To ask if these parents are abusive?

[cally8019]

Me and DH disagree on this. I am sympathetic, but can understand. He thinks it out of order and something needs to be done about it.

DD2 has a friend who has just turned 18. They have been friends through prep/senior ( this girl left in yr11)so we have known the family over 13 years.

They have an DS who is 21 and then their DD who is 18. The DS the “ideal” child- top marks in exams, good uni and job etc and has flown through life and is doing well.

Their DD? Struggled through school with bullying due to a disability (which me and DH weren’t even aware of), missed a lot of school because of it, failed her GCSES and hasn’t done anything since and turned to drugs last year.

DD has been supportive of her friend (which we are very proud of) and has helped her through difficulty and has helped her come clean. DD has told me the other friends she had were a rough crowd- stealing from people/shops etc. DD has told us her friend has never stolen anything apart from money for her parents- which obviously is inexcusable but different (not sure if that’s the right word?) then robbing people’s handbags in the street or from shops like these others have. I will note- I do not doubt for a second that DD hasn’t had anything to do with this crowd.

This girls parents had to help her out of debt last year- they still put a roof over her head, help her out etc.

But DD has come home tonight and said her friend has broke down to her today saying she feels she is being emotionally abused.

1. I will say it is clear their eldest child is the “favourite”. While both children have been given the same opportunities in some ways the eldest was pushed hard then the second who needed more support due to her disability but didn’t get it.
   

1. As mentioned before- me and DH were not aware of this girl having a disability (keeping in mind we have known her parents since the first week DD started reception). One of the reasons this girl gave to DD for being upset is that her parents didn’t even tell members of her family which she feels isn’t fair. I don’t want to disclose said disability (just in case this thread is found) but it’s severe enough for her to need support but not severe enough to be obvious if that makes sense?
   

1. This is where we head to murky water- according to DD, this girl can’t go anywhere without telling her parents were she is going, what she is doing and with whom. I understand this but I am sympathetic, DH does too but feels her mistakes shouldn’t be used as a noose around her neck when she is genuinely trying to piece her life together and is struggling to continue because she feels her parents don’t recognise her efforts.
   

The girl is a lovely girl and I do believe she has learnt from her mistakes but at the same time- while I don’t agree with some of the things her parents of done I’m sympathetic at the same time.

DD has asked if she can stay here with us. DH is saying yes (also worth mentioning he was emotionally abused by his parents)- I am undecided

What are everyone’s thoughts??

[Travis1]

Definitely sounds off and I’m not sure if abusive is the right term but at the very least negligent. Sounds like they’ve not been willing to accept that their daughter has a disability and that may have had a negative impact on her life and schooling. What’s the chances it’s a ‘golden child/scapegoat’ situation?

[Cowbells]

This is really tricky. The girl needs support by the sound of it. She is in a really bad way If you let her stay, you will become her parent figure and may need to be prepared for the emotional fallout.

Her parents sound awful. Like their love is conditional on success.

I think I would say: Invite her to stay for the weekend. You could make a fuss of her, listen to some of her problems, offer some support. But firm boundary that she goes home on Sunday. Because she isn't your responsibility and it will only screw her up more if she becomes too much for you and you have to ask her to move on. She won't understand why and it will feel like judgement and rejection.

[Cipot]

I think you probably don't know the full story and perhaps they want to know where she is because she's vulnerable and has made poor choices in the past. It's not unusual to keep a disability private. If you take her in what happens in 6 months? What if you can't cope with her behaviour? What happens if she's still there when your dd has left home? You risk damaging her relationship with her parents by interfering which could eventually leave her homeless. That would be my take on it. I am projecting though. We had a school friend of my sister's move in. When my dsis left home friend ending up moving in with a very unsuitable older man.

[Trixie78]

She's 18, she's sn adult and can make her own decisions without consulting her parents. Does she want to stay with you? If yes then let her if you can.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

At various times I took in four of my DDs' friends to stay. Each one was over the age of 18 so there were no legal problems with parents. I set guidelines at the beginning. House rules were the same for them as for my DDs (no drugs, no alcohol and no overnight guests) and there was a time limit. They stayed until they finished high school or until the college semester started, or until they found a job and saved three months worth of pay.
Twenty years on, two are dead of natural causes and the other two are still close friends of our family. Take a chance with this girl. You may be just what she needs.

[Joolsin]

I would tread carefully if I were you, OP, because you are only hearing one side of the story. What you are hearing has been possibly manipulated to pull on your sympathies. I wouldn't offer anything without speaking with her parents - if they really are abusive they might be delighted for her to leave. Or you might hear a very different story.

[cally8019]

I’m still unsure. I do feel for her and I can’t agree with some of what I have seen with my own eyes over the years but like I said- given what happened last year, I am sympathetic.

DH has gone to bed in a sulk- he says it’s “typical narcissistic behaviour” and that while they have helped her out they are using it against her and won’t let her forget it. But on the other hand expecting to know where your adult child is at all times is excessive- once our DDs have turned 16, they’ve been trusted to do as they please as long as they followed the house rules (no drugs and home by 10 or stay at a friends house)

Sorry if this seems “drip feed” but from an outsiders point of view it looks as if the girl has had everything- private education, expensive gifts, holidays, driving lessons and car....but thinking back she has looked miserable for a long time and I know she is an appreciative person.

DD says she is worried she will cause upset which she doesn’t want to do, she just wants freedom so she feels she can try to have a relationship with them without being attacked all the time.

DD is really upset and is asking us to please help her. Obviously if we do it will be on a time limit so she can save up to get her own place and that she keeps her job.

I feel so torn

[Lindy2]

You're only getting her side of the story so while you can be sympathetic it would be wise to assume the parents might have a different version.

To ge honest what you've put about the parents doesn't seem particularly unreasonable to me.

I have a child with a disability. We don't necessarily discuss it with everyone and there will be people who know us well who aren't aware of it because, as far as we are concerned, they don't need to be aware of it. People who need to know are told. Now my child is a bit older she is choosing to tell some people but not everyone. The choice is hers. This sounds like a similar scenario. Disabilities/SEN can be complex.

I'd expect any family member living in my house to let me know where they are going and who with, in the same way I would tell them when I go out. Isn't that normal family communication? It doesn't sound like they are stopping her but it seems reasonable to me that they want to know where their 18 year old daughter with a disability and a previous drug problem is. I'd find it more neglectful if they didn't ask.

By all means help her out and let her stay if you think that's what she needs and you're willing to do that. Perhaps a trial period would be wise as I'd say you don't know quite how it's going to work out having someone else in your home.

[cally8019]

@Joolsin

I would tread carefully if I were you, OP, because you are only hearing one side of the story. What you are hearing has been possibly manipulated to pull on your sympathies. I wouldn't offer anything without speaking with her parents - if they really are abusive they might be delighted for her to leave. Or you might hear a very different story.

In fairness to her Joolsin- her parents probably wouldn’t admit to some of the things I have seen with my own eyes and heard with my own ears.

They are very “proud” people and wouldn’t want the facade to slip if there is one. They aren’t the worst people in the world they really aren’t but as I said I have seen and heard things that have made me think “what the fuck”

Not to mention as two people who have had their daughter stay hundreds of times over the years, she’s come on weekend breaks with us you would think they would let us know about her disability which due to the nature of it could of caused her to have an accident with where we live and some of the places we have taken her to..

[Felifox]

.I think cowbells has a good suggestion to invite her for a weekend - Fri to Mon am and get to know her and perhaps EOW to stay with dd. That would give her a break from her dps without taking their support away from her.

[Babyboomtastic]

If the nature of her disability means she could have had an accident in going to the places you've taken her to, then it sounds like they've got a very reasonable reason for wanting to know where she is...

[Ponoka7]

Your DD's friend is an addict. It isn't unusual to lose trust in people you are supporting, if they are addicts. Her parents have set conditions. Having had teens in my family who have been addicts, the terms aren't unreasonable. It takes a year before you can say that you are clean. How long ago did she come off drugs? If she moves in and goes back on the drugs, what is your DH's plan?

[GreyhoundG1rl]

They've been given the same opportunities, so far so good. She didn't fail solely due to not being "pushed".
Extended members of the family not informed of her disability? Hardly abusive, presumably she was free to disclose herself if she felt the need? What was the need?
The having to inform the parents where she's going and with whom is probably down to her vulnerability, and it appears not to get in the way of her getting her hands on drugs, hanging out with thieves and getting into debt (which the parents sorted for her!)

So I'm going to go with No...

[GreyhoundG1rl]

Interesting that there's more stuff that you've heard with your own ears but have chosen to put fairly innocuous stuff in the op...

[LemonRoses]

No. She chose to start taking drugs. It must have been a nightmare for the parents. Addicts are very manipulative and not a friendship I’d encourage.

[serin]

I would help in any way that I could but I wouldn't invite her to live in our home. It would just change the dynamic too much and there are a lot of "what ifs".
How long is she planning to stay? Will her being there affect your DDs studying? What will you do if your DD moves out to go to uni? Or to go travelling? Can her boyfriend stay over? What about the gang of dodgy friends? Are they allowed into your home to visit her? What happens if she steals from you? Or starts using again?
All credit to you for helping though.

[SD1978]

And what would be the plan long term? There are always two sides- she's been abusing drugs and stealing- whilst her parents have supported her, and now currently isn't using. Would she stay with you long term? She has no qualifications- is she planning college? A job? How will she pay for things? It's not as simple as she moves in with you in some ways, but as an adult she can go where she wants- but needs to be aware the repercussions are she may not be allowed back into the family home. Sounds like she could do with counselling to work through her feelings. Her parents may have not discussed her disability as they didn't want her treated differently, as opposed to were 'hiding' it.

[Bettysnow]

Likely her parents are seriously worried about her past behaviour and afraid of it happening again hence the need to want to know her every move. You only have her version which could be quite far from the truth. I wouldn't encourage her coming to live with you as what you see isnt always what you get.
Could you give slightly more definition regarding the disability without revealing it exactly?Is it physical a physical or mental disability?

[AccidentallyOnPurpose]

Is she getting any real help now? Counselling, addiction support etc.

Or did the parents just fix everything (like debts) and hope that by keeping her on a short leash will "sort her out"?

[Tabbycatlife]

You're minimising the seriousness of her stealing from her parents and what a breach of trust that is. How it would feel to never be able to leave anything valuable lying around without worrying in your own home. Always checking your purse.

What would you do if she steals from your DDs or yourselves? Go to her parents? She's 18, they may not want to know if she's moved in with you at your invitation. Police?

It's not like her parents have thrown her out. They're supporting her and as a young adult she can move towards living independently soon, she doesn't need accommodation with you.

[Mummy1608]

You seem weirdly involved with this girl's life.

As pp have said, the parents don't sound that unreasonable. Apart from vague opinions about "favourites", the facts you've put forward are 1. They keep her disability private (surely better than telling everyone), and 2. They like to know where she is. Not very surprising if she's stolen money and done drugs. Other details are that she was bullied at school and didn't get good grades (how can you blame that on the parents?)

Would I want to take on a teen like that as a (non-paying) lodger? Not much, no. Again, you seem weirdly invested in this girl's life. The fact that she's your dd's friend shouldn't require you to effectively adopt her.

[SmokedDuck]

I think in any case abuse is too strong a word.

But I would be careful. As others have said, you may not have the whole story. There may be very good reasons they want to know her whereabouts, it may be part of their agreement to support her at home for the moment.

I've known of a few cases where teens with BPD made life pretty difficult for parents but convinced others that the parents were being abusive.

[Mummy1608]

Ps why is your DH so keen to have her move in, too? How has she charmed you all so much? Red flags everywhere

[FireflyRainbow]

Yabu op.

[GreyhoundG1rl]

What exactly is this disability which is invisible, yet caused her to be bullied at school and could have caused her to have an accident at some of the places you took her to?