered.

Honest answer? Therapy. You have to get past your previous traumas. And, yes, they are traumas. You’re smart to not go off on him or start accusing him. You should walk into every relationship and take that person for who they are and for their own actions, not what others did or who others turned out to be. That’s unfair to him and will lead to resentment and anger, so you’re right to avoid going there. But, yes, look into therapy to help you overcome these past traumas.

I'm reading this with interest. I've been single for 6 years having previously been hurt. As @IridescentPurple said, once a partner has cheated you never look at them the same. The only difference is that in my case, my ex didn't own it. He went to great lengths to cover it up and left me with the added hurt of his constant denial and me having to try and find out the truth elsewhere. Only then would he admit to it but never apologise for it. I'd have had so much more respect for him if he could've done that. It would've made me feel that he genuinely was sorry. Unfortunately he was only sorry that he'd got caught.

I'd love to get into a new relationship one day and trust again but something is holding me back. I guess I'm still not ready but when the time is right, happiness will come our way OP.

I've just completely fucked up a perfectly good new thing I had by freaking out twice over, what I can see now, was absolutely nothing for this exact same reason.

I've booked some counselling and I'm doing mindfulness and guided meditation. It's helped me realise I just can't go on like this and I know it's not going to get any better until I've had some help with it.